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Chuck's Blog

#654 Chuck’s Place: The Heart of Romance: Solutio

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Welcome to Chuck’s Place, where Chuck Ketchel expresses his thoughts, insights, and experiences! Many of the shamanic and psychological terms used in Chuck’s essays are defined in Tools & Definitions on our Psychotherapy website.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, the day of ROMANCE! Romance is an innate, quick-acting solvent, capable of dissolving boundaries, with the promise of blissful union. Ultimately, romance engages us in a process of projection where we encounter both our inner blockages and ideals in the reflection of our beloved. The challenge in romance is to truly individuate, that is, to overcome our inner resistances and be available to love, versus seeking resolution through changes in our projected reflection in the other, for instance, trying to overcome a deep sense of unlovability through our lover’s convincing us that we are lovable, by their unrelenting, adoring attention, yet never truly believing this within, remaining compulsively bound to our lover’s reassurances.

We are all born from solution. Our bodies gradually coagulate and differentiate as we float blissfully in the ocean of the womb. Leaving the womb is hardly a blissful experience. Some have suggested that birth is indeed the primal trauma. Like the expulsion from the Garden, nature forcefully separates the babe from its creator. Our search for love as romance, throughout life, is our deep craving to recapture our primal oneness, wholeness with nature and creator.

The opus of the alchemists was to restore matter, the stone, to its prima materia, solution, the womb, where it could coagulate and be reborn as gold, wholeness. Our challenge in life is to discover and dissolve our hardnesses, our stones: our traumas, defenses, resistances, fears, that we might be reborn a unified whole, capable of true love.

Romance is the most powerful human solvent. In romance, all boundaries dissolve as we merge in magical oneness with our beloved. Most of the images of romance depict solution: champagne, wine, hot tubs, warm pools, clear lakes, waterfalls, ocean waves, warm sandy beaches, cruises, etc. These images of solution return the couple to their womblike origins as they are swept into blissful union. Or at least that’s the promise!

There are some drawbacks to this most desirable and rapid solvent, romance. The morning after often tends to not be so blissful. Aside from a potential hangover, the light of day and the differentiated clarity it offers can shed incredible doubt upon last night’s beloved. Nonetheless, the underlying drive for union is so great that romance eagerly and rapidly projects its golden glow upon yet an other, this time, hopefully, the right other. There is a vast pool of others, many fish in the sea, to project upon.

Often the chosen other reflects an old blockage, a stone in the heart, a frozen experience from the past where great expectation resulted in deep disappointment that shut down the heart. In this case, the golden lover, an obvious wrong choice to the eyes of objective friends or family, is the necessary mistake, the necessary obsession, an attempt to project, encounter and dissolve the old blockage, to once again allow love to flow. This strategy rarely succeeds, as union with this beloved other, in reality, is often most inappropriate, i.e., they are too old, too brutal, too immature, incapable of commitment, incapable of loving, etc. After many successive romantic failures we might, through a depression, be ready to turn inward and begin the opus of dissolution of the stone at its source, within the heart, in the process of recapitulation and individuation. Despite its promise, romance cannot supply a quick fix for necessary deep inner work.

The other major concern with solutio is drowning. The difference between finally being able to cry, to grieve over a loss and break down a long held blockage versus drowning in a pool of tears protesting birth and change, is the difference between floating in preparation for rebirth and clinging to and drowning in the womb, seeking wholeness only in primal unconscious union and oblivion. This is the difference between the child finding nurturance in new life versus the child clinging to the placenta, union through conscious individuation versus unconscious union. The object of the opus is rebirth, to dissolve and resolve, to be born anew, whole. This is the birth that includes consciousness, separateness, and the ability to be whole as separate, to drop separate boundaries and unite with another, yet be able to return to “separateness in wholeness.” Isn’t this the ultimate romance, love without possession, love without clinging; partners, separate and whole, together on a journey?

And so, Happy Valentine’s Day. Whether it be a time of hope with a New Valentine or a time of rebirth with an Old Valentine, just remember to find the greatest love of all, inside of me!

If you wish to correspond, please feel free to post a comment below.

Until we meet again,
Chuck

Chuck's Blog

#646 Chuck’s Place: Extraversion, Codependency or Projection?

