We are very pleased to announce the publication of Volume 4 of The Recapitulation Diaries.
A book rich in psychological and shamanic content, Place of No Pity takes the reader in vivo into the experience of disentangling sexual abuse from one’s identity and true sense of self. Additional themes include familial relationships, mothers, fathers, detachment, dreams, and shamanic experiences, as well as the strange and fascinating course that recapitulation can take as it unfolds in everyday life. Intimate and revealing, Jan does not hold back but takes you into her life, her psyche, her dreams, and her deepest struggles. It is a powerful book, rich in offerings whether one is doing a recapitulation, helping someone through the turmoil of trauma, or simply interested in the workings of the psyche, the body, and the spirit.
As a friend who read it during its editing stage said to Jan, “As usual, you grab me with the first sentence!”
All of Jan’s books offer validation and insight to those who suffer, especially those who have been traumatized by childhood sexual abuse, but most importantly they document a process that has the potential to lead to a complete revamping of the self. For Jan this meant, in clinical terms, a complete healing from complex PTSD resulting from sixteen years of childhood sexual abuse.
Given the raw nature of the experiences described in her books, we advise caution, as the contents of the books can serve as triggers to memories or experiences that may not be consciously available. Perhaps this may be the time to read Jan’s books, but it may just as well not be appropriate at this time, so reader discretion advised. This is not a book for children and even adults must proceed with caution.
Published under our own imprint, Riverwalker Press, all of Jan’s books are available in both paperback and e-book format through Amazon. A complete list can be viewed on her author page, J. E. Ketchel. Please don’t hesitate to “look inside this book” on the Amazon pages.
Though we ask for nothing personally, if you feel so inclined as to write reviews of our books at Amazon you may directly impact the life of another being. We personally know that comments made by you, our readers, have indeed led people to find recapitulation after many years of searching for a means of healing from life’s deepest woundings. So, we thank you on behalf of the many who have benefited from your insight and reflection!
Jan shares an excerpt from her forthcoming book, The Place of No Pity:
“I don’t know. The whole idea of letting go just makes me hold tighter and I’m so afraid I haven’t completed everything on this side of the river yet. I don’t want to leave anything behind. I’m thorough that way.”
We laugh at that, but it’s no joke.
After the session I drive over to the studio. I told Chuck that I’d heard the words “true things happen” and that I like the idea of letting things happen so much better than letting go. “Let it happen” sounds so doable, a lot less stressful than “letting go.” To me, letting go implies that I am holding back and can’t let go, which is true, but it also implies that I am at fault, that I am to blame for not letting go. Let it happen, on the other hand, allows me to let myself be open, to acquiesce. Let go, inhibits by its very command and my reaction is: “Oh my God, I can’t! There must be something wrong with me! Why can’t I?” And I start thinking that I’m incapable and then I just tighten up. The phrases let it happen and true things happen are more soothing, allowing me to open, to be flowing, to go with the flow; all of which are much more positive, without a hint of blame, without some other voice making demands. Instead, I simply release and open to the possibilities. Or at least that is my intention! (End of excerpt.)
Looking out the back window… – Photo by Chuck Ketchel
How many times do we come to the conclusion: “I just have to let go!” But what is the technology of letting go? How do we actually let go?
The realization that one must let go derives from the growing awareness that much of life energy is exhausted by and preoccupied with what has happened in the past. One feels the impact of the unresolved past overshadowing and consuming the present as we obsess about what has happened, how it has impacted us, and how we handled it. Conclusions and fixations from the past define our sense of self, our self-esteem, and the limiting beliefs we are controlled by in everyday life. In effect, as the train of life moves into new territory we find ourselves staring out the back window of the last car, unable to be present for the uniqueness and possibility of unfolding time.
Clearly, the optimal seat on the train is the engineer’s—first car, front window, being fully present to the nuances of oncoming time. In practical terms, this means being mindfully present now. If I sit down to a meal and munch away but my mind is fully engaged in replaying a disturbing incident, I will surely not be present for the flavors and textures of the food, much less a conscious participant of the beginnings of digestion—slow and thorough chewing!
The decision to be present to what is truly occurring now, is a conscious decision to encounter now as it happens. This is at the heart of an existential attitude, to be fully engaged and present for what is happening in the moment, letting it happen by being fully open and present to the full experience of it.
The mechanics of this kind of mindful presence is to volitionally bring one’s attention and intent to the present moment, letting it happen with full participation. Of course, part of being fully present means also being fully present to all that is happening within oneself as one faces oncoming time. In the present moment one might feel a gripping tension in the throat, a holding back of breath, a tightness in the solar plexus, the bladder, and a clenching in the perineum. These energy centers, or chakras, are all revealing their present state of activation and various forms of protective defense. While acknowledging their collective state of anxiety, one is still free to choose to place one’s attention on the present moment, on what is happening, and engage it with conscious awareness.
