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Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: I Asked For It

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It seems that this blog, which I began in an effort to highlight how Jeanne’s messages relate and intersect with everyday life, is more or less turning into a blog about setting and awaiting outcome of unbending intent, as the seers call it, at least for now. Over the past twelve weeks I’ve been exploring dreaming intent, in which I had sent out a proposal to the women seers of don Juan’s generation of the sorcerers of ancient Mexico, to come and teach me in dreaming. I was utterly amazed as the nights unfolded and I did, in fact, learn invaluable lessons from those women. That process took place last fall and since then I have continued setting dreaming intent each night that I feel I want to go exploring, and although I do not specifically intend to dream with those women, I know they have continued to lead me on some pretty cool adventures. Some nights I may just want to sleep soundly and dreamlessly and that, too, becomes my intent. On the night of June 2, 2010, right before midnight, I had a most profound out-of-body experience (OBE). It was more vivid than any other OBE I have ever had. Clearly, the shamanic work I am doing and the books I have been reading are major factors in how the experience unfolded and how I reacted to what was happening.

In keeping with Jeanne’s message on Monday of this week, to not hold back, I write today about that experience, sharing it with you not only because it was so profound, but also because it is perhaps the thirteenth step in learning a shamanic practice. Before I describe the experience, I quote a paragraph from The Second Ring of Power, the book I was reading just before going to bed that night. Carlos Castaneda is talking to la Gorda and the women of his own generation of seers about the various stages of learning dreaming from the nagual, don Juan. On pages 269-270 Carlos says:

The final stage was drawing the “attention of the nagual” to focus on the total self. Don Juan said that that final stage was usually ushered in by a dream that many of us have had at one time or another, in which one is looking at oneself sleeping in bed. By the time the sorcerer has had such a dream, his attention has been developed to such a degree that instead of waking himself up, as most of us would do in a similar situation, he turns on his heels and engages himself in activity, as if he were acting in the world of everyday life. From that moment on there is a breakage, a division of sorts in the otherwise unified personality. The result of engaging the “attention of the nagual” and developing it to the height and sophistication of our daily attention of the world was, in don Juan’s scheme, the other self, an identical being as oneself, but made in “dreaming.”

Don Juan went on to encourage Carlos to practice, saying that there are no definite steps for teaching that double, or dreaming self, just as there are no definite steps to teaching ourselves how to be aware in our daily lives; we do it by practicing it from the time we are born. Don Juan also encouraged Carlos to practice without fear getting the best of him. After reading the above quote, I recalled how other out-of-body explorers generally suggest that looking at the self asleep is to be avoided because when attention is drawn back to the physical body it may arouse fear, causing us to snap out of the experience and land right back into that sleeping self. In contrast, I saw that don Juan was actually suggesting that looking at the sleeping self was part of the process in learning to fully “dream.” When I fell asleep that night I merely put out my intent to “see” and to “dream.” Here is my experience, which I will attempt to capture in as much detail as possible:

I wake up and look outside through the sliding glass door of the bedroom. I see what I perceive as an airplane blinking behind the trees in the distance; it blinks quickly and then swings sharply to the left, low on the horizon. As I watch this unusually strange maneuver, I think that perhaps it’s not an airplane after all, but a shooting star. But even that idea does not fit what I’m seeing, because the light doesn’t shoot and burn out, but flies directly towards the deck, which is right outside the sliding door. The light flits about and I wonder if it’s a firefly, but I’ve never seen one this big nor one that zips about so happily, bouncing in the air, its fat body large and bright, a luminous elongated egg-shape, and not blinking on and off like the light of a firefly.

During all of this I am partially sitting up in bed, feeling extremely uncomfortable and awkward, blinking my eyes over and over again in order to clear them so I can see better. I feel very heavy, drugged by sleep, and it’s a struggle to stay sitting up, but something is drawing me to the window. With great effort I get out of bed, still feeling clumsy, as if very intoxicated; my legs don’t work right and yet, somehow, I step over the sleeping dog lying on the floor next to me and make it over to the sliding glass door. From this vantage point, I see that not only one bright light is fluttering and swooping outside in the darkness above the backyard, but more are starting to come from the same spot in the sky. Suddenly, but without fear, I realize that this may relate to what I’d been reading before I fell asleep, that I am “seeing” as the seers see. With that thought I wonder if I’m out-of-body. I recall what I’d just read, that when one can tolerate seeing one’s body lying asleep then one is truly “seeing and “dreaming.” I decide that I’ll turn and see if my body is lying in bed, as don Juan suggested, reminding myself not to be frightened if I see my body lying there, because I don’t want to snap back into it.

