Category Archives: Jan’s Blog

Welcome!

Archived here are the blogs I write about inner life and outer life, inner nature and outer nature. Perhaps my writings on life, as I see it and experience it, may offer you some small insight or different perspective as you take your own journey.

With gratitude for all that life teaches me, I share my experiences.

Jan Ketchel

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Recapitulation & Balance

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Maintaining balance may be the most important part of undertaking a recapitulation process. Entering into the unknown self or unknown realities is a very serious matter and should never be taken lightly. When I was very near the end of my recapitulation I had some frightening experiences that nearly freaked me out. Though I clearly understood that I had entered an alternate reality and that some evil entity was making a last ditch effort to recapture the energy that I had worked so hard to regain, it was not until I sat with Chuck at one of our regularly scheduled shamanic sessions that I was able to calm down and return to a sense of normality. Chuck calmly and softly said: “Don’t worry, Jan, the shamans have an explanation for everything you’ve been experiencing.” That alone was enough to calm me down and bring me back to reality, to tuck my fears away as we went on to explore in greater detail just what had happened and why.

In many of his books, Carlos Castaneda writes of don Juan being the sobering factor in many of his adventures into inner silence. Specifically, on pages 197-199 in The Active Side of Infinity he relates an experience he had with don Juan of going into inner silence and ending up walking in the Sonoran desert. He said that he could not speak during these adventures, that only don Juan, whose grave voice guided him when necessary, could talk. At the end of the experience, he writes the following:

Suddenly, I felt don Juan’s arm hooking my right arm and pulling me from the boulder. He said that it was time to go. The next moment, I was in his house again, in central Mexico, more bewildered than ever.

“Today, you found inorganic awareness, and then you saw it as it really is,” he said. “Energy is the irreducible residue of everything. As far as we are concerned, to see energy directly is the bottom line for a human being. Perhaps there are other things beyond that, but they are not available to us.”

Don Juan asserted all this over and over, and every time he said it, his words seemed to solidify me more and more, to help me return to my normal state. [End of quote.]

This captures many of my own experiences when working with Chuck during my recapitulation process. Over and over again he would bring me back to solidity, to balance in this reality with sharp calls to return to now, to the present moment, followed by sobering though at the time I thought rather “otherworldly” explanations of the experiences I was having.

Balance requires awareness. In the beginning of recapitulating it may be exceedingly productive and even crucial to have a seasoned guide, for it is very easy to get drawn into fear by foreign energy and get lost in the dramas of old memories, old situations, and old behaviors. It is also possible to get lost in other worlds, which it may take weeks to extricate oneself from. I had all of these kinds of experiences and many others during the three years when I did the bulk of my recapitulation. However, every time I had an experience and returned to balance in this reality, often grounded by Chuck’s pragmatic discussions of how the seers of ancient Mexico understood the universe, I gained and retained new awareness that I then utilized in further explorations.

Often I visualized balance as straddling a river, the river being this reality, the present, and either side of it, where my feet were planted, being my experiences. One foot was firmly planted in the past as I recapitulated and relived experiences from my entire life. The other foot was planted in a new world of awareness as I gained an understanding and perception that had previously been rejected and denied because of my need to control my world and be safe. Chuck seamlessly entered all three of those worlds with me, guiding me to truthfully observe my experiences in whatever reality I was in at the time, but then drawing me back into balance, sometimes quite forcefully as don Juan did Carlos, asking me to deeply study and bring into cohesion all three realities.

During my recapitulation I also learned that finding balance meant forging a connection to spirit, to the heart-centered inner guide. If I found myself in an unfamiliar world while recapitulating, in an alternate universe for instance, and could not figure out what I was supposed to do and was not able to talk to Chuck about it, I learned to rely on what my heart said was the right thing to do. This became a steady and reliable source of guidance during many uncomfortable and strange encounters. As I learned what my own energy felt like, absent of negative outside energy and old embedded energy planted in me by others and by life’s experiences, I was more quickly able to return to awareness and inner truth. The more I connected to my own inner spirit, the more anchored and aware I became, gaining not only increased self-confidence, but also a new sense of personal power.

