I noticed this face at the back of the wood stove… with its glow on! – Photo by Jan Ketchel
We’ve had some warmer days, hints of spring in the air. The snow is melting. I can actually see some brown grass and the earth that has been buried under two feet of snow for so long, now ready to receive some sunlight. The red wing blackbirds are back. The robins are mating. The bluebirds are flitting about. Nests are being constructed. There is movement in the air around us, stirrings of new life. It’s time for us to stir ourselves out of our winter habitats and habits. Time to get our flow on. Time to get our glow on.
During my recapitulation, I discovered that even a tiny physical shift could change my perspective, my attitude, my dreams. Simply rolling over in bed at night and sleeping on a different side or in a different position would often mean the difference between waking up in dark moodiness or light exhilaration. Not only that, but my dreams changed from nightmares to positive experiences, my mental outlook shifted, and my creative energy revved. Movement, I soon discovered was the main key to shifting my process in a new direction. Though I often felt that my recapitulation was in control, I discovered that I had plenty of control over my life in simply making a decision to move. Movement became a major factor in creating a new reality for myself.
From the time I was a kid, I noticed that when I was active I had better energy. Running around, playing tag, dancing, swimming, all caused my depression to lift and I’d feel alive. Soon however, I’d return to the sedentariness of my shyness, my perceived inadequacies and my sense of self-worthlessness. The glow dimmed as the depression swept in again and took me back into its numb world.
It took me years to even realize that I was depressed, and more years than that to realize that something else besides my own inability to be happy on command lay behind it. Now I view my past as my catalyst to new life, not in a negative way at all, but really a lifelong companion seeking to wake me up and get me moving. Now I move into the flow of life with renewed energy, with a far broader outlook. I see things differently now. I’ve got my flow on and where my depression used to be, my glow walks beside me now.
Made for walking! – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Even in the darkest of winter and on the coldest of days, Chuck and I bundle up and take a walk, shaking up our molecules and getting our energy vibrating. The way we feel is directly tied to our physical bodies. We can partake in changing things for ourselves by paying attention to what happens when we sit and then when we move.
We can notice that when we’re sedentary our energy sits right down beside us and takes a break. But if we’re active, our energy pops right up and gets happier, more creative, has a fresher outlook on life overall. When we’re more active we begin to see things differently and life comes to greet us in a different way too.
Sometimes just getting some fresh air into our lungs is all we need to get us flowing more naturally and easily with what life brings us. And once we get ourselves moving, we do get our glow on!
Here is a link to the beautiful Melanie singing:Babe Rainbow
Can you handle the cognitive dissonance? – Photo by Jan Ketchel
While reading Felix Wolf’s The Art of Navigation, I’m ignited with sudden clarity regarding cognitive dissonance. Describing it to Jan, I crisscross my arms overhead in an abrupt gesture to demonstrate the clash of dissonant energetic currents. At the exact second that my arms cross in the air above my head, loud crashes impact each of the two large living room windows. A cardinal hits one, a blue jay the other. Momentarily stunned, they each fall to the ground and then fly off. I took this dramatic synchronous event as a sign to write this blog.
Felix Wolf, a fellow traveler whom I’ve never met, has also deeply immersed himself in the shamanic world of Carlos Castaneda. Though Carlos ended his shamanic line, the energetic permutations of his knowledge vibrate in new ways throughout the world. For Felix it has emerged as the art of navigation, for me it has been the clinical application of recapitulation.
What comes alive for me in Felix’s writing is the emphasis the Nagual, Carlos Castaneda, put on using cognitive dissonance to achieve the coveted state of inner silence, the springboard to infinity. Carlos explained that the mind, with its modus operandi of rationality, constructs a world with a river of energy that flows in one direction only, its true north being reason. Our internal dialogue, the flow of thoughts in our minds, groups its interpretations of reality along this flow of rationality. What the mind can’t handle is the experience of a thought, fact or event that flows in the opposite direction of its reason. When that happens there is an interruption in the operations of the mind that lands us momentarily into a state of inner silence.
In inner silence we are treated to perceptions devoid of inner dialogue, devoid of the mind’s normal interpretative system. For a moment we step outside the incessant internal dialogue box of the matrix into a world of energy. Joseph Campbell once wrote: “Every now and then, while I’m walking along Fifth Avenue, everything just breaks up into subatomic particles and I think, ‘Well, Jesus Christ, that is what it is.'”