If one is experiencing waves of terror within, one can still be available to interact with another being—still be fully present, still look the other in the eye, focus on their words, while also noticing one’s own feelings and impressions—in essence, to have the experience of a conscious encounter, no matter what is going on inside oneself.
The act of letting go in “letting it happen” is training awareness to release the stranglehold of the past, just enough to take in now, to be present in everyday life. It is not possible to be present if one does not let go, to some extent, of being completely consumed by the view from the back window. The trick here is to not dissociate from one’s past discomfort as it presents, but to “let it go” just enough to remain aware of the unfolding of present time as well. This is the act of remaining associated, open to the full inclusion of inner and outer experiences, as presented by the clash of the past with oncoming time. This is the kind of fuller awareness that opens doors to new possibilities and new perspectives, as one looks out the back window and the front window of the speeding train of life simultaneously.
Recapitulation, which Jan was in the midst of in the opening quote, requires a conscious choosing to “let it happen,” to acquiesce to what comes in the unfolding of one’s journey through life. “It” may be the full impact of a viscerally stored experience reaching way back in time, through the back window of the train, into early childhood history. However, by consciously choosing to remain present with the experience, one is simultaneously at the front of the train, viewing the experience from a much broadened perspective, a lifetime of experiences providing a lifetime of insights.
“Letting it happen” is the real technology of letting go. In this earth dimension, we are all treated to a reality of oncoming time all the time. To open fully and be present to oncoming time is our opportunity to exercise our freedom. When we exercise that freedom by choosing to be fully present, no matter what comes at us, we release ourselves from the tenets and limitations of the past. And, little by little, we take bold and definite steps toward opening to new and present experiences of life.
Letting it happen,
Chuck
Note: Volume 4 in the Recapitulation Diaries series, The Place of No Pity, is targeted for publication early next year.
What is real change? It may feel good to escape the heat of an uncomfortable situation, but that hardly guarantees we won’t be triggered again or that we won’t repeat the same fateful drama with a new cast of characters. The ego might try, with all of its cognitive might, to identify and rationally put to rest its fears and anxieties, but despite all its heroic intentions it might still find itself blindsided and seized by a passionate emotion of anger, terror, or attraction, or be swallowed up in a pool of sadness.
That white light of illumination… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
The simple truth is that the ego fortress alone, despite all its mighty defenses, is unlikely to permanently change or transform the deeper issues of the psyche housed in the depths of the unconscious and triggered by the outer circumstances of everyday life.
Permanent change is very simple to recognize: the person or situation that once triggered us, as measured by a strong activation of the central nervous system in powerful emotion, is now experienced as neutral; no activation of the central nervous system, no powerful emotion.
Energetically, we can say that the inner electrical charge of the triggering object has been completely depleted of its electrical charge. Psychically, we could say that the energy of the unconscious content behind the trigger has been transferred from the unconscious to the ego in the form of deep understanding, acceptance, and resolution. The ego becomes stronger, not in its defenses but more in its reduced need for defenses, the energy formerly spent in defenses now available for a more fulfilling experience of life.
The symbol that often emerges to represent this enlightened state of consciousness is white light, or whiteness in some form. This form of illuminated whiteness in spiritual terms is awareness that transcends maya, the veil of illusion that entraps us in the triggered situation, projected onto everyday life.
The bright light of whiteness lays bare all the truths, like the bright sun at its midday zenith. But this transformation also requires that the ego withstand the intense heat of both the blinding light of truth and the full heat of emotions that are sure to arise during any encounter with truth.
Rather than discharge that emotion in defensive spurts of blame and rage, the ego contains this cauldron of volatile emotion without action. As the truth is laid bare, the ego pours its deep well of tears into the cauldron as well, allowing both the heat of the fire and the dissolution of water to break down its intense attachment to the illusion it has held onto in an attempt to medicate itself from the full impact of the truth.
Finally, the fire of contained passion, the solution of sadness and depression, and the consciousness of the full reality of what is, eventuates in a genuine transformation. We are released into freedom from a formerly binding attachment. We can then stare into the truth of our lives with the detachment of reading a benign history book, no triggers, only genuine transformation.
Holding steady in the fire within… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
In her new book, to be published later this year, Jan offers an account of an experience of this cauldron of transformation, of bright white light followed by an intensity of emotions. She was at a family gathering, usually an emotionally triggering situation: “I feel myself move slightly, not my body, for my physical body remains stationary, but something inside me shifts and suddenly I see everything differently. One second I am my usual self, thinking my thoughts, and in the next second everything goes quiet. I go quiet too, utterly calm and still, and I see that everything and everyone is highlighted in white light. Crystal clear and luminous energy flows from everyone and everything. I am almost afraid to blink; I don’t want to disturb the beautiful, numinous vision. Then, just as suddenly, I am flooded with emotions. Feelings of sadness and loneliness envelop me…”
And that is followed by this: “…and then I know that it’s all true, that everything is true, that this experience in this moment is true and all I have recapitulated is true too.”