It became increasingly easier to return to relying on the self with the more experiences I recapitulated. As old untruths gave way to previously hidden truths the reason for taking a recapitulation journey clearly revealed itself as the only way I was ever going to really change. I learned that my personal experiences belonged to me alone, for reasons that were meant for me to grow from, and even though others may have been involved it was up to me to take responsibility for dissecting from them my own life’s lessons.

Staying in balance is not only necessary during the process of recapitulation but is crucial to living a life of awareness. Without balance our lives may become scattered, stressed, unfocused, and we may even succumb to old habits and behaviors. In a dream last night I was shown how my personal energy is directly connected to remaining in balance. In this dream I had my hand on a square motherboard, slightly larger than my hand, of luminous energy connections. This motherboard was centered on a larger square, creating a mandala, held in place in the center of the back by a single metal spring soldered to the larger square, so that it was quite wobbly and shook when even lightly touched. When my hand was perfectly and lightly balanced in the center of the small board, the energy was fantastic, vibrating, glowing, and alive, but when I removed my hand the energy died immediately. If I shifted it slightly or removed a finger or two, the energy and the luminosity dimmed. It was clear to me that to be in perfect balance takes focus, attention, and awareness. It is not to be taken lightly. In understanding the precarious nature of being human, with little shifts here and there, I saw that my energy is really under my own control. I am responsible for remaining aware, each moment, of how I decide to use my energy or not. In the dream it was also clear to me that this motherboard was heart-centered and that this is where my connection to the energy of myself and the universe is to be found.

To remain in balance is to do so in reality, whatever that reality may be. As Carlos learned in working with don Juan, and as I learned in my shamanic work with Chuck, the more experiences I had in the seers’ world and in my own recapitulation the more I was able to navigate all realities with greater awareness and energy. Eventually, as Carlos, I became fully capable of taking journeys alone, able to see energy as it flows in the universe, and able to return to balance, without the guidance of another.

Perhaps the most rewarding part of doing a recapitulation is that one becomes open to life in a different way, perceiving and understanding the universe differently but also the self. I have certainly found that it has been far easier, and much more fun, to just be alive without the burdens of untruth that I carried for so many years. I humbly offer these blogs about recapitulation so that others may dare to journey into themselves and into other realities. Perhaps these experiences are helpful.

If you wish, feel free to share or comment in the Post Comment section below.

Sending you all love, good wishes, and balance.
Jan

NOTE: Books mentioned in this blog are available in our Store under the Shamanism category.

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Recapitulation & The “Not I”

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Once again I take up the subject of inorganic beings. Last week, in Recapitulation & Inorganic Beings I stressed the importance of familiarizing ourselves with our own energy and being able to recognize the good inorganic energy that is present in our lives, such as my own connection to Jeanne, an inorganic being on a mission of aiding those of us who are seeking to evolve, whom I am energetically compatible with. I also stressed the importance of recognizing the incessant chatter of the mind as inorganic energy. Today, I write about another type of inorganic being from the seers’ world of ancient Mexico, energy that wants something from us. Though it also wants to teach us something, its main intent is first and foremost to find a means of attaching to us, the ultimate goal being to siphon our awareness, our energy, for its own survival. However, our ultimate challenge, in all of these cases, is to train our awareness so that we may be in a position that is energetically strong, grounded, utterly sober and pragmatic, so that we may be able to navigate all worlds.

In The Active Side of Infinity and The Art of Dreaming don Juan teaches Carlos Castaneda about the power of inorganic beings. He tells him that they exist as outside forces, predatory beings that seek control of human awareness. He calls them scouts, probes from the universe looking for awareness. They are always present in some form. As I wrote about last week even our thoughts are considered, by the seers of ancient Mexico, to be inorganic beings, which they call Flyers and when they are busy chomping away at us, our thoughts swirling and driving us crazy, they refer to us as being in the throes of the Flyer’s Mind. The only recourse we have is to learn how to manipulate them to our best advantage, but this takes work in strengthening our awareness. On page 217 in The Active Side of Infinity don Juan says:

“There are scores of outside forces controlling you at this moment,” he says. “The control that I am referring to is something outside the domain of language. It is your control and at the same time it is not. It cannot be classified, but it can certainly be experienced. And above all, it can certainly be manipulated. Remember this: It can be manipulated, to your total advantage, of course, which again is not your advantage, but the energy body’s advantage. However, the energy body is you, so we could go on forever like dogs biting their own tails, trying to describe this. Language is inadequate. All these experiences are beyond syntax.”