When I was in my very early twenties, Jeanne and I, still in our young marriage, lived and worked in Manhattan. Jeanne, employed by an international importer, had met a young man at a trade show and was smitten with attraction. The depth of her feeling did not go away. What threatened me most was that she was attracted to his spirit. How could this be? I was spirit man!
I allowed these colliding currents of energy to crash. I asked myself the question: “Are Jeanne and I not meant to be together?” Immediately the world grew quiet and I dropped into the most peaceful calm state I’d ever known. I stayed there for a while, utterly calm, no thoughts. I emerged greatly perplexed by the meaning of this experience. I refused the thought that we would end. I awaited the return of my mind to overrun the thought of ending, but I never forgot the experience.
In holding together through our recapitulations we are able to see what’s there… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Twenty-five years later, I lay next to Jeanne as she drew her last breath in Switzerland. I was confronted with the dissonance of the person I cherished the most in this world, now dead before me. In that moment, the world went silent and a very deep sense of calm swept over me. It stayed with me for hours.
Several years ago, Jan and I sat in the office with the intent that Jan would channel Jeanne. Jan sat opposite me. As I looked over at her, her form suddenly blurred and before my very eyes she transmogrified into Jeanne; it was like a scene out of the movie Ghost! My reason was overcome by an incontestable contradiction. All went silent and I entered that state of deep calm.
In each of these experiences I was able to hold the dissonant energies together and be transported into the calm of inner silence. However, this is not always the case. Frequently, the collisions of dissonant experiences generate a fragmentation that takes years and deep work to weave together, master, and release to the calms of silence.
In the psychological world, trauma is identified as the mind’s encounter with an incredible disruption to its reason, to its normal expectations of order. This can be the traumatic impact of being in a sudden earthquake or being subjected to unexpected behavior, such as physical or sexual abuse at the hands of a “loved one.” These ruptures in normalcy fragment consciousness, as the normalcy of the mind’s expectations are disrupted, sending one out-of-mind and often out-of-body. In such cases, cognitive dissonance leads to a dissociation that requires a recapitulation to recover the fragmented self and the energy needed to withstand the dissonant energies of the shattering experience before one can release to the deep calm of inner silence.
Shamans spend years recapitulating their lives, piecing together the ruptures in their minds that once led them into states of non-ordinary reality. When we are capable of sustaining the full truth of our own recapitulation experiences—reconciling the dissonance—the mind ceases to be dominant and we reach inner silence with what was or what is, freed from the judgments of the inner dialogue, delivered at last to the place of deep calm.
With recapitulation and reconciliation, we are now capable of seeing and being in the greater reality with deep calm. We are now able to explore dimensions of reality that exist beyond the narrow bands of reason. We are able to participate in infinity, with utter calmness.
The machinations of the mind are like the squirrel’s incessant chewing… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
May we see our encounters with cognitive dissonance, those ruptures in the continuity of the mind’s expectations, however shattering, as opportunities to accrue moments of inner silence. The Shamans of Ancient Mexico maintain that all our inner silence moments in life accrue until they reach a critical mass. At that point we are capable of living in inner silence at will. Cognitive dissonance—like planes that suddenly disappear without a trace—are opportunities to launch ourselves into an expanded reality through inner silence; a reality we are now charged with evolving into as Planet Reason enters its waning stages.
Sometimes we wake up to a different world… not by choice, but by the power of nature… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
During my recapitulation there came a point in the process where I literally felt like I was shedding my old self and transforming into a new self. My body did not feel right. I didn’t fit into it anymore, even my clothes didn’t fit, and nothing about what was going on inside me fit either. Simultaneously, I began having dreams about snakes. Upon awakening from a snake dream I was immediately fearful. Snakes, after all, scared me. I noticed, however, that my dreaming self wasn’t afraid of the snakes, in fact she was quite calm in their presence.
I began to experience these snake dreams as supportive of my recapitulation, as part of the natural flow of my transformative process. I began to see snakes as offering healing venom and healing energy, rather than signifying something negative. I began to see them as giving back to me what I had lost, my own energy. Snakes became an integral part of my process as I shed the old self and became a new self, as I went through a viscerally real death and rebirth.