I am still feeling very clumsy and think that normally I’d turn slightly and glance over my right shoulder, but that doesn’t feel right in the state I’m in. As soon as I think that thought, I feel myself swing effortlessly around, counterclockwise, in a sweeping 360 degree turn, though I don’t actually move; only my “seeing” moves, as if my eyes can see in all directions. Halfway around, I quickly take in the darkness of the room, that the covers are pulled up, and I see my legs and Chuck’s sleeping form under the blankets, but the top of the bed is in such darkness that I cannot see our heads. When I finish the turn, when I finish seeing the room, I am facing right back out toward the deck and the yard again. I sense my “body” flattened against the sliding door, as if I’m but a thin sheet of cellophane stuck to it.

At that moment, I realize that I’m in my “double,” that I am indeed “dreaming,” and as soon as that thought crosses my awareness the first light-being flies right up to the deck and dances before me. A large egg-shaped luminous creature, about ten or twelve inches in length, it comes right up to the window. Flitting about, it twirls and loops in front of me and, as it begins to fly off to the right, I am struck by how similar it appears to the way I have always perceived Jeanne’s energy, a luminous being with white wings and body, butterfly-like more than firefly-like. As soon as I have that thought, the being flies back in front of me and seems to show me that, yes, it is exactly Jeanne’s energy. It pirouettes before me, flutters its wings and seems to laugh with delight, happy that I’m now perceiving it correctly. I feel its energy, so alive and so vibrant.

As I watch this show taking place, I blink repeatedly, constantly trying to clear my vision so that I don’t miss anything. My mind, however, is still trying to place what I’m seeing, to make sense of what these creatures might be. I have one final thought that perhaps they are luna moths, and just as I settle on that idea, I let it go and pay greater attention to what is happening outside the window. I see the light-beings still coming towards me, pouring out of the same point on the horizon behind the trees, their fat bellies luminously glowing, getting brighter and brighter and bigger and bigger, as they bounce through the air, swooping and dancing towards me.

I stand and watch this beautiful show for a long time, pressed up against the window, blinking and taking in, with a sense of wonder, delight, and amazement, the absolutely serene silent beauty of these creatures, these luminous beings, as they dance and float before me. I’m able to turn and “see” the show to the right and to the left, as well as straight ahead, without actually turning. I’m simply able to “see” in all directions.

As the show continues, I’m fully aware that I’m being given a gift of not only “seeing” and “dreaming,” but also of interpreting energy, that these creatures are showing me what energy looks like, and somehow I understand this. I know that I look like that too, that we are all luminous egg-shaped beings. I know that we are all full of such vigor, potent with energy, that we are energy, that we are incredibly luminescent. I know that we are all magical beings.

I don’t know how long I actually stand there pressed against the window, but somehow I get back into my body, though I don’t remember actually traveling back over to the bed. The next thing I do know is that I wake up, still feeling that drowsy soporific heaviness and I write down in my journal a cryptic description of what I’ve just experienced, not wanting to forget it, but already knowing that I’ll never forget it.

The next morning, the experience remained as fresh and real as it had been the night before. I puzzled over what had actually happened, my mind conjuring up the idea of luna moths again, wanting to settle on some rational explanation for what I’d experienced, but I knew those were not creatures of this world. I still held the truer feeling of having experienced pure energy, coming in a form I could handle, and that truth and that energy has lasted to this day.

This was a turning point. I’ve never doubted what I “saw” and what I felt. My awareness was totally intact, my thoughts were mine; I was always me throughout the entire episode. I truly believe that I received something energetically from those luminous beings during this experience, that I was invited into experiencing my own boundless energy body. I can truthfully say that since that night my personal energy, my physical energy has remained steadily vibrant and glowing. My fears have vanished and I am no longer holding back. This is the world I have worked so hard to enter and I know that I can’t turn back. I can no longer experience or interpret reality in the old way. I humbly report that I learned to “see.”