During recapitulation we are given the opportunity to train our awareness through re-experiencing our pasts. This is the ultimate gift of doing a thorough and fearless recapitulation; our awareness not only grows, but eventually becomes a seamless and natural accompanist as we navigate our lives. During my own recapitulation I often met inorganic beings in dreams, often frighteningly odd creatures that captivated my attention. One day when I mentioned them to Chuck he told me not to focus on them. “They are the scouts in the universe looking to grab your awareness,” he said, “and take you back to an old place, attempting to usurp your energy for their own use.” I took this very seriously. Don Juan basically tells Carlos the same thing in The Art of Dreaming. On page 28 he says:

“…Dreaming has to be a very sober affair. No false movement can be afforded. Dreaming is a process of awakening, of gaining control. Our dreaming attention must be systematically exercised…”

Lately, perhaps because I have been reading and writing about them, inorganic beings have been appearing in my dreams. In one dream, Chuck and I travel to a Mexican desert town by car. Upon arrival at a crowded bus station we come upon two strange men covered from head to toe with yellow dirt. I know that they have been fighting and that we are in the midst of drug-related gang territory, that everyone at the bus station is somehow connected to a drug cartel. Chuck tosses them a towel from the car so they can wipe the sand off. At this point my awareness kicks in and I am immediately cautious. It is then that I begin to notice that everyone in this town is odd in some way and many of the people have large pumpkin shaped heads on skinny bodies. I thwart my gaze so that I do not look at anyone directly. The dream goes on, but the point I am making is that my awareness took note of the oddness of the situation and without hesitation took appropriate action to protect my energy. As opposed to earlier dreaming during my recapitulation when my awareness would speak to me, saying, “Don’t look!” at such times (essentially warning me, as Chuck had, to not get caught), now my awareness and I are in synch.

In a second dream, a tiny naked man, about a foot tall, appears several times, crossing slowly and suggestively back and forth in front of me, obviously trying to get my attention. He looks like a tiny skinny naked Waldo from the Where’s Waldo series of books. Once again my awareness takes note and without hesitation, my guard kicks in and I shift my gaze. I do not focus on him, though at an earlier stage in my awareness training I might have been very drawn to his comical appearance.

In a third dream, my mother appears, looking very odd, her head large, her features distorted, acting in an uncharacteristic manner. I immediately know that the inorganic beings are trying to trick me. They know that we are drawn to attach to those who are most familiar, yet my awareness is immediately aroused by this strange version of my mother. I do not fall for the attempted trickery. Again, I turned my gaze downward and watch sideways through my eyelashes as this odd being does some exceedingly strange things, not at all like my mother in her true form. Eventually she meets up with two strange looking men whom she links arms with and the three of them go wildly dancing and skipping down the street, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz prancing down the yellow brick road with the lion and the scarecrow. Without attachment I turn away and go back into the dream that had been unfolding before I was interrupted.

In these examples, I stress the importance of being aware, of training our awareness. And how do we do that? The first thing is to understand the “Not I” of our dreams. Jung suggests that everything in our dreams is us, but he also cautions that we must learn about archetypal energy so that we do not get caught by it. In essence, he warns us to not engage the collective unconscious, inorganic beings, until we are ready, even though archetypal energy seeks us out all the time. As don Juan suggests to Carlos regarding inorganic beings: they exist all the time and they are trying to control us; which is equally true for the archetypes that exist in the collective unconscious.

So, by questioning what is “Not I” we begin a process of inner work that eventually will lead to recognizing the scouts, the inorganic beings that come to us in whatever shape or form they may use. Their attempts may be very personal, they may come in the form of our biggest fears or they may be comical, clownish attempts to attract our attention. We can begin training this aspect of recognition by intending this step before we dream or even before we begin our day. Perhaps a simple mantra will do: Please help me to recognize and be aware of that which is “Not I” in my dreams and in my life, or something like that.