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Welcome to Chuck’s Place, where Chuck Ketchel expresses his thoughts, insights, and experiences! Many of the shamanic and psychological terms used in Chuck’s essays are defined in Tools & Definitions on our Psychotherapy website.

Extraversion, codependency and projection all share a common quality: orientation of self to something outside the self. If I find myself dominated by something outside of me it’s important to find out why. Is it normal? Is it a problem? Or is it the basis of a new discovery about myself?

One of Carl Jung’s most enduring contributions to mainstream psychology was his differentiation of personality types illustrated in the well-known Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test. Jung first identified that all individuals fall into one of two major attitudinal orientations: introversion or extraversion. Introverts consider first their internal viewpoint; extraverts consider first the external situation and how best to fit into it. Each of these attitudes is normal and apparently biologically assigned, each having their unique adaptive value, hence, each contributing to the evolution and survival of the species. For example, the extravert might act quickly and concisely, the introvert more deliberately or hesitantly. Depending on the circumstances one or the other attitude may be the better choice.

Jung pointed to the value of each of these attitudes in nature and stated that although all individuals were born with a dominance of one or the other, either introversion or extraversion, they carried the recessive trait of the non-dominant attitude, which is a necessary part of life. For instance, a dominant introvert must access their extraversion in order to navigate the outside world. Similarly, a dominant extravert must access their introversion to be in touch with their personal needs.

People who by nature are extraverts can be judged to be codependent. This mistaken classification might originate in a negative judgment toward extraversion, as an attitude that negates the needs of the self. But how could the world function if at least half of its population didn’t focus on the true conditions outside the self and act in a way to accommodate them? Extraversion is a normal, vital attitude; part of nature, evolution, survival and fulfillment.

Codependency can be seen as a forced extreme extraversion. The condition of codependency was first identified in the alcoholism field to describe the emotional, cognitive and behavioral impact of living with a dysfunctional person, such as an alcoholic, addict, or violent rageaholic. The codependent is forced, for survival reasons, to orient themselves to the needs, expectations, and demands of the dysfunctional person. Over time, this mode of functioning becomes so deeply entrenched that the codependent may disconnect from their true identity as they morph into a being focused on placating the controlling tyrant. Codependency becomes a dysfunction itself, as this entrenched pattern of behavior may be repeated in future relationships. Overcoming codependency requires detaching from extreme extraversion, i.e., taking into consideration the needs of the self as well as determining one’s true type. The codependent might in fact be an introvert who has lived a life alien to their true nature. If the codependent is truly an extravert the work becomes one of tempering the extraversion with a deeper appreciation of the self.

Another of Jung’s major contributions to psychology was his unique take on the dynamic of projection. Jung realized that the unconscious psyche literally projects parts of itself, unknown to the ego, onto others outside the self, to reflect back to the ego, like a mirror, the true inner self. If the ego can recognize the reflection as a part of itself, it can take conscious ownership of this unknown quality and take up the challenge of integrating it into the personality where it can find life in a way compatible with the rest of the personality. However, if the ego does not recognize its reflection, whether because it finds it too distasteful, disagreeable, frightening, or attractive, it becomes compulsively attached to the bearer of its reflection. The psyche requires this. The rule is: one way or the other we must stay connected to all of the parts of ourselves. Either we struggle with the painful task of recognizing, accepting, and integrating all our parts or we remain compulsively bound to others who reflect and bear our disavowed parts.

This dynamic might also be mistakenly identified as codependency, as the dominant attitude that emerges when one is compulsively bound to another is another form of forced extraversion. Whether we love or hate the person who bears our disowned or unknown part we cannot withdraw our attention and focus from them; we orient our life in relation to them. The true basis for this apparent extraversion, or codependency, is actually a projection that confounds the ability to separate or detach from a person clearly “not right for them.” The dysfunctional other, whom we cannot separate from, is housing a part of ourselves, which, for better or worse, we must reckon with or remain helplessly tied to, as we live out our wholeness in projected form.