Try some dreaming. Might I recommend reading a little Castaneda beforehand, or a little Buhlman, then set unbending intent, go to sleep, and see what happens?

Until next week, I send love and energy,
Jan

NOTE: Books and authors mentioned in this essay can be found in our Store.

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: The Twelfth Step—Feminine Energy

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On November 4, 2009, I wrote in my journal during the night: I wake up in a dream in heightened sexual arousal, having an orgasm. Oh, yes, I am dreaming and having an orgasm in my dream, so I go with it knowing that it is my own sexual energy that is aroused and activated in orgasm.

Each night for several weeks last fall, I asked to be connected with the women seers of don Juan’s line of sorcerers and each night I was taken on an adventure or given some experience, perspective, or knowledge. It began as a process in learning how to set unbending intent, to detach from the outcome, and to be totally open to what arrived. It grew into something much more than that as the nights unfolded. In this final night of dreaming with the women seers I was able to tap into my feminine energy. On the night before, I was in a heightened state of utter calm, encased in all-knowing awareness. As I wrote about last week in this blog, I believe this step of utter calm was only achievable because I had worked through the previous ten steps and understood the meaning of doing deep inner work, such as recapitulation. With that being said, I believe this final step was also achievable only because I had been able to access that place of utter calm knowing through the process of accepting and acquiescing to the journey I had taken in the past and by remaining open to the possibilities of the journey still to come.

Preceding this dream of orgasm and feminine energy, I had been practicing what I call the feminine energy breath as taught to Taisha by Clara.* This breathing entails inhaling in through the vagina up the back of the body to a point between the shoulder blades, holding it there, then continuing to inhale up the neck and over the top of the head to the third eye, and holding it there before releasing the breath down the face, over the front of the body and drawing it back into the vagina. I had been doing this breathing pattern three or four times during my morning yoga and shamanic practice, and during the day whenever I thought about it, for several weeks. The day before this dreaming episode I had done it pretty much throughout the entire day.

It felt so appropriate that I should have this dream of tapping into sexual energy at this point. I had, as I mentioned, gone into this dreaming process with the women seers with the intent to learn something from them and I felt that I had really worked through and processed everything they taught me. I trusted, quite innocently, that by setting my intent each night my call for guidance would be answered. Apparently, I was ready for this final step: to tap into and feel not only sexual feminine energy, but what I can only describe as being an all-encompassing energy, what the yogis call kundalini, as it rode up and spread like fire throughout my entire body. I knew however that it totally belonged to and came from within me, that it had nothing to do with another person, that it was my own energy on fire, so to speak; that it was real, accessible, and totally enjoyably present inside me. I just had to access it to discover the reality of it.

When I woke up out of the dream I knew that it was not something that only women could experience, but that every one of us, men and women, have this energy inside of us waiting to be accessed and experienced in this whole body release. And yes, it is feminine. That to me is the most interesting part of this final step. I fully understood that it was feminine in nature, but not limited to women. I was aware of the underlying psychodynamic of the masculine and feminine energy balance inside each of us and that we must learn to access both aspects of this energy, that they are present for very different reasons, and if we do not allow ourselves to tap into each one of them we will not be whole, either as human beings or as energy beings.

Throughout this twelve-step dreaming process I was aware of the presence of Jeanne’s energy alongside that of the women seers. I felt her presence, hovering in the background. Perhaps she was there as a mentor or protector, I am not sure, but her energy was present and distinctly different from that of the other energy I met with. All of that energy also felt distinctly feminine. How I knew this I am at a loss to explain, I just knew it was the energy of women.

As I finish writing about this process of dreaming with the women seers I am most struck by the unfolding of it. From the moment of first setting the intent, to being completely open and allowing myself to stay present in each dreaming event, I learned that everything is possible. I learned what it means to fully trust the experiential. It was a magical process in many ways, sometimes fleeting and difficult to grasp, other times very clear and concise, but definitely, experientially, as real as it gets.