The next step is to decide what to do about these inorganic beings once we do recognize them as “Not I.” Don Juan says that it is always an individual’s choice what to do with them, but he also cautions not to engage them until we have enough energy and awareness or we risk getting into trouble. As Jung suggests, engaging the collective unconscious without doing our homework can lead to psychosis. The dangers are that we might get fascinated by them, that we might get inflated and think we can handle them, or that we might underestimate them, seeing them as harmless and funny. It is equally important to not get frightened by them and run away. If we are indeed to gain awareness, we must learn to stand our ground. Here are some practical precautions, as inorganic beings approach in dreaming and perhaps in real time as well:

Don’t play with them.

Don’t stare at them.

Don’t draw them to you.

Don’t engage or speak to them.

Don’t throw yourself at something you don’t understand.

Be suspicious and cautious.

Protect your energy.

Learn to use the inorganic beings that appear in dreaming and in life to strengthen awareness. In strengthening our dreaming awareness we eventually arrive at a place where we can begin to engage what appears so strange and mysterious in our dreams, but from a place of power, just as we train our awareness to recognize the Flyer’s Mind in our everyday reality. This training leads to appropriate detachment and new stores of energy that we can then use for ourselves alone.

When we get to this place of strength, with enough personal power to navigate the world of the inorganic beings and the collective unconscious, when we are naturally more aware, acting from instinct and knowledge, our journey becomes fascinating rather than frightening. When we have worked with our personal energy, successfully contained and trained it, then are we ready to find out why the inorganic beings are present and what they are trying to tell us. For they do in fact have something to teach us, they come to challenge us, but they also want payback. They give, but they also take. There is always an exchange and until we are prepared and strong enough, we may get ourselves into trouble, caught in energy draining unawareness.

I have been aware of the inorganic beings in both my dreaming world and my everyday world for a long time now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get caught by them. Again and again we fall for their trickery, we let them entertain us, and we get caught in old habits of repetitive behavior that keep us stuck. There is always the opportunity to learn from them, but the first challenge is always the same, and it resides in the choices we make. For even though we may have learned to recognize the inorganic beings in our lives, we are still apt to engage them, inflatedly thinking that we can outwit them this time. Or even, as I have been doing in my dreams, avoiding them, perhaps because of an underlying fear of what they might have to tell us about ourselves, or because we fear they may take us into unknown territory.

Fortunately, being the seekers that we are, we eventually get the message that it’s time to confront our nemeses and take our awareness to a new level. And that is what I intend to do next in my dreams. At least I think I might do that, but of course I may decide at the last minute that I’m not ready yet, and that’s okay too!

If you wish, feel free to share or comment in the Post Comment section below.

Sending you all love and good wishes; and watch out for those inorganic beings!
Jan

NOTE: Books mentioned in this blog are available in our Store under the Shamanism category.

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Recapitulation & Inorganic Beings

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Today I write about inorganic beings, a complex and often confusing subject that I have been pondering for weeks, not quite sure how to approach it in this blog. Even a thought about or reference to inorganic beings—beings without form or beings able to appear in any shape or form—can induce fear. I often see people shudder when the subject is brought up. Since I do not intend to frighten anyone, I have decided to approach the topic today from a personal perspective. Hopefully some of my experiences during my recapitulation and otherwise will alleviate some of the discomfort associated with inorganic beings, as well as raise awareness as to how they may potentially approach us and what their presence might mean in our lives.

Jeanne, whom I communicate with regularly, is an inorganic being. A month before she died in December 2001 she came to me in a few dreams, almost as if she were setting up the process that would unfold over the next few years. After she died she began coming to me in other shapes and forms, sometimes materializing before me in recognizable human form, other times as pure energy that I could not see but could feel, and still other times as visible luminous white fluttering energy. I was never afraid of her, though the first time she appeared before me, as if a hologram were forming right before my eyes, I have to say I was quite shocked.

The thing that I recognized about Jeanne, inorganic being that she was, was that her energy felt good, it felt right, and it matched my own perfectly. So that is the first important thing to learn about the self: What does your personal energy feel like? It should be instantly recognizable, known, and accessible. Personally, I have a longstanding relationship with my own energy, with what it feels like, and I suggest that most other people do as well. Even if you’ve never thought about it, you know how you feel when you are in your element, in balance, perhaps doing something creative, something calming, or even something thrilling. We all have a personal energy that is ours alone, as personal as our fingerprints.