I pulled the Death card from the Tarot deck this week. It always appears so ominous, so negative, until I remember that it signifies this same process of transformation, as I shed the old self—old ideas, old habits and behaviors—and more fully embrace my greater potential. Life is full of transformational moments. Here I am thirteen years after beginning my recapitulation, still shedding the old self, even the self who evolved out of my three-year-long recapitulation process has been shed, as over and over again, I face myself and what life presents me with. In fact, the Death card, number 13 in the major arcana, is my growth symbol this year, so I know I must pay extra attention to this card overall. Each time it appears, it reminds me that I am changing all the time, and that there is nothing to be afraid of.
The thought that I am transforming all the time permeates my existence. We are, after all, nature, and nature constantly changes, in very obvious ways. One day the weather is calm and sunny. The next day we are buried under two feet of snow! Overnight things change. One day we are calm; the next day we might be agitated or moody. This is nature inside us, as we flow from day to day, just the way Mother Nature does, just as the stars and planets constantly move, align and realign, just as the oceans rise and ebb.
According to Angeles Arrien in her Tarot Handbook, the Death/Rebirth card symbolizes “the universal principle of detachment and release. It is through letting go that we are able to give birth to new forms… The snake reminds us that in order to transform, we must let go of old identities in order to be able to express new ones, much like the snake that sheds its skin…”
In Animal Speak, Ted Andrews presents a myriad of snake symbolism, but basically he too says that the snake is a symbol of alchemy—transformation—and healing. “Before the snake sheds its skin,” he writes, “its eyes begin to cloud over, as if to indicate it is entering into a stage between life and death.” I know this stage very well too, because during the time of my recapitulation my eyes repeatedly clouded over, in fact, they stayed cloudy for days as I remained in a dreamy in-between world, not quite the old self, yet not quite the new self either. I floundered between worlds, seeking to gain clarity on what had happened to me in childhood, while also seeking to gain clarity on who my future, authentic self might possibly be. It was a crucial time in the process.
It’s all about transforming and expanding consciousness… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Everyone who recapitulates goes through this same shedding and until the shedding of the old is done true clarity will not reign. But once the old skin has shed, the eyes clear and new life really begins as one enters a world that was previously blocked from view. As fear sheds with the old self a new self emerges into a world that, all of a sudden, is different. It’s not, however, the world that’s really different, it’s our perception of the world that’s changed. Our consciousness has expanded.
As I entered my own world of expanded consciousness, my vision literally changed. The blurry vision I’d experienced during my recapitulation did clear; my nearsightedness practically disappeared too. Now I see more clearly than I ever have in my entire life. And what was once so clear to me, the details of my past self—what I peered at so closely during my recapitulation—are no longer as clear; they don’t need to be. In fact, my vision has totally shifted from nearsightedness to farsightedness. My eyes are free to turn outward now and receive the world with new clarity. My snake dreams pointed all of this out to me so long ago, letting me know that one day I would navigate life without my old fears inhabiting and inhibiting me.
Snakes and death are healing and transformational aspects of nature. I see the old people in my life losing their visual clarity, and I know they are in transition, soon to be reborn. In the throes of recapitulation, as in the throes of death, there is the certainty of new life. Every day, we too have the opportunity to be reborn simply by the decisions we make and in how we choose to see and perceive the world around us.
We are all free to change, but it requires giving energy to questioning who we really have the potential to become and trusting that we will eventually receive the answer. It’s our choice to decide to commit to deeper work on the self. Are we ready to make this lifetime a meaningfully transitional lifetime? Are we ready to finally do it? Are we ready to face our fears and suffer through the shedding of who we are to become our true authentic self?
In the throes of death and rebirth we are offered opportunities to transform and expand our consciousness and enter new life!
Swords in the Tarot always signify mental levels of consciousness… Our thoughts, beliefs and attitudes… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Wednesday’s storm wiped out creative time to conceive a blog. Between consultations with people in faraway lands and snowplowing, I had only enough energy to take in the final episode of Downton Abby, courtesy of iTunes’ release of the full UK season.
That night I dreamt of visiting a heroin-addicted son in prison. A foul smell permeated the visiting room, fumes from a bathroom, reminiscent of the third floor of a nursing home, where those in the most disabled states reside.