In the end, Jan states: “I was able to maintain a sense of continuity in the midst of the shift,” underscoring that the ego was ready to encounter what was being proposed as the means to transformation. Now that is real change!
Innocence, in its purest form, is an affect found in youth. The emotional energy of innocence is expressed as a feeling of excited anticipation and joyful response as a child discovers and befriends a welcoming, magical world.
Innocence, pure and open, receptive… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Adults melt at the glitter in the eye and the spontaneous burst of laughter as the child greets new life for the first time. The innocent child is yet to be fettered with judgment, rejection, fear, cynicism, and shame. The innocent child’s wonder is open, receptive, and trusting that the world is loving and equally receptive to being met and played with.
Most adults collude to uphold a protected magical world for the young child that screens out the reality of disease, old age, and death. Thus a child’s innocence is encouraged to develop and strengthen, as adults know the precious value of a child’s innocence despite their knowing also of its inevitable loss as the deeper truths of life eventually intrude on this early paradise.
The New Testament Bible states: “Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” (Mark 10:15)
This Biblical passage is abundantly clear: to restore oneself to the innocence of the child is the only key to entering heaven. If heaven is the destination after completion of our journeys in this world then innocence is the gold we must refine in this life to obtain entrance into our infinite journey.
Such a paradox this life! The child is born with the very innocence that life in this world will of necessity contaminate and yet, in order to progress, it must be retrieved and refined to the highest level to achieve the enlightenment to grow beyond this world.
Innocence, by design, is contaminated by the time and space parameters of this world. All whom the innocent child bonds with will eventually change, frustrate, disappoint, and die. This reality must eventuate in a loss of innocence as the child meets the dark side of life and then must submit to the adaptive armor against the pain of lost innocence and the inevitable longing it generates.
Finding balance in light and dark… – Photo by Chuck Ketchel
Herein lies our true mission in this life, to pick up the remnants of our lost innocence and meld them into a highly refined innocence capable of living in the true nature of reality, in both its light and its dark sides.
In our earthly existence, the dark side of reality is that everything changes, everything dies, nothing is forever in an unchanged form. Try as we might to hold back change through grasping onto our attachments, they will be ripped away. And further, grasping onto a refusal to be hurt again is really just another attempt at holding onto an unchanging self.
The longing of lost innocence, sequestered to the shadows of a closed heart, will not be silenced by suppression or repression for very long. Eventually, it will erupt in consciousness, in impulsive acts, or by pulling us downward into its torment via a depression that demands an inner journey of recapitulation to resolve.
That recapitulation journey requires us to relive the experiences of our lives that once jarred and fragmented our innocence, to willingly re-experience the painful encounters that sent our shamed younger selves running for sanctuary.
What is most required during the recapitulation journey is that our adult/ego/parent selves stay fully present as the full emotional torment of those encounters, along with the confusions and misconceptions that shroud the original innocence, are relived.
This process of receiving with open arms and heart the broken pieces of lost innocence by the adult self is the internal alchemical oven of transformation. Full acceptance of the full truth of one’s self releases innocence from judgment but also aids its maturation. The truth is, for innocence to really return to the living personality it must broaden to the dual nature of time space reality and expand its level of tolerance for disappointments, endings, and the unexpected.
For innocence to journey into the unfathomable it must be able to flow with what is. And what is sometimes hurts. Refined innocence is not naive to this possibility and in its wisdom will choose, when it can, what influences to open to and those to avoid.
Nonetheless though, a journeyer is always aware that to remain open to the full adventure of real life necessitates openness to being caught off guard as we enter the unknown. However, rather than fragment in encounters with the unexpected, refined innocence owns the resilience of non-attachment. That is, non-attachment to outcome, to being offended, to things always remaining known and unchanging.
With recapitulation comes the opportunity for mature melding… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
With non-attachment and full engagement, refined innocence leads from the place of awe and unreserved compassion for all engaged in the miracle of being. Yes, refined innocence is indeed the key to the Kingdom.
Ultimately, our stay in this world is really to graduate from the School of Refined Innocence. With this graduate degree we obtain the passport, the necessary readiness, to embark on new and deeper journeys in infinity.
In 2003, while in the process of a shamanic recapitulation, which I have written extensively about in my books as well as my blogs, I discovered something important. I knew that change would not happen, not even consciously-willed change, such as adopting new habits, if I didn’t completely rid myself of the root cause of my problems.