Once we definitely recognize what our personal energy feels like then we can use it to gauge ourselves energetically in the world, both in the world of everyday life as well as what we encounter as we recapitulate, dream, and have experiences that go beyond the norm. We can learn to use it to our advantage no matter what the situation is by training ourselves to retain awareness of our personal energy at all times, even when we are being challenged to go beyond our routines and comfort zones.

When don Juan teaches Carlos Castaneda about inorganic beings he accompanies him on many adventures, watching over him and guiding him through some tricky situations, until eventually Carlos is able to have some experiences on his own, having trained his awareness about how inorganic beings approach, in what shape and form, and learning to decipher what they want and whether they are friend or foe. For instance, the mind is a great place for inorganic energy to attach. Flyers, as the shamans call mind-destined energy eaters, can appear as incessant thoughts, worries, fears, etc. that eat up our energy and make us forget why we are really here. They can come in many forms, taking us away from our selves, our goals, our intentions, keeping us captivated while they get what they want: our energy.

During my own recapitulation I learned that these flyers come most often in the form of old voices from the past that we may not even recognize as those of others, such as our parents, teachers, people who have abused us, our religion, our society, our politicians, any number of things we have been taught and heard over and over again from the time we were born. These voices pile up and pile on the jargon of the world we live in, until we are inundated and, before we know it, they occupy our everyday speech, actions, thoughts, and ideas, pestering us into living automatic and uncreative lives based on a generally accepted protocol of what life is meant to be.

These flyers have been eating away at our energy for a long time before we start to think and act for ourselves. By the time we wake up to the truth that we have our own ideas, thoughts, and curiosities about life that deviate from everything we have ever been taught, the flyers will do what they are supposed to do: they will start in on us again, incessantly calling us back to their dogma and their way of doing things, which after all we’ve been doing for so long and weren’t we happy with the way things were? Breaking away from the flyers, from the mind of the past, is a major step not only in recapitulation, but in growing up and becoming a separate adult human being on a personal journey.

Another form of inorganic being that I encountered during my recapitulation appeared in the form of foreign energy. The first thing I learned was that it had been present in my personal energetic world for a long time already, just as the flyers had been. Foreign energy, energy that has attached to us through experiences and interactions with people in our pasts, loves us. In true parasitic fashion, it finds a home in us, eats away at our energy, taking it from us, depleting us. When we finally discover its vicious little teeth chomping away at us, it can put up quite a fight as we try to extricate it from our very beings.

This foreign energy plants itself in us during experiences in life; sexual encounters being but one of them. The shamans say that women carry within them the energy of every man they have ever had sex with. Men, in turn, take energy from women, so suffice it to say that they too carry around with them the energy of every woman they have ever had sex with. This might not sound too appealing, but until we rid ourselves of this foreign energy, whether it arrived in sexual encounters or in other ways, we will not be totally energetically complete and whole.

During my recapitulation I dubbed the flyers and foreign energy “The Invisibles” because they would come out of nowhere and before I knew it I was back in their clutches, moaning about not wanting to leave the old comforts they provided, even though I knew they were devastating to me. That old energy was so well known to me, how could I ever let it go? These inorganic beings and I had traveled a long way together, how could I possibly leave them behind? From my reactions you might get the gist of how they work. By constantly returning and exerting pressure—We’re such good friends, aren’t we, Jan? Isn’t it easier to just give in and acquiesce to us? Can’t we just stay a little longer? etc.—they attempted to remain present in my body, my thoughts, my world, stealing my energy.

As I wrote about in Recapitulation & Breathing, a number of good breathing techniques can help remove these uninvited guests. By breathing them out, by refusing them with conscious intent to unseat them, they eventually get the idea that we are serious, that we will not let them in anymore and eventually they leave and we gain back our own energy. Once we have successfully gained it all back, we are in a very strong position to ward off not only these very common inorganic beings but the more tricky and conniving ones of other worlds.