Who are you? Remember, extraversion in and of itself is healthy, normal, vital, and dominant in half of the world population. Just as that half needs to nurture its inferior introversion, the other half needs to nurture its inferior extraversion. However, extraversion can be called upon and driven to extremes in circumstances that give rise to codependency, as well as when a part of the self is unknowingly lost in another. Only deep reflection upon inner truth and outer attachments can clarify who you are and what is in control: extraversion, codependency or projection, or perhaps a combination.

As always, should anyone wish to write, I can be reached at: chuck@riverwalkerpress.com or feel free to post a comment.

Until we meet again,
Chuck

Messages from Jeanne

#643 Working with Mirrors

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Jeanne Marie Ketchel
Channeled by Jan Ketchel

Dear Jeanne,
Do you have a message for us today?

Seek your balance within. When I suggest working with mirrors, I infer that you are looking at your self in reflection. The first step to consider is to give a vote of thanks to those who offer you the reflections in your life. And remember, everyone in your life is a mirror. Those thanks must be purely extended, without blame and attachment, simply stated. You must achieve the inner knowing that will allow you to release those who pose in your mirror and freely accept the lessons of self they present.

Are your mirrors facing you squarely? Are they turning and walking away? Are they stubbornly turning their eyes away or their backs on you? Are they smashed by you, or another, shattered in bits and pieces, for you no longer wish to be presented with what they show you about the self?

In inner work the most important step is understanding the true meaning of the people in your life. The true meaning may not be to your liking, but until you are ready to accept the aspects of self they represent your mirrors will continue to test you.

Today’s inner work will require much outer work, for that is the energy that is appearing to teach you now. Ask the self to look in the mirror from a new perspective. Ask the self to suspend all judgments regarding the mirror image. Ask the self to be gentle and fair, knowing full well that everyone struggles as deeply as you do, though neither you nor the other may be aware of just how deeply, for all approach issues of deep pain, sorrow, and fear in many ways.

Your trick to play on the self today is to ask the self to pretend to be another, to look closely at this other as you peer into the mirror. You have been missing something about this other self. You are not seeing what others see. What is it you are not noticing?

Be gentle, non-judgmental, and fair as you look at this other self. Step out of your body momentarily and take a good look. You will hear a word or phrase that describes what you see and feel as you quietly and lovingly take in the person you see. Look with loving compassion on the other self today and give your self a gift. Ask the self for no more trickery, no more pretend. “Let’s be real in all aspects of life. Let’s be together on this journey, neither for or against the self or others, but journeying companions.” Kiss the face in the mirror. Wrap your arms around the person you see. Merge the two selves a little bit more today and, with a truthful pact, begin the next step in your process of growth and change.

It is good energy for change. Look for it in your life. Even though you may not find it there, it truly is present. Tilt the mirror slightly for that new perspective on the self. That’s all you need in order to find the catalyst. Accept your truth of self and take the next step with it firmly, truthfully in your grasp, and work it.

Messages from Jeanne

#640 You Do Not Need Mirrors Now

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Jeanne Marie Ketchel
Channeled by Jan Ketchel

Today we have a question from a reader asking for guidance around a relationship issue that Jeanne had previously addressed in Message #586 Why Must You Return to Your Cage?

Hello again Dear Jeanne and Jan,
Several months ago, when I was still in relationship with my “soul twin” male partner, I wrote to you. I was in a state of confusion and anxiety about whether to continue being in a sexual relationship with him because for 2 years it had been triggering trauma and an aversion reaction linked to sexual violation and abandonment by my father when I was a child and teenager. I couldn’t bear it any longer and wanted to know if I should just end it and stop trying to have sex with men, because it just seemed to re-create the same awful cycle, ending every time with my aversion, revulsion, rejecting them or myself and then pushing them away.

In response to my inquiry you had written, through Jan, that I needed to go back into my cage once more, and that R was like a mirror that reflected back to me all the parts of myself that I did not want to see, the darkness, and that before I could spread my wings and fly away to be free, I had to hunker down and do the deep inner work and face my self in that cage.

I feel like R and I had made a soul contract previously, to come together to do this stretch of intensified work together over the last 2 years. We triggered each other’s early child wounds so perfectly and kept them activated, accelerating our movement forward, the pain motivating us both to keep working until it came to a point where it couldn’t continue. I didn’t exactly understand what you meant when you wrote to me. But then R suddenly, and with non-negotiable finality, ended our relationship, gathered up his remaining belongings and was gone for good within 10 minutes. He soon after that announced that he was going away for 6 months. I went into such a deep and scary journey, meeting so many personal deaths, feeling like a limb was cut off, and it sent me into places inside myself that I don’t think I’ve even more than scratched the surface of before. Layers of the bands of armoring around the excruciating pain of my inability to access my love for my father because of the hurt and betrayal and therefore my inability to really love the men in my life, the unwillingness to really love them, under the anxiety. There is such a narcissistic sense of entitlement around expecting men to make up for what my father didn’t do for me. I only want the man to meet my needs and I don’t really care about the man’s needs. In fact I resent and am angered and disgusted by the needs of the man. I have sex with men as a way to ensure that I get taken care of and not abandoned, which of course does not work. It simply perpetuates what happened with my dad over and over. In conclusion, I realize that I am still in a pre-oedipal moving into oedipal stage of my sexual development. I get that. I’m 55 and going on 6. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be ready to have adult sex in this lifetime.

On the other hand, being a Libran, I truly long to learn how to really love and be in a healthy relationship. I love companionship, I love affection, I love communication, and I love romance above all, if it’s with a man that I am attracted to, energetically and heart-wise. Even though I felt disemboweled, like my intestines were dropping out, like I was liquefying inside when it ended with R and he announced that he was going away for so long (the perfect re-creation of my abandonment issue with my dad), on another level, I felt that I had dug my way further to China than I ever had before in terms of getting closer to accessing the original love I had for my dad under all the negativity I project out onto him and the men in my life. I feel that somehow I have gotten closer to the possibility of learning to really love and want to meet the needs of a man, more than ever before. I feel hopeful, though more alone than ever before, my worst nightmare.

I pray every morning to you, Jeanne, and your soul group to stay close to me and whisper into my ear what I need to hear so that I will remember that I am energy moving forward into infinity.
My question Jeanne is, did I meet my self fully in the cage, in that reflection that R held for me? Is there anything else I am not seeing, any shadows that I am avoiding? I want to go for the “Full Monty” while I am catapulting through this accelerated growth period. Am I completed with R? It feels like it. I want to learn to love. I want to stop hating men, stop refusing to see and respond to their needs, and stop just using them for meeting my own needs, like a selfish child. I want to become an adult.

Thanks for listening. Please communicate if there is anything you can tell me that I need to do for completion re: what you said about the time in “the Cage ” with myself.
Soul Trecker, returning from the outer inner galaxies

My Dearest One, I feel your pain and see you in the shadows of your inner self, still searching for that which you lost. To refer to your self in the cage, looking into the mirror, as presented by this man in your life, is but Stage One of your progress. To understand that he was offering you the gateway to your inner work and to allow him to stay present in your life through much turmoil was quite a feat. That he has removed himself from your cage is a definite sign that you do not need him anymore. He has shown you what you need to know about the self and where your inner work lies. Do not regret your companionship with this man, for he has been your greatest ally, though now you must go deeper, and this deeper work must be done alone.

For all intents and purposes, yes, you are done with your relationship with R, but it might not be under the terms that you perceive. You are done because, as I said, he no longer offers you anything new, simply a replaying of the old scenarios, the old behaviors and emotions that will remain in stagnant rehearsal until a shift is achieved. By his removal he offers you this gift of shift. It is not time to look outward for new companionship, but only to look inward for companionship with self that will lead you to self-compassion, self-love, and self-truth.

I do not ask you to forgive or to simply move on, but I suggest that, in order to truly resolve your deep issues of rejection, abandonment, and desire for completion, the only place to look now is deeper inside the self. You do not need mirrors now, My Dear Soul Trecker. Your mirrors are but pictures pasted upon a wall now, the same pictures you have seen for many years. It is right for your companion to leave you to your inner work, and it is right for you to turn your head under your wing and find out what else lies waiting inside you.

Your resolve to grow and your prayers for wholeness do not go unheard. Your first step each day must be to turn to the self and trust that you carry within all that you need. Your habitual looks outward must turn continually inward as you ask your self to show you where to go next. What do I still need to learn about myself? What is it that I have not truly resolved yet? If I cannot find true happiness, contentment, and peace within myself, I will not find it outside of myself either, so what is it that I am missing? Indeed, that is the question that must be presented to the self.

