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Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Deeper Into The Deepness Within

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When we are ready... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
When we are ready… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

“You must go deeper still.” Those were oft-repeated and frightening words spoken by Chuck as I went through my three-year long recapitulation. Each time he said them I shuttered. I knew what it would entail to go deeper still.

As Chuck writes about in his blog earlier this week, taking the journey within means going into the inferno within, similar to the Inferno of Dante’s Divine Comedy. And just as Dante’s pilgrim had a guide, I recommend that the deeper journey within be taken with a seasoned guide as well. That being said, the journey can only be taken, fully experienced and its gold excavated, by you—the brave pilgrim.

A note of warning is in order. This may not be the lifetime to take this journey, and that’s okay, but if you dare to venture deeper within, to take the journey through the fires of the inner self: Be careful! It is a dark and treacherous journey. You must have a mature adult self firmly established as your main stabilizing partner, even as your child self often leads the way.

If you decide that it’s time to take such a journey, you will encounter all that you fear, but you will also encounter all that you need. You will receive the most profound of insights even as you walk through the fires and encounter the demons that reside deeper within. You will be granted those “calm and illuminating moments” that Chuck mentions in his blog, glimpses of greater insight and brighter life to come, even as you struggle for footing along your treacherous path. The journey within is the most profound of journeys. When you are ready to take it, in this life or another, know that you will be able to face what lies deeper within.

I am now in the last month of editing my next book, On the Edge of the Abyss, the second year of my recapitulation journey. As Chuck was writing his blog earlier this week I was in the midst of editing some passages from my book that struck me as quite apropos, examples of what it’s like to take that journey, to encounter the deeper darkness within, as well as the light at the end of the tunnel. Here are a few excerpts.

On June 1, 2003, when I was deep within, I wrote the following: When night finally comes I fall exhausted into bed and right into a dream. I’m in a new house where everything is empty, clean, and very white. The house is unfurnished and I know I’ll only be here for a little while. I’ve driven down narrow, crowded streets to get here. Children ran up to me as I drove, their faces alive with excitement, but as soon as they caught sight of my face they stopped just short of stepping off the curb. Their exuberance quelled into silence, as they somberly watched me drive past. I’m inside the house for a short while when I realize that someone else is here. I see that a sliding glass door has been left open and someone has tracked snow onto the carpet, the big footprints of a man. When I look out the door I see footprints in the snow outside as well, circling the house. Suddenly fearful, I’m certain that someone else is in the house with me and I no longer feel safe. I search all over for the man I am certain is hiding somewhere in the house. I can’t find him, but I also see that there’s really no place for him to hide. The house is empty; there are no possessions and no furniture to hide behind. I’m also aware that this is only a temporary place of fear, intense and real though it appears.

Jolted awake by this dream, I see by the clock that I’ve only slept a few minutes, but I know immediately what this dream symbolizes. As long I insist on keeping in what my psyche is pushing me to release then, yes, I must suffer. The children in the dream seem to be eagerly awaiting me—my inner children waiting all day for me to turn to them—for they rush up expectantly, calling out, “Here she comes! Here she comes!” They are stunned that I won’t receive them. They are perhaps expecting me to be different in dreamland, but I coldly drive by. Their enthusiasm dies as soon as they see me. They stand silently, with serious faces, and watch me drive past, my dour expression revealing that I’m not ready yet, that I’m on a different mission, still entangled in the trappings of fear. But it’s as if I’ve conjured up the fears, for although I see the footsteps of a man, there is really no man in the house, and thus nothing to really fear. I understand that if I fail to release my old fears, they will continue to haunt me. My dream makes it pretty clear that this is temporary housing, a transitional stage. And I get it—choosing to conjure up fear is of my own doing!

A few days later, on June 3rd, I wrote the following as I was challenged with going deeper still: I am mostly in the grips of fear at the moment, the fear of letting go, and the vast nothingness that I anticipate awaits the moment of letting go. I envision that letting go and leaping off the edge of the precipice, into the darkness of the abyss, means encountering an even deeper underworld filled with more fear, with more shame and more guilt. And I envision having to encounter all that once led to that pile of shame and guilt to begin with. Disgust lies down there at the bottom of the abyss too, disgust that I have needs and desires.