In having done a recapitulation and in recognizing that I am completely compatible with Jeanne’s energy in infinity, I have continued to train my awareness, especially as regards inorganic beings because they are always out there, ready to sneak in when we are unaware, looking for some tasty energy, no matter how well attuned and aware we may think we are. The thing to remember is that none of this is personal. Inorganic beings operate, from what I can discern, completely impersonally, just out for what they can get.

I hope some of this makes sense. I think the first thing to take note of is personal energy. Get to know it, recognize it, and always come home to it. Secondly, begin to really listen to the flyers of the mind, the voices of old; question them, and question the unspoken commands and the actions we do automatically, as to whether or not they are right. Thirdly, it is important to rid ourselves of energy that does not belong to us, and to refuse to let it back in. These confrontations with the reality we have accepted and lived with for so long offer breaks in the incessant jargon of a world that was created long before we entered it.

And lastly, once we are ready to question this reality we open ourselves to a new way of not only seeing the world, but reacting and interacting in it. And we may, if we choose, after our training, go off alone, like Carlos, better prepared to enter other worlds and to deal with what we may encounter.

I am fortunate to have encountered Jeanne, but I have also, through the years, encountered other not so compatible and often very uncomfortable and sometimes frightening energy, but because of my training with her in infinity and with Chuck in the shaman’s world I will not be deterred. I know I must remain aware at all times, that is a lifelong challenge, but I cannot stop my journey now. I want to keep going, to enter new worlds freely, without doubt, shame, embarrassment, without flyers or foreign energy holding me back.

If you wish, feel free to share or comment in the Post Comment section below.

Sending you all love and good wishes; and watch out for those inorganic beings!
Jan

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: From the Archives

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Jan is taking a few days off. We found something from the archives that is in alignment with recent topics. From Jan’s blog, A Day in a Life, originally posted on February 4, 2010, here is What is Fear?:

Dear Readers,

I thought this portion of a message that I received from Jeanne today might be interesting and perhaps helpful as you do your inner work. She says the following:

As fears pop up to challenge you, take a look at them and know that they are just that, fears, and nothing more. And what is fear but an old habit of emotional baggage. But if you look into that bag you will see that it is empty because fear is invisible! It does not exist unless you attach to it and make it be important. The process of letting go is taking away the importance of that which has conjured itself before you. These can be many things that, in reality, do not exist unless you attach meaning and significance to them.

She went on to say that by letting go of fears and detaching from the conjuring mind, you free your energy to understand why you had the fears to begin with, and that the mind itself cannot fully achieve clarity because its habit is to focus on what it has conjured. She says:

As you learn to detach, to really let go of the conjuring mind, you will discover what has always been present in your life and in your self and in your destiny. But such clarity only truly comes when you are ready for it.

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Recapitulation & Breathing

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During the process of recapitulation it helps to have support. This support can come in many forms. During my own recapitulation, not only did I work closely with Chuck as teacher and guide, but I also did a lot of yoga and meditation. Specific breathing practices and gentle, self-caring yoga helped immensely as I recapitulated a lot of old and unpleasant stuff. I also did Embodyment Therapy to aid in the physical release of memory. These practices were extremely helpful and right, fitting my personality. In the beginning I also used physical exertion as a means of countering the mental and physical stresses that arose as a result of recapitulating, running and walking off a lot of the onslaughts of infinity, and doing specific magical passes to aid in bearing the tension. However, the deeper I went into my recapitulation the more important it became to allow for and find support for long buried feelings and emotions that needed not only release but to become acceptable. There also comes a point where compassion for the self and others, including the petty tyrants in our lives, becomes necessary for true evolution to take place.

The shamanic sweeping breath, a magical pass, was one of the most helpful of all breathing exercises during recapitulation. Breathing in fresh positive energy and expelling old negative energy belonging to specific memories, people, and places was one of the most important parts of my recapitulation process. This breath not only stirs up memories but vivifies them as well, bringing details of experiences to fuller clarity. As we breathe out we release energy that does not belong to us, replacing it, on each in-breath, with new energy for ourselves alone.

