Category Archives: The Monogamy Dialogues

A 2017 New Year’s project is the introduction of a new blog written by both of us on the most important issues in relationships. This is an evolving project.

The Monogamy Dialogues: Projectile Dysfunction

The projections we launch into our partners are the greatest cause of dysfunction in relationships, indeed, these alone can be the cause of erectile dysfunction itself!

The manly sun…
– Art by Jan Ketchel

Both men and women have masculine and feminine sides within themselves, perhaps best symbolized by the sun and the moon.

For instance, suppose a man expects his sexual desire to be as instant as the sun itself that rises, fully, each day. However, inwardly, his inner woman—that is his anima, the feminine side of a man—may in fact be in a phase of her feeling cycle where she simply isn’t immediately responsive to his conscious sun-driven erotic intent.

This man, unaware of his true inner feeling state of non-readiness for sex, is likely to look over at his partner and “see” or project onto her, his inner anima, as lacking any erotic interest in him.

“You never approach me to have sex, I always have to initiate,” he might despairingly utter. “I don’t think you desire me physically.”

These could be his challenges to his partner. Of course, if there were any desire on the partner’s side, or an openness to exploring possibly having sex, this approach likely kills that possibility. Further, if the couple then tries to force coitus in this dysfunctional relational state, it is indeed likely that the penis itself might choose to go on a flaccid strike and ED, erectile dysfunction, ensues.

Women are very much under the influence of the waxing and waning of the moon, which corresponds to the menstrual cycle with respect to feelings, moods, desires, and physical comforts/discomforts. Women also have an inner man—the animus, the masculine side of a woman—who functions on the mental plane in the background of her psyche.

This inner man might take the form of a warrior who protects his woman. Perhaps this woman in the example above is preoccupied with the dark side of the moon in her emotional cycle, definitely not interested in sex,  just wanting to  remain innerly with her mood. Unbeknownst to her, and in her defense, her animus might launch into a critical attack upon her partner when he suggests she’s not interested in sex.

“You didn’t text me all day, I guess staying connected isn’t that important to you,” she might pose. “Seems like the only time you listen to me attentively is when you think there’s a chance for sex.”

These kinds of preemptive “attacks” are likely to accomplish keeping her partner at bay while embroiling the two in a standoff.

Alternatively, a woman’s animus may decide to override her true emotional and physical state with the intention of pleasing her partner. This sets up an inner civil war, as her dominant feminine nature will not be happy at being coerced into having sex. Her feminine nature might shut down her receptivity and sexual sensitivity, resulting in being unable to climax. She might project disappointment onto her partner for being unable to please her or she might sink into a depression at her own failure to “perform.” Here we have the feminine version of ED.

In men, the masculine sun dominates—things are either black or white, on or off. Men’s thinking seeks total clarity and knowing. This kind of thinking happens at any time, is not subject to the tides or the phases of the moon. However, deep within himself a man is very influenced by the phases of the moon. Often his female partner senses this and has to manage his moods on a daily basis, though he himself might characterize himself as completely rational, unaware of the influence of his emotions upon his life.

Moon woman…
– Art by Jan Ketchel

Similar to a man, a woman is very much under the influence of her own inner man, with his hidden plots to protect, attack, or manipulate life through his own mental processes. Just as a woman might easily recognize the power of a man’s mood, which she has to manage, a man is often likewise aware of the intractable thinking of his partner in the part of herself that she is unaware is so dominant in her own psyche.

The ability to recognize and take responsibility for one’s self, including the contrasexual elements, the anima and animus, by working on them on an inner level before they explode outwardly and take over a relationship, clears the confusion that leads to dysfunction in relationships. With projectiles disarmed, true connection is possible. Sun and moon meet within each partner who then can meet in real union.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Chuck & Jan