Even in the darkness there are glimpses of the Buddha in all of us... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
Even in the darkness there are glimpses of the Buddha in all of us… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

A few days later, on June 6th I confronted some inner truths, what Chuck wrote about: being human and a deeper understanding of just what that means, one of those calm and illuminating moments that show up in the midst of deep work to encourage us to keep going. Here is what I wrote in my journal on that day:

The yoga studio I’ve been attending for several years now will be closing at the end of the month. I’m sad that one of my safe places will be gone. In the meantime, I’ll practice on my own, as I’ve done for most of my life, though I’ll miss the regular practice that I’ve anchored so deeply in and my fine teacher. I have to take care of myself and learn to give to myself, not only learn how to do it, but learn that it’s allowed. Giving and wanting love are so basic. I’m also slowly learning that I’m allowed to have feelings, that they are human qualities and needs. I must accept that I’m human, though my experiences of being human have been far from delightful. That’s why it’s so important to keep going deeply into the devastation inside and acknowledge it, not only accept the truth of it, but really allow myself to understand that I have indeed been devastated by it, by the lack of affection in my upbringing and by the sexual abuse, and every other abusive situation I’ve landed in. The choices I’d made in order to survive as a child, and all the choices since, have gotten me to the point I’m at today, and excavating and understanding the dynamic behind them is the solution to changing how I react and live my continuing journey.

Though I understand now that I was desperately needy as a child, I mostly recall the bubble of numbness where most of my childhood was spent, my needs dulled and untapped. I realize that I needed love and affection then and I need it now; and although those needs were rarely acknowledged, I’m learning that in order to become a full-fledged human being I must wake them up. I must learn to give to myself, but I also need to learn to accept from others. I deserve, just as every human being deserves, the experiences of being human. We all deserve access to our highest potential. I deserve the praise, the thanks, and the well-meaning gestures of recognition, so that I may fully access the meaning of my own life. I must accept that it’s okay to be happy with my accomplishments, and that it’s okay to FEEL. All of these things are part of making me real.

My second book ends as I go deeper still and tussle with the demon energies of fear, and the demon voices of negativity and control that had dominated me my whole life. It ends on a glorious note, but I had to go even deeper still. The journey would not be over for another year. There were many more moments of pain and fear to be encountered and there were, increasingly, moments of illuminating insight as well. I gained balance as the two—fear and illumination—accompanied me deeper still. I gained a greater understanding of my abusive childhood, what it meant to me as a human being and a spiritual being. I understood why I had to take the deeper journey within. I began to see the greater meaning of all life, understanding that I would have to take the same painful journey repeatedly unless I was willing to put a stop to the endless cycles of living and dying. Like Dante’s pilgrim I had to pass through my own nine circles of hell and see my life for what it really is—realized without ego and without shame, for they were burned in the fires too—a journey of the utmost importance.

We too will transform and rise one day... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
We too will transform and rise one day… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

I believe that at some point we are all ready to take the deeper journey within, into our darkness, and that we will be ready then to encounter all that lies waiting for us there. It will be frightening, and we will have to “abandon all hope” as Dante writes, in order to truly be open to what will eventually bring us new life. Only in burning off all that I once thought was meaningful and important was I able to discover what was truly meaningful and important: accepting that my human self is taking a most meaningful journey through life itself, within and without.

I emerged after my three-year long journey, like Dante’s pilgrim, to be greeted by a star-studded sky, released from all that had once pained and frightened me. Cleansed by the fires of my own inferno, I rose like the phoenix from the ashes a new human being, my spirit reignited. I had been reborn into this human life.

And the journey continues,
Jan

Messages from Jeanne

Readers of Infinity: Within

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Here is Jeanne’s weekly message, channeled most humbly by Jan.

The time of sunrise brings new light and an opportunity to go within, into the network of the inner self... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
The time of sunrise brings new light and an opportunity to go within, into the network of the inner self… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

Having made the decision to change, you must hold yourself to the promise of new life. This requires attention, discipline, and commitment to a new path. In order to achieve your goals you must constantly pull yourself back to the bigger picture. Why am I here? Find that answer within. Within is all you need. There is no greater or more meaningful question or answer. All is within. And this you will only discover the truth of as you go within, turning always inward, even as you move forward into new life. The answers to all you seek lie within. I cannot stress this enough. Let that be enough. In allowing Within to be your guide, you will succeed in all your endeavors. Seek first within, seek connection to your higher self within. Then all else will naturally fall into place, and all else that you seek will be discovered, revealed, and supported as well. There is nothing as provocative and magical as what awaits within.

Messages from Jeanne

Readers of Infinity: The Eternal Self

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Here is today’s message from Jeanne, followed by a Tarot reading, both of them channeled through me for you, for all of us, for we are all living here now. I humbly offer this channeling.