Yoga breathing supports and brings clarity to deep inner work, aiding what is happening in the unconscious and in the physical body. Learning to breathe into specific areas enhances and clarifies where our deepest needs, vulnerabilities, and issues lie. Breathing into the chakras can lead to encounters with our unknown selves, unlocking the mysteries of why we feel bruised or pain in certain areas of our bodies, releasing long buried memories physically buried in our very muscles, sinews, and bones. There are yoga breaths to open passageways into the body for fuller release, but there are equally as many breathing practices to slow down the onslaughts of infinity, bringing stability and calm, so that balance can be restored and maintained. Healing and self-caring breaths are as important as releasing breaths during recapitulation.

Tonglen breathing during meditation, or at anytime, is another supportive and life-changing process, leading to a level of enlightenment that gradually allows us to experience the world as energetically interconnected. As we breathe in the negative energy of guilts, fears, emotions, etc. and breathe out compassion, fearlessness, happiness, lightness, etc., we energetically send that positive intent out into the world. As we turn compassion for others into compassion for ourselves we learn how to let go of our ego’s needs and desires and replace them with loving kindness for ourselves and all sentient beings.

I recently had a personal experience of Tonglen breathing, experiencing it ultimately as the power of the energetic network that we are all hooked into whether we are aware of it or not. I was about to encounter a person with a lot of negative energy, a person I admittedly do not enjoy being with, one of my petty tyrants. Normally I gear up for such encounters by asking for help, guidance and accompanying good energy, by breathing and calming my own energy, and by continually reminding myself, while I am in the presence of this person, that I am just like this person, that I am the same, and that in order to truly heal myself I must achieve true compassion for this person.

As I was preparing to meet up with this person I decided to shift myself, to allow the possibility for this encounter to be different by practicing Tonglen breathing. I started as I left the house, first breathing in, one at a time, the fears, judgments, criticisms, negative attitudes, depressed energy, etc. of this person and breathing out compassion. Then I breathed in my own fears of this person, my own judgments, dislikes, uncomfortability, negative attitudes, etc. towards this person and breathing out compassion. I did this while I drove, a trip of perhaps fifteen minutes at the most. Upon arriving at my destination I continued to meditate upon compassionate loving kindness for this person, holding this uppermost in my thoughts, wanting to stay connected to this intent. This was all I carried with me at that point, feeling immensely lighter and relieved of my normal agita because of the breathing I had done.

Upon my arrival I was greatly surprised by the energetic lightness of this normally dark and negative person. It was immediately clear that this person had energy, and not just nervous or agitated energy, but actual calm and clear energy. The normal judgments and critical language, the depressed thoughts and oblivious actions that I associate with this person were overridden by this new energy. The lightness and clarity of this person’s energy lasted through most of our time together, waning only towards the end. My own energy, while I was with this person and even later, remained soft and compassionate, kind and open.

It was not until I was back in my car that it dawned on me that the Tonglen breathing I had done actually worked on an energetic level, as I have never experienced it before. It worked on behalf of the energy of another person, with quite dramatic results and it certainly worked on me, for I have no doubts about my own energetic experiences of that day. I walked in a new world with this person that day, in a world that had energetically shifted, in which we were freed of our normal business, relieved of old energy and old patterns of behavior. And it all happened on an energetic level without one word being spoken between us. It just was.

I am humbly grateful for the petty tyrants in my life, for the people who challenge me to confront my feelings and my normal means of coping, for the people who have hurt me, rejected me, abandoned me, for the people who criticize, judge, and dismiss me, for they are the ones who greet me on the path to enlightenment and ask me to change. At each encounter with a petty tyrant I am offered the opportunity to practice loving kindness and compassion, to energetically let go of what holds me bound and turn it into fresh, new, positive energy that really does make a difference, as I experienced.

Recapitulation is a many-faceted process. As we encounter memories we discover that they carry more than just the recall of an event. We encounter old energy, thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, criticisms, guilt, envy, pain, etc. We may also encounter many positive aspects of ourselves at other times in our lives. What we are also offered is the possibility to transform our perception of ourselves and others, as well as our view of the world. Finding support in even the most natural of life giving energy, in breathing, which we all do, is a practical and kind step to offer the self as the journey continues.

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Sending you all love and good wishes, and good breathing too!
Jan

NOTE: A definition of Tonglen breathing can be found here or in Pema Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart.