There is still a very small part of me that struggles with my old friend and nemesis Unworthiness. We have been companions on my entire life’s journey. If I have anything left in me that holds me back I’d have to say this is it; the last vestiges are tenacious. And yet, I am well aware of it and how it works within me, of how I have also worked with it and used it to my advantage, how interwoven we are in the unfolding of my life. We’ve become very accustomed to each other.
– Photo by Jan Ketchel
At this point in my life, Unworthiness has the least amount of control that its ever had, the least impact, and is seldom a visitor. But when something arises, an issue perhaps, something I don’t want to do or feel intimidated by, I just have to sit for a minute to know that my old enemy and cohort is sitting right there, waiting for me to notice. I can almost hear a gleeful laugh as I go about my inner inquiries.
Over the past week the energy has been a little strange. I’ve felt it and Chuck has too. Perhaps others have as well. The daily Soulbytes have been stuck on one theme—to sit and wait. Chuck wrote about it this week in his blog, Activating Change—Staying Put. But it’s spring, a time of bursting forth, a lot going on in nature, activity all around, and so the urge is to do quite the opposite.
My own energy has been in keeping with the sit and wait energy this week, not by choice—it’s just the way it’s been. I’ve noticed that my normal busyness has been replaced by a slower pace as I’ve naturally fallen in step with the advice of the channeled messages. It doesn’t feel as if I’ve accomplished any less than had I expended a lot of high-strung energy, running around feeling like I’ll never get done all that needs to be done. My old friend Unworthiness was strangely absent and silent this week too, I noticed.
Could the slower calmer energy I’ve adopted have anything to do with that? I wonder. I am usually not a high-strung or nervous individual, but I like to get things done and often push myself, perhaps expending a lot of energy unnecessarily. This week I let my mood, my body, and my sense of the importance of taking it slow dominate and decide. Without a sense of having to rush around or push too hard I’ve noticed that I am calmer overall and, as I said, things have certainly gotten done.
It makes me wonder if I’ve unwittingly encouraged old friend Unworthiness to stick around, far beyond its necessary lifespan. I have indeed continued to question my worthiness in so many areas of life, but the noticeable lack of doubt in my thoughts this week raises that question as much as anything else I’ve experienced.
I recently heard someone speaking about “selfie” this and “selfie” that. At first I thought, “Wow! People are so focused on themselves, taking selfies, posting selfies.” I got worried about what all this focus on the outer self would result in. A self-absorbed generation too self-interested to care about the world? But then I realized we all do it! We’re all concerned with out own selfie image, including me with my Unworthiness/Worthiness selfie issue! All of those internal machinations that circle through the mind are nothing more than grand selfies!
I noticed this week, however, as I’ve allowed myself to slow down, to put off a few things and wait, that my own selfie talk has diminished to almost nothing. I’ve gone about life with little attention paid to my usual inner selfie stuff and been focused on the energy instead. The instruction to engage in the energy of waiting has relieved me of a lot of usual mental stuff, and the normal worry and doubt—am I good enough at this or worthy enough of that—has naturally dissipated. This is the true meaning of doing recapitulation, letting the energy of the process guide and instruct, rather than push to make something happen or to process too quickly, going out of alignment with the natural flow of one’s own process. Deep inner work, when undertaken in this manner, is not selfie-selfish but liberatingly self-revealing and self-transformational.
– Photo by Jan Ketchel
In keeping pace with the natural energy of each day this week, I’ve felt more naturally aligned myself. Sitting in stillness offers quiet inside and outside. My own selfie-self can attest to that, as it has acquiesced to the energy of sitting in stillness all week and felt truly calm and in balance.
And so, I have no fear for the “selfie” generation. Perhaps all the self focus will have a similar selfless experience. Perhaps sitting in stillness, with all the “selfie” paraphernalia put aside for some quiet time, the beautiful warm spring days we’ve had lately in the Northeast can really be enjoyed in calmness.
In sitting in stillness you might notice that you too shed some of your usual anxiety or concerns. In alignment with nature only what is naturally of concern exists, as I found out. I learned that I had a lot of “selfie” stuff that was just not part of my own true nature, the self I truly am. It’s been a calm but strangely enjoyable week. I wish the same for you.
Unworthy no more,
Jan