The next morning I pulled the Prince of Swords from the Tarot, clearly charged with the task of cutting through limiting beliefs and thoughts that impede the intuitive exposition of where things really are.
The persona is cracking. That’s where things really are. Literally, the actors and directors who wear the personas—Philip Seymour Hoffman and Woody Allen (and don’t forget Roman Polanski!)—deemed by many to be the greatest of this generation, are revealing their shadows, the foul smelling shadows of addiction.
I refuse to enter the debate as to what Woody Allen did or did not do. That is a question that must be answered in one world, but in the scope of our multidimensional, interconnected, many-world-beingness there is meaning for all of us in the specter of addiction, be it heroin or pedophilia.
We must cut through, as the Prince of Swords suggests, the pervasive limiting stigmas and beliefs that refuse to see and accept the truths of our current consensual reality. The walls of the collective persona that uphold that consensual reality are cracking and greater truths are being revealed. The shadow of addiction is pervasive; no matter how hard we try to hide it or put blame “over there,” it is everywhere. I bear the tension too, as a father who has publicly acknowledged the impact of addiction on his own family. I carry no stigma. But what is the deeper issue here?
The shaman don Juan Matus made it very clear that for humankind to survive now, we must enlarge the confines of our consensual reality to incorporate energetic reality. He went on to suggest that the profusion of drugs in the modern world is symptomatic of the need and hunger for expansion. On one level, addiction is about refusing to grow up—choosing in heroin the embryonic return to wholeness, or the seeking of the fountain of youth, eternal life, in pedophilia. These aberrations must be outed and stopped so that a deeper, more meaningful expansion may become acceptable.
If we are to change… we must all face our shadows… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
And so, we must pay heed to the deeper collective bursting at the seams of our current consensual reality. Addiction is a symptom of a world drastically in need of changing its course. Yes, addicts are aberrant; they are destructive casualties of that need for change, driven without consciousness to seek a means of breakthrough to energetic reality. But it is a failed course of action.
The only viable alternative is to take hold of the wheel of change and drive onward with full consciousness. On an individual level, we must face the fallacy of the masks we wear to feel acceptable. With fortitude we must face the truths of the shadow self—all the repressed unacceptable behaviors, thoughts, desires, that lie in our darkness. We must cut through what holds us back from experiencing our own energetic reality. The process of recapitulation clears the channel for the emergence of the true spirit that heralds new energetic possibility—the much needed change that don Juan talks about.
Let the heralding of the cracking of the persona by the actors and directors of our time not go to waste, but lead us into the real life changes that will take us beyond the projective screens of Hollywood into a new energetic reality. May we all be bearers of the sword!
This deer has constantly challenged itself to come closer and closer, coming by several times a day to raid the bird seed! – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Living a healthy life, for as long as we are here, is all about care of the self, striving to know the self at the deepest level, learning to love and to receive, giving the inner self and the outer self equal attention and importance. It’s about valuing who we are and what we have to offer, because we all have something to offer. It’s about fully embracing the real self—the true self that we all know we are but are often afraid to express—allowing it live to the fullest.
This is not an easy task! We must struggle to maintain balance, both internally and externally, while we simultaneously must wrestle with our human desires and appetites. If we are to succeed, we must pay attention to our bodies, our minds, and our spirits, as well as all the parts of ourselves that constantly vie for our attention. We must learn to be okay with where we are. We must remain fully aware that life itself wishes us to grow and change. We must be okay with what comes to us from outside, knowing that it is there to guide and teach us. I see both negative and positive aspects of life as obstacles because whether they are harsh or difficult challenges and confrontations, diseases and physical impediments, or even if everything comes easily to us, they all challenge us to individuate and mature so that we may reach our fullest potential.
If we can begin to accept that life is more than just a mundane, sad, unfulfilled existence; if we can embrace it as an exciting experience in a most fantastic realm, we open ourselves to something far beyond the norm. In simply deciding that the life we are in is enough, in acknowledging that what we must contend with everyday is our necessary pathway to change, we begin to experience life in a new way.