It might look like quite a mountain, but just like the inner journey it's not what you think. - Photo by Jan Ketchel
It might look like quite a mountain, but just like the inner journey it’s not what you think. – Photo by Jan Ketchel

Although things may feel dire, do not lose hope, for there is always light. Even in your darkest moments there is light guiding your way, for how else would you have evolved to the person you are today? Through all of your lifetimes that light has shown you the next step. That light is not to be found outside of you but only inside, for it is your eternal self showing you always what you need to know.

You might feel that it is showing you only darkness, but you also know that isn’t true, for even in the darkness you are learning. Your life—all your lives upon that earth for that matter—are learning projects. Not tiresome like some learning projects, life offers you your own special lessons. Whether or not you engage them on a deeper level is up to you.

If you are bored with your life, feeling stuck or complacent, unable to grow further, look not outside of you for what you lack, but look inside at what you have ignored. For I guarantee there is something of great value inside you that you have been afraid or reluctant to face.

If your life and your eternal spirit are already taking you on a journey you had never expected or perhaps never wanted to take, know that it is your true path to resolution and freedom that you are traversing, and though it may be painful and difficult you will one day reach a new plane. Your eternal self will not desert you, for your goal in life is to unite with this eternal self, take your destined journey together, and be freed of all that keeps you bored, stuck or complacent. And this true journey of freedom can only be taken in the company of this eternal self. All the answers you seek lie within, in the hands of this most brilliant and capable self.

Though your journey may meander, backtrack, falter, and stagnate, your eternal self will bring you signs and messages as to how to take your next step. It is your choice as to whether or not you accept the guidance. Life is what you seek, life itself, fully lived. For that is really why you are there upon that earth—to live! It’s that simple. You are there upon that earth to live and experience what it means to be human, to be eternal, to be humanly alive and yet full of the eternal knowing self as well.

In companionship with your eternal self will you flourish. Seek the light that shines within!

Thank you to Jeanne for that enlightening message today.

The Nine of Cups from the Thoth Tarot deck.
The Nine of Cups from the Thoth Tarot deck.

Following is the guidance from the Tarot card I pulled as I asked for a followup to this guidance, offering another source of inspiration. I think it dovetails nicely with Jeanne’s message, pointing out the happiness and wholeness that await as we take our journey and do our inner work. Balanced happiness and a sense of fulfillment will ensue. Although Jeanne suggests we look within, there are always messages from without that may help us as we go within. So take this guidance from without to your eternal self and ask that deeper self to make sense of it all for where you are now. Perhaps it is the right guidance, the next message you needed. Be aware that the next step on your journey will be revealed in some way, big or little, subtle or profound. The light within is always shining. Good Luck!

Nine of Cups

“The Nine of Cups is happiness. The pewter cups reflect tangible happiness that is associated with either health, finances, work, creativity or relationships. This is happiness that is fulfilling internally as well as externally. Internal happiness is represented by the three vertical cups representing happiness of body, mind, and spirit; the horizontal three cups represent happiness experienced in body, mind, and spirit externally…When you pull the Nine of Cups, it is an indication that you are able, in the next nine weeks or the next nine months, to experience emotional expansion that comes from the feeling of fulfillment in completion, internally and externally. There’s an ability to integrate and balance feelings in deep and expansive ways for your own emotional happiness and well-being.” -from The Tarot Handbook by Angeles Arrien. Tarot card from Aleister Crowley’s Thoth Tarot Deck.

Messages from Jeanne

Readers of Infinity: New Rules of Engagement

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Here is the channeled message for the week from Jeanne:

This is what greeted me when I looked out the window this morning! - Photo by Jan Ketchel
This is what greeted me when I looked out the window this morning! – Photo by Jan Ketchel

First, abide by rules of love and compassion for self and all other living beings. Take heed of life around you and note that there is grave need of such love and compassion, which is by far stronger than the rules that now permeate your world, destroying cultures and living creatures alike. Take a look at this worldwide view of things and know that each one of you has the opportunity to be part of a changing attitude and a changing world. Be thoughtful in all your decision-making now, keeping always this worldview in mind.

That being said, the most important decision that any one being can make is the decision to change the self, to align with the greater forces of good, that is to say, the universal forces of love and compassion.

Look now for more opportunities to change the self. They will become more apparent. Though the opportunity to change always exists, you will begin to be bombarded with direct messages of how to change, when to change, and what to do once you make these changes in the self. The world, on a mass scale, will begin to receive these drastic messages of change as well—for they are much needed and will be much supported.

It is time to take life in a new direction. Do not mourn what can no longer be sustained, but be strengthened by the energy that no longer need be wasted in areas that no longer provide the necessities of life. Move the self forward, taking only what is truly resonant and useful, allowing for new forms of energy and progress.