Until next week, keep breathing and dreaming. And don’t forget that setting intent really does work. If you wish, feel free to write about your own dreaming experiences in the comment section below.

Love,
Jan

* NOTE: The breathing I mention is described on pages 45-46 in The Sorcerer’s Crossing by Taisha Abelar, available in our STORE under Shamanism.

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Dreaming the Eleventh Step—Inner Calm Knowing

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Rely on the self
the inner knowing.

The above was written in the middle of the night of November 3, 2009 when I was dreaming with the women seers of don Juan’s generation. This is what I wrote in my journal upon awakening the next morning: I was in a place of incredibly balanced calm where I totally understood, intuitively, what inner knowing meant. I was tapping into it and thoroughly enjoying the peacefulness of it. It was a struggle to write down what I was feeling, and what I should have written was lost because I took a long time to alert myself to the fact that I should write it down. Instead, I wrote the above, knowing full well that it did not capture the experience I was having nor the greater meaning of it. The feelings I was experiencing encompassed compassion, detachment, balance, utter calm and complete knowing — a total knowing with access to all knowledge, including the state I was in at the moment. I was able to stay in that state of utterness, of knowing with access to greater knowledge, simply because I could access inner calm. It is a place I want to stay in. It appears to be quite accessible, and I can get there by intent. Once there, all mysteries dissolve; everything is clearly known. (End of journal entry.)

I had channeled ten elements of a shamanic practice and when I wondered if there would be an eleventh I went into this calm inner world, which I believe was showing me what is achievable if the ten steps of shamanic awareness are practiced. I do not think I could have so easily reached this place of utter calm knowing if I had not learned and thoroughly processed the preceding ten steps. Furthermore, had I not done a pretty thorough recapitulation, I would not have been able to truly take in and assimilate those steps either because, as it turns out, they are all very pragmatic steps of the recapitulation process.

When I began my recapitulation nine years ago, I did not have any steps to follow, per se, but followed my own process as it unfolded, day by day, seeing where my body took me, what triggers arose, what synchronicities, dreams and experiences appeared to guide me, and what came to pull me back into my past. That was the process of recapitulation as I undertook it, guided by Chuck in this world and Jeanne in her world. It lasted for three full years and, in fact, to be truthful, it did not begin with the word recapitulation even being spoken, until I was deeply into the process.

The process unfolded as I learned to flow with it, and, as Chuck began to introduce me to the shamanic world, it became very clear that we were fully immersed in a recapitulation process. I say “we” because, although I alone took the journey, I was fully supported by Chuck and Jeanne, by their knowledge of the shamanic and spiritual experiences I was having. As I allowed myself to go deeper and deeper into experiences from childhood that had been completely blocked the recapitulation took on a life of its own, showing me how to gain access to all parts of myself, spiritual, physical, mental and emotional, through memories, dreams, flashbacks, visions, and experiences in this reality, in the past, and in other worlds.

A thorough recapitulation leads to wholeness, to integration of all aspects of self, and that leads to the place of utter calmness that I experienced in dreaming with the women seers that night. I longed to stay there, but eventually I woke up and had to leave it, but only for the moment. I knew I had that place of calmness inside me. I am never far from it; I just have to go there.

Next week, I will write about the twelfth and final step in developing a shamanic practice that I learning in my dreaming with the women seers.

Until then, keep dreaming, keep setting intent, and keep recapitulating!
Love,
Jan

NOTE: The day after I had this experience I posed a question to Jeanne in the channeling blog regarding it, which I link to here. She, in turn, offered the first of three steps in learning detachment, in an evolutionary sense.

Chuck's Blog

#689 Chuck’s Place: The Ego Ideal & The Veil of Self-importance

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Over one hundred years ago, Sigmund Freud introduced the concept of the superego, an internalized component of the human personality, the product of socialization, which both judges and tells us what we ought to be. This what-we-ought-to-be component has become known as the ego ideal, the ideal image of the self that we expect ourselves to become. Our ego ideal dictates our notion of success: what our bodies should look like, what our skills and abilities should be, how others should view us, what level of education we should have, what kinds of relationships we should be in, how many worldly goods we should accumulate, how well we should be able to meditate, etc.