Do not doubt that you are on a journey of evolutionary growth. Do not pause upon questions of doubt regarding your place of growth, relationship, companionship, or the possibilities of intimacy in the future. At this point, such conjecture is not appropriate, for the future has many possibilities, as yet unseen, and you have not completed enough steps of the inner work to be shown those future steps yet.

I do not mean to discourage you, but to offer you the true insight that you must always carry within: Everything is Possible! I suggest that you admonish your self, quite harshly, for bemoaning your fate; that you become the appropriate adult director of your life’s learning journey; that, although you may not feel mature in relationship, you are fully adult and have within the necessary maternal/paternal tools to parent your self. Do not ever doubt your abilities or your journey. You are fully taking the journey you subscribed to, that you found necessary to take, and that you must take in order to free your self of having to repeat it, both in this life and in the next, for that is always a possibility too.

Reconfirm your commitment to SELF. This is your greatest challenge, My Dear: YOU! There is no other person upon that earth to look for or hope for at this point. You must embrace your aloneness, love your self in your aloneness, and nurture and parent your self through your alone time, as you have never done before.

When your partner left the sanctity of your cage he left the door open, but this does not symbolize a time of flight for you. It symbolizes a time of openness to outer energy that will find its way to you, presenting you with what you need, as you continue your inner work.

You, your SELF, will know when the inner process is completely done in Stage One, so that you may begin the Second Stage of your evolution. You will know when you have finished with all that has so far controlled your feelings, emotions, and decisions. How will you know? You will change. You will think, feel, act, and choose differently. But most of all, you will look inwardly for your answers, and you will fully trust and know that your little bird heart has all the answers. You will no longer fear the self, as you do now.

In conclusion, I advise that you tidy your cage, not in anger at the loss of your companion, but only so that your inner work may be focused, balanced, and calmed by the presence of neatness and beauty all around you. It is time to clean house, to get rid of all that is non-essential, to simplify and find only that which is peaceful and perfect for you alone to have in your presence. Your cage must now reflect the changes thus far achieved in the inner you.

It is time to bring the new inner you outward. This will aid you in seeing your growth. It will no longer be a reflection of the other, but purely a representation of the inner other, the one you have been searching so diligently for. This is where you will find your new love, you know: inside the self.

Messages from Jeanne

#639 I am a Student on the Path of Life

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Jeanne Marie Ketchel
Channeled by Jan Ketchel

Dear Jeanne,
Do you have a message of guidance for us today?

Now, My Dear Ones, is a time of self-acceptance. For in reality, all of your inner work will be to no avail if you are not able to take yourself into your arms and begin with who you are, where you are, and why you are where you are now. You will grow further only by finally saying: Okay, this is who I am. I accept myself for this truth alone; that I am not prefect or whole; that I am not yet revealed, but that I am a student on the path of life. This I can accept about myself: I am a student on the path of life.

Give your self permission to be vulnerable, to be sad, to be joyous, to be free, if even for a moment in thought or wish, allowing the self to feel one small moment at a time. Give your self permission to look outward at the world around you in order to find your mirrors. And when you find the places that disturb you, the people, the situations, and ideas that bother you, look directly into them and ask the self: What do I see, feel, about this person, situation, or thing that disturbs me? What is it that I too must find in myself? I too am this.

This is how you must proceed each day, looking into the mirrors in your life, in whatever form they appear, and say: I too am this person, this thing, this idea, or this emotion that bothers me so much. I too must face within all that bothers me without in order to grow and heal.

Today is a good day to hold the self for a moment of acceptance. It is a good day to pledge a new outlook on the self and a new turn in the inner work. It is a good day to pledge fairness and openness, honesty and trust, gentleness and love for the vulnerable self who is just looking for answers, like everyone else. Allow your process to unfold. Look to the self for how that will happen. You hold all your own answers, but you have left so many of them projected on the world around you, your bits and pieces draped over the mirrors in your life.

It is time to take a look at the creations in your life, to straighten them up, to take back your bits and pieces and find the reason you left them outside of you for so long. Rediscover your inner self today. Go deeper.