In recapitulation, we constantly reenter the center of who we are, facing our shadows and discovering our truths… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
As a practicing hypnotist I became well aware of this. A hypnotist cannot change anyone or anything. A hypnotist only makes suggestions as to how change may come about, but real change only comes from within. Too many times people look for a “quick fix,” but the truth is there are no quick fixes. Yes, there are plenty of techniques for achieving calmness and steadiness, techniques that provide relaxing effects, but longterm change requires patience and deep work on the self.
My discovery—that change can only happen if the root cause is eradicated—is not new, but when I discovered it for myself I felt as if I HAD discovered it. This is a phenomenon of deep inner work, as we tread into the territory of ancient knowledge where that which has not yet been revealed is revealed, as if for the very first time.
Anyone doing deep work has the opportunity to discover such phenomena, in a personally meaningful and pertinent way, making such experiences strikingly unique and helpful. Such phenomenal discoveries, if taken seriously and acted upon, have the possibility to become the great catalysts they portend to be, leading to real and lasting change.
During the recent Mercury Retrograde, which I know many people experienced in very potent ways, I entered the whirlwind of its energy too and barely had time to pause for breath. Confrontational circumstances arose repeatedly, old issues were revisited, changes occurred, and I was given the opportunity to discover a lot of things. How far have I really come? The lessons of this most recent Mercury retrograde were many. It was a good time for all of us to test what we’ve done with our lives and to perhaps discover that we really have changed and we will continue to change because we’re ready to do so.
In 2003, as I was recapitulating my childhood and discovering the root cause of all that plagued me then, Mercury was also retrograde, four times that year. For most of that year I simultaneously and repeatedly faced my deepest core issue: fear. I was afraid of everything, I discovered.
Like invasive vines, our core issues will not stop growing until we totally eradicate them! – Photo by Jan Ketchel
My challenge then was to face and release myself from the clutches of all-pervasive fear, completely eradicating it from my being, for I knew that to embrace any idea of change without that complete eradication was just a cover up, another avoidant behavior, many of which I was very skilled at. How could I truly change if I refused to change myself at the deepest level, if I continued to ignore that core issue? I knew that the intent to change, by itself, no matter how strong, wasn’t going to have any effect without complete and conscious eradication of what really controlled me.
I knew that eradication of the fear would also provide room for change. If I was no longer consumed by fear, I’d have energy for other things. To aid in that process, I envisioned making space inside my body. The absence of fear, I envisioned, would create enough room in my physical body to allow for the change I so desired. Until the fear was gone I was just pushing it around inside me, restocking it, re-encapsulating it in some other body part, not getting rid of it as I should. I also knew that if I continued that habit I would never be free of the pain that plagued my physical body.
Once I became aware of the reason for the fear, I could deal with it. At the time, I wondered: How can you tackle something you don’t know about? I knew I had to continue the deep work of recapitulation, the technique that was proving to be the answer to all my questions, if I was to discover the remaining mysteries of myself and my past. It was the path to knowing myself on the deepest level.
So, as I dove deeper into the recapitulation process and deeper into my inner world, my inner self, and my past, the deeper mysteries of who I was and what controlled me became very clear. At the time, I also knew that I had to find a new way to tackle the fear; not in the old way of holding it in and avoiding or running from it, but by facing it, getting the truth of it, and letting it release, without restriction, to flow out of my body once and for all.
It was the final stage of my shamanic recapitulation, to let go of everything that I held inside me, thinking that I needed it or that it served a purpose. I discovered that fear had no real purpose, it was just an old habit, and that it had a sneaky way of holding me back from fully living. Once I faced, resolved and released the many faces of fear, I advanced into a new reality and new life. In addition, the phenomenal discoveries that punctuated my deep inner work during my recapitulation have never ceased to visit, enlighten, and inspire me.
Everything comes in its own time; what we need and what we are ready for is revealed at the right time. I learned that during my recapitulation too; as difficult as many of my memories were to face, I truly was ready to confront and resolve them so that I could eradicate the fear that I had been bound in my entire life, that had me physically bound in pain and inertia. I discovered that fear was nothing more than a habit, that it only really existed because I was attached to it. Like worry, it was just another entity not worthy of my attention.
Eventually, we emerge, centered and happy… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Our core issues come to challenge us. What frightens or bothers us generally will show up during times of change, whether change that we instigate or change forced upon us.
As we change and move forward in life, we are able to look back with the kind of clarity that a Mercury Retrograde brings, along with its dizzying energy of confrontation and recapitulation, so that we can come out of it having moved along to a new level on our journeys. As we turn back to look at the distance we’ve come, we notice that we really have changed, perhaps in small ways, perhaps in greater ways, but changed we are nonetheless!
In support, Jan
NOTE: Chuck wrote about a similar process a few weeks ago in his blog entitled: Face, Feel & Absorb
We are very pleased to announce the publication of Volume 4 of The Recapitulation Diaries.