How well we do at actualizing our ego ideal becomes the basis of our sense of self-worth. Our judgment of personal success or failure rides upon how well our actual life “measures up” to our idealized expectation. If we are “on course” we “feel good.” If we don’t “measure up” we may judge ourselves to be “failures,” sentencing ourselves to an emotional state of deflation, experienced as depression. Alternatively, we might inflate our ego, assuming the persona, or mask, of our ego ideal. In fact, our ego might be capable of truly convincing itself and others that this is, indeed, its true identity. This might result in grandiosity, or attempting deeds way beyond one’s true ability. This is when we can expect dreams warning us of falling off a steep precipice or being in a plane crash, etc., all signs of the dangers of inflation.

In the psychiatric diagnostic world this dilemma of ego inflation and deflation, with its possible swings, is described in variations of bipolar disorder. Psychoanalytic resolution of the ego/ego ideal relationship ultimately rests upon an acceptance of ourselves as we truly are, for what we are truly capable of, which may only in part, or not at all, reflect the internalized ego ideal. Successful treatment would result in a more realistic modification of the ego ideal to fit the ego’s true capacities. Nonetheless, even with this modified self-judgment we continue to live in an internalized paradigm fixated on self.

The seers of ancient Mexico would definitely concur with Freud about the profound impact of socialization upon our perception and interpretation of ourselves and our world. For these seers, our awareness is staunchly fixated upon the self, causing all our available energy to be monopolized by self-importance, whether it be in the form of self-worth, self-esteem, or self-pity. For these seers this fixation of awareness on the self creates veils, which narrow our ability to perceive and experience all there is to see, for instance, a world of energy, the true nature of reality. For these seers, most human beings live and die in a world of self-obsession that shuts us out from reaching our true potential. That potential is not measured as some form of a socialized ego ideal. That potential is simply the freedom to perceive, unencumbered by the self, which spends all its energy worrying about how well it is doing, or what it is entitled to.

These seers discovered that the number one key to unlocking the true potential of the self, to discover total freedom, is to embrace an enduring practice of suspending judgment. This orientation asks that we seek always to know the truth, without any consideration of the value of the self for its performance. For instance, if I made a decision, took an action, that resulted in an undesired outcome, my goal would be to examine the full truth of that process with a detached curiosity and quest for understanding. I might discover that I had forgotten some important detail or acted hastily, causing the “failure.” However, the “failure” would not extend to myself as some kind of measure of my worth or as something for me to feel bad about. This does not negate the absolute examination of my level of competence and how that might inform me in future actions, but it, in no way, is attached to my value or level of self-importance.

For these seers this is the critical point: to avoid constructing a definition of self based on competence and performance. These seers indeed seek to be impeccable in all of their actions; however, they attach no significance in terms of self-worth to the outcome of those actions other than knowing the truth of them. They seek to totally eradicate the self; the self too is a veil blocking total freedom. To eradicate the self, from the seers’ point of view, means freeing the self of the encumbrance of self-importance, becoming a being free to perceive what is. In this manner they accrue valuable energy for expanded perception, rather than spend it on the construction of the self, with its all-consuming self-importance. In the process of constantly shooing away self-importance, we are in fact working on the ego, which becomes a tool to actualize our true potential. This is one reason why the seers place so much value on the petty tyrants in our lives. Petty tyrants are beings who challenge our attachment to our self-importance to the max, and offer us the opportunity to arrive at the ability to laugh at ourselves, rather than get caught in the clutches of victimhood or the fixation of self-pity.

For the seers of ancient Mexico, if we never “achieve” anything in this world other than the ability to suspend judgment, we have indeed achieved the most important thing there is to achieve in this world. Suspending judgement allows us to break the fixation of self-importance, dismantling Freud’s ego ideal, which opens the gateway to expanded knowing and infinite possibility.

If you wish to correspond, please feel free to post a comment below.

Until we meet again,
Chuck

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Take Action

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Take action knowing that it is your move.
No one else is present in your life to take action or move for you.
Everything depends on you.
Do not look to others to resolve your dilemmas.
Your life is totally up to you and your actions.
Take action.