I create my own reality, and so, if I constantly complain about my life then I will never experience life in a new way. I will only experience what I say and tell myself. But if I shake off the negative speak that runs through me and contaminates my experience, I offer myself the possibility for a new experience. This is what Jeanne speaks of in her messages. Each week she asks us to be open and willing to face life in a new way, not viewing it as a horrible or frightening experience, nor as a tiresome task or depressing situation, but as an exciting adventure. She asks us to be energetically available to life in a new way.
Living a healthy life, and gaining awareness of who we are and where we are really being led in our personal lives, entails constantly seeking balance, paying attention to what our bodies tell us, honing our skills of self-communication and dialogue with the inner self—all parts of that inner self. A good way to begin intending and asserting a new attitude toward life, is to pay attention to our physical bodies. In simply paying attention to our body’s messages, we might just have the first big breakthrough to new life.
Recently, I have been struggling with a lower back ache. It’s due to heavy lifting of 40 pound bags of pellets and the hauling of firewood. I have had to pay attention to it, as it will not let me do otherwise. It’s forcing me to stay in my body. I already know that this is one of my greatest challenges in this lifetime, to be present in my physical body. Through my entire recapitulation, being present in my body meant facing the pain and humiliation of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. As a child I got really good at leaving my body—it was a means of escape from the pain it carried—so good that for most of my life I was never really in it. My recapitulation taught me that my body was a good place, my vehicle through life, absolutely necessary if I was to evolve. And so I struggle constantly to remain present, to not drift off as I am naturally wont to do.
We honor our guidance from the universe… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
To change a habit that once saved my life has been challenging. And so, I am thankful for the aches and pains of my lower spine, reminding me every day to pay attention to what my body is telling me. I am addressing it constantly in a multitude of healing practices, but my biggest healing has been to let it be present, to work with it, to let it guide me to what I should and should not be doing at this time in my life.
I have always been physically strong, able to do exactly what I wanted, and so I never limited myself in anyway. Now, I must face that I am limited and sometimes, I must admit, it has been a real pain—pun intended! I can’t just do anymore; now I have to think before I do, and that is both a challenge and a contemplative process. I must stay in my body basically all the time, in every moment of the day. If I do not, it reminds me —OUCH!— to come back! And so, I am constantly present, paying attention to what I am doing in each moment. Life has become a constant walking/sitting meditation. I am paying attention to the fact that my back, always so strong and readily available, is now saying: Don’t take on so much for others; don’t give away your energy so easily, protect it, use it for what is most important. You are not allowed to bear so much anymore. You are important—take care of you!
Each morning, Chuck and I begin the day by each pulling a card from our favorite Tarot deck. It’s a way of anchoring ourselves in our intent—the intent to remain balanced, aware, and open to life. Each day we ask the cards to supply us with what we need most to guide us. The answer, whatever it is, always reminds us to pay attention to our internal worlds as well as our external worlds, as they mirror each other perfectly. Each day we both pick the perfect response to where we are individually, and as a loving, growing partnership as well. How could it be otherwise? The universe is always in alignment with us! The challenge is for us to get in alignment with it!
My little back ache is asking me to pull back from too much experience in the outer world, to hone my skills in my inner world in a new way. And so I have been daring myself—as you know, if you’ve been listening to my weekly channeled messages—to deepen my experience as an energetic being. Yes, I must live life fully in my body, accept my strong physical self, but equally my strong spiritual self as well. And that is why I have a backache!
I see this as part of my process of growth and change, in alignment with my spirit’s intent to constantly grow. I don’t believe we are here to just grow once and then plunk down and say, “Okay, I did it, I changed.” No, the challenge is to keep growing. Likewise, if all I do is moan about my aching back, nothing will shift for me at all, all I’ll have is a painful back and a depressing life. But, if I elect to use this challenge, then I am doing something to shift myself, to change my perception of life, and hone my awareness. In fact, I create a new reality for myself.
Watch those backs! – Photo by Jan Ketchel
I hope you all find out what your little or big aches, pains and challenges are trying to alert you to. Mostly, they ask us to confront something, to get to the bottom of who we are, to make amends, and move on to the next challenge. We just have to be ready to face and accept the truth of that challenge, and act upon it in a positive, healing way. Acting upon it is often the greatest challenge. Many times I have had to feel the searing pain in my lower back to remind me of just how I am being asked to act upon the messages I receive.
Good luck! And be careful out there if you are shoveling all that snow today!
Jan