Do not dismiss the messages from the deeper self, especially those you have long ignored, for they are your guidance now too, bringing you individually to your next plateau so that you are better prepared for new life. In working on issues of the deeper self, you will be freed to accept and align with the changes you so desire and need, personally and collectively.

Freeing the self of old ideas will aid the progress of the worldwide effort to be freed of old ideas too, hateful and disharmonious ideas, as well as ideas of inflated superiority or deep degradation, of self and other. For at the core you are all the same. All human beings, now and forever, suffer the same needless issues. All human beings have the same opportunities for meaningful change to take place, now and forever. With conscious awareness that everyone will benefit from change, please make an attempt to change the self. Now is a good time!

Observe, as I said, the rules of love and compassion. In some manner, allow the self to warm to a new personal process, stirring up new feelings for the self. With honesty and truth, face your lies and untruths, most of which are both true and untrue.

Where have your thoughts and ideas about the self and the world come from? That’s the first place to begin. Who told you that you were not worthy of life and love? Not you, I guarantee!

Open your heart, just a little, to the truth that as a being of energy you are also a being of light and love. Try that being on for a change and take it out into the world today. And then try it on again and again, and see what happens as you step out into the world. You might notice a change all around you as you, a being of light and love, enter your old world structures and light them up a little!

Do this simple exercise that offers the opportunity for a shift and notice how you begin to feel, as you are received differently, and how you act differently in return. This is the lesson for the week: Be the loving and compassionate being you really are!

Thank you, Jeanne! Just as I had finished channeling the message, which I write by hand, I looked up to see a large dog in the front yard. It’s not unusual that one of our neighbors’ dogs might wander across our yard during the day, and so I expected it to sniff around, chew some bread crumbs perhaps, and then wander onward. This dog, however, stayed around. It wasn’t until I looked a little closer that I saw it was dragging a long lead that had gotten caught on a low rock wall. It was stuck! And so I quickly bundled up and went out to rescue it, Jeanne’s message fresh in my mind. I greeted it with love and compassion and it greeted me with the same. An old dog, I was pretty sure I recognized her and where she lived, and so I freed her from the frozen rock wall and off we trotted quite happily together down the hill and around the corner. I thought she would be happy to be heading home on this frosty morning, but she really wanted to take a walk, so we took our time. She sort of huffed, “Oh, okay, if you say so,” as we got to her house. A knock on the door and we were greeted warmly. Names were exchanged between us, people who had passed on the road and waved many times, but never made a deeper connection. Now I know the dog’s name too! As I walked back home, ready to type up this message, I realized that the message was already working in my life. I hope it does as quickly in yours too! Love, Jan.

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: The Intent Of The Creative

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I am intent, no matter what comes to interfere...
I am intent, no matter what comes to interfere…

As Jeanne suggests in her Monday Message, the New Year is really but a marker allowing us Earthlings the opportunity to measure the passage of time, but if we are willing we can use it to change ourselves. This involves using intent, but it also involves utilizing the creative energy of nature inherent in all of us. A decision to move in a new direction is a creative act, but if our intentions are to have lasting effect we must be open to the wisdom of infinitesimal movement rather than broad sweeping jumps. In small but intentional, focused movement we support our intentions to change. In paying attention to what comes to guide us, whether from outside or from inside, and determining how best to use such guidance, we energetically and creatively propel ourselves along our path of change.

And so each year at this time we set our New Year’s resolutions. From my own experiences in setting resolutions, I already know that stating my intent alone has power, but if I really want to see and feel the change on a deeper and more immediate level, I know I must be attentive. I must become the creative process and all that it brings me, fully embracing every aspect of it.

If we look at nature’s intent we receive guidance, for nature has unbending intent, set so long ago it simply moves along at a steady pace. It is repetitive, and yet it is evolving as well. Nature does not look back nor is it given an opportunity to pause and reflect, it simply does its thing. We on the other hand, such brilliant creatures that we are, get stuck. We come up against things that nature never has to contend with. We come up against what we carry within us and what comes from without, seeking attention and attachment.

I consider such inner and outer interferences as tests, tests of our intent to change. In constantly restating our intent at the same time that we turn back to investigate our past—something that nature cannot do—we can track where we’ve been. We can study how we’ve attached in the past to inner and outer attachments and influences, and see how we’ve faltered or progressed. For instance, if I set my intent to follow the Middle Way, the path of balance in all aspects of my life and keep this intent uppermost as I go throughout my day, I will immediately begin to see what comes to both thwart and guide, for that which comes is both.

In alignment with the Middle Way, I am aware that everything that comes my way will offer both the opportunity to attach and the opportunity to detach, offering tests and guidance alike.

Yum!!!
Yum!!!

For instance, I decide to give up sweets in all forms because sugar pulls me off my intentional path. It interferes with my inner balance. But wouldn’t you know that the house is full of sweets. There is a beautiful carrot cake in the refrigerator that houseguests brought over the other night. I love carrot cake! I know that if I eat a piece of it I will have to suffer the consequences, and those consequences will be deep, especially now that I’ve decided to shift away from sweets. If I decide to leave it alone and let others eat it, I will have, for the moment, averted my first test of fortitude, my first test of detachment.

Change requires patience and discipline, but it also requires monitoring—that we remain aware on many levels. We must pay attention to how we have attached in the past so that we can learn how to detach as we walk our newly intentioned path. A decision to detach from an old habit or world means learning how to detach from an old self—for this is really all that we are contending with, ourselves and what we carry inside us.

Nurturing a new self requires constant attention. Moving along on our path of intent requires that we are constantly alert in a new and changing world, for that is what we are seeking to manifest as we set an intent to change. We are asking ourselves to live in a new world of our own creation. And such creation has its own energy of intent. Once set in motion there is no stopping it, for the intent of the creative is constant movement. Once set in motion we can expect the energy of creative activity to be in our lives. And although, as I mentioned, nature—even our own inherent nature—is programmed to move forward, we human beings must constantly stop and investigate ourselves if we are to really progress. To simply jump ahead and be something that we have not nurtured will not stand up to the test of time. If we are to really change, we must allow the intent of that change to carry us forward, infinitesimally.

As we take our steps each day now along our new paths of intent, we learn that we are our own biggest tests, that we carry within us all the attachments that we will ever need, that all we really need to do is go inward and ask our deeper selves what is right as we take our new path. Energy will appear out of nowhere seeking attachment; it’s how it works. It’s almost as if in setting our intent to change our energy is suddenly viable, tasty and appealing to others who may be lacking in energy. Suddenly we are wanted. That energy of attachment might come in old friends calling for contact, people we have not heard from in years suddenly manifesting. What do we do? What does it mean that they call us? Are we supposed to grant them something, is there something we have to offer them?

We must first determine if they are part of our new intent to change or if they are one of our tests of detachment? Usually, I turn inward, sit with my own energy and ask it if it wants to engage in an old world. I ask it if there is something I still need to get back there. I question if it’s right for me to use my energy in the past or if it’s better to turn forward into the new light of the New Year’s intent and detach with compassion and love, offering the new me an opportunity to take an infinitesimal step forward.

Sometimes it’s best to visit in the past to really understand why we are drawn there, to determine the truth of why we are being called back. Or can we state our new position in life and be accepted? Will our old friends understand that we have changed so much already and that we do not exist as that old self or in that old world? Do they understand what it even means to set an intent to change and evolve? Have we gone beyond certain people, not rejectingly so, but factually so?

I'm in a new world now...
I’m in a new world now…

We must, if we are truly changing beings, constantly remind ourselves to readjust our compasses and realign with the world we really want to live in. More questions will always arise as we are tested in our New Year’s resolutions.

At the same time that I turn inward and notice my energy, I remind myself of my creative energy, that which drives me to seek both the Middle Way and the experiences of the world I have been creating for myself for the past ten years or more. As I contemplate this creative changing self, I realize that my entire existence in this life has prepared me for this ultimate creative endeavor, and so I find that I cannot stop. My spirit is driving me forward now, as our spirit’s intent is what really pushes us to constantly change, not our mind’s intent, though they must work hand in hand, for we are human. And this is the Middle Way, the spirit and the mind working in alignment with the greater intent of our soul’s desire for growth.

And so, as the New Year really begins in earnest, as my intentions to deepen my spiritual path are given an opportunity to manifest a little bit more each day, I accept what comes to thwart and guide me. And if I happen to take a tiny piece of carrot cake, I will know that it is part of this process, that I will learn something necessary about myself from my decision. But then I will be like nature and move on, realigning with this process of creating my new self, once again on my path, for that is my intent. This is not a selfish endeavor, but a deeply spiritual endeavor, for I know that by my intent to constantly realign with my soul’s intent, I am influencing the energy of the intent of all soul’s to evolve.

Taking one more intentional, infinitesimal step along the Middle Way, and wishing you all good intentions for a very Happy Changing New Year,
Jan