This is the tenth step in learning a shamanic practice, a practice that is pragmatic and helpful in learning to evolve, to keep going, to grow and to change, but also to learn to live in more than just this fixed and rational reality. I wrote the above in the middle of the night of November 2, 2009, after intending again to connect and dream with the women of don Juan’s generation of seers.

A shamanic practice revolves around becoming totally responsible for the self, for the past self and the future self, as well as for the self who strives for each moment to be one of awareness. As I have been relaying these shamanic steps in my blog over the past few weeks, I have been struck each week by the relationship each step has to recapitulation, perhaps the most important step, according to the seers, in really electing to change and grow.

In doing recapitulation, in seeking to fully know the self, these steps that I learned from the women seers become more than just pointers, they become a way of life. Until one is in the process of learning about the deeper self these steps may simply come across as good ideas or thoughts that make sense in everyday life, but they blossom into true steps of growth when one begins the process of recapitulation with intent, with unbending intent. It is through experiencing each of these steps, through taking a personal journey into the darkness of the self, that these ideas ultimately make total, practical sense.

A recapitulation can take place through many means. One of them is to simply allow the self to go back into memories, to feel, see and experience them as if reliving them once again and then to go back again and again, going deeper and deeper each time. In looking from a different perspective each time, a personal experience may be revealed as it had actually happened rather than as it had been consciously remembered. When memories are revisited in a state of heightened awareness, new clarity and insight may be gained where before there may have been only vagueness or just a shadowy sense that something was not quite right, or there may have been no memory at all because it was effectively blocked by the psyche.

In memories, painful experiences may be replaced with less offensive stories. Safe or pleasant memories may be construed in order to alleviate the full force of the true and often brutal memories. In essence, selective memories can make us feel safe and okay, though they are not the whole truth. The truth often lies deeply hidden. In my own case, I was nagged by incessant feelings that something was wrong with me, but I was not able to fully access what that meant until I was ready and able to handle it.

Recapitulation, as Chuck mentioned in a recent blog, is a volitional action that happens when we are ready. Somewhere along our journeys, our psyche and our body determine that the time is now and prepares us for the moment. When we are thrown or drawn into recapitulation, some deeper part of us is ready, and it is asking us to shift.

In recapitulation, I did learn that I was totally responsible for everything about myself and that if I did not make a move to help myself then nothing would happen to change me or my life. And as I worked through what that meant, in light of where I was at the time and what I had to remember about my past, it empowered me, diminishing my reliance on others and my reliance on staying stuck in certain familiar modes, repeating the same habits and staying in a world that never changed. Although I considered that world to be rather safe, it was not until I was well into my recapitulation that I discovered that it was, in fact, a world of fear that I kept such control of by retreating, withdrawing and hiding, by making safe choices, so that I did not have to confront anything that made me afraid or uncomfortable. In spite of having lived a very full life in many ways, achieving a measure of success, I still had not resolved the inner dilemmas, of what was wrong with me, of why I felt so powerless and unsafe. What was I really afraid of?

So, I would have to say that I did not feel truly safe in this world until I had done a recapitulation of a world that lay hidden deeply inside me. It was purposely hidden so that I could grow up, maintain sanity, and mature into adulthood. I was protected from it long enough to prepare to return, when the time was right, and look with the eyes of an adult at what had happened to me in my past. In returning, I was afforded the opportunity to learn what it really means to take responsibility for the self, for the cards dealt, for the circumstances of life, and to regain the power that I had lost along the way. It took breaking many vows of silence, many pacts, and it also took facing the darkness within, the stuff that had followed me around for a long, long time, just waiting for me to return and remember what it was all about.

So, in the final lesson to “take action,” the women seers are also suggesting that it is our choice to evolve, to change, and to recapitulate too. We are all afforded many opportunities to practice such steps. We read our books and chant our mantras. We do our yoga and meditate ourselves into calmness, but until we really take action on our own behalf, and face our fears, we are just waiting for something or someone outside of us to change, when it is what is inside us that is asking for change. At least, that has been my experience.

Until next week,
Love,
Jan