A Reader asks a question.

Dear Jeanne,
I find myself plagued with indecisiveness. Which shirt to buy, which supplement to take, which healing modality to try, which house to buy… the list is endless. It keeps me up at night and keeps me from remaining present, focused and happy; not to mention it always turns into an obsession. And it seems whatever choice I end up making, is never exactly right.

Why does this happen, and more importantly, how can I stop it? It totally depletes me.

My Dear Reader, your choices in life should not, in truth, focus on the mundanities of that world, such as you describe, but do require the choice to remain aware of the differences between light and dark. Yes, that world does pull often with its enticements, everything from food and wines, to greedy opportunities of desires, wants, and supposed needs. But you must turn always your focus inward, and desire instead clarity and awareness. I think you will find that simplicity, and intent on remaining heart centered, are far better obsessions than attachments to the outer world.

I suggest that focus turn always inward when confronted with a choice. Is this proposition resonant with my growth as an evolutionary being? If focus remains on living a simple life, working on the inner world so that it may become completely revealed and known, so will the outer world, that reality you get so caught by, become clearer as well. Indecisiveness is the meandering between worlds, the path fogged over, the precipice where enticements linger, offering energy draining propositions.

As you say, you just end up “totally depleted” as you waffle and flounder in your mind’s confusion. Well, My Dear Reader, that tells me that your indecisiveness got your energy. You allowed it to take over. In your confusion and blurry thinking, did the presentations of the outer world take over, creating havoc, and stealing your energetic potential. I do admonish detachment from such thoughts, though I understand how this may, at times, seem an impossible task. But keep in mind, that if your mind is cluttered, obsessing and swirling with such busyness, so have you gotten caught in a place of nothingness, for those thoughts do not truly lead you anywhere. And that is what you must be aware of.

Am I wasting my energy thinking about this or that? What does it matter if I buy one shirt or another? Do I really need to spend my time on such trivia? If you are not working on your evolutionary potential, I fear that you are wasting your time.

I do not mean to be cruel or abrupt in my assessment of this obsession with things, and wasted energy spent on non-essentials because I do know that many things are necessary, and many things are simply pleasures that make life more enjoyable. But I do mean to constantly point out your path. And you, My Dear Reader, do get caught in your mind quite often. Far better to take off your head, as I like to say, and reside in your knowing heart center, that pragmatic and faithful companion, the inner self who knows all the answers. Remember that you seek to live a simple life. You seek to become innerly stable, and self-sustaining. You seek clarity of purpose, and awareness of how your energy gets used. If you get caught in obsessive indecisiveness, then must I clearly say, OOPS, you are caught again!

Take off your head, bury it a while, and return instead to your inner knowing that most likely what you have swirling around in your mind is but attachment to feeders and energy seekers.

Even the minutest of leaks may give you access to such depleters of energy, and that is what you must avoid. Protect your energy. You need it for you. You need it for your work.

All of you, My Dear Readers, must learn that taking off your head more often is quite a nice way to gain inner focus, awareness, and a deeper sense of the self as an energy being. If more of you could practice this phenomenon, the better you would be as a channel as well. It is the practice I suggest will work to aid you in connecting with your guides and your mentors in infinity, as well as with your inner self. The heart center is your point of communication, awareness, and knowing, not your head. So open up this spot in your physical body more often.

Give up your head, and remain focused on growing as a spiritual being, leading a simple life, making choices that are conducive to such a life but will also promote your inner potential. If your choices are made from your inner spot of calm resonance, so will they always be gratifying. And even if your choices are, as you say, “never exactly right,” so must I disagree with you there. For all choices, once made, are exactly right, and what you do next matters as well.

Continue your journey, knowing that you are offered much guidance, but you must ask for assistance, not from your busy mind, but instead from your place of inner calm knowing, leaving your head at the door of your busy life, and allowing your inner knowing to do your thinking for you.

I hope this helps you detach and flow more gently now. Your way is clear, though your eyes are not looking in the proper direction. Do not look outward, but do look inward. That is where you will find all the answers to your questions. Good Luck!

Today, Eva asks a question.

Hi Jeanne,
Several years ago, I lived in a very spiritual place called Santa Fe, New Mexico. I feel my journey towards awareness began there. It is where I first began to have memories of my abuse. I moved away about 8 years ago, and much has happened. Not a day goes by, that I do not long to be there, however, it just doesn’t feel like it is some place I should be living right now. Though, my longing to be there is incredibly deep.

My question is, where is this longing coming from? Is it from a place of truth, or a place of distraction? In some ways, I wonder if it interferes with my journey.

Thanks,
Eva

My Dearest Eva, in one sense is your awareness of Santa Fe as a spiritual place rooted in your ancient wisdom, your inner recognition of energetic connection, vibration, and resonance. But in another sense have you been drawn, by your spirit, to this place of magic for evolutionary purposes. Your longing stretches now beyond the physical spot to your own inner longing to recapitulate. You are aided in your search for meaning by your connection to and awareness of spiritual desire.

(A crow is CAW, CAW, CAWING in a tree outside the sliding door right now, VERY LOUDLY! … Now it moves off…. The crow of recapitulation?)

Your intensity of feelings regarding this prominent spot signifies your deep spirit, stirring already those many years ago, urging you to do your inner work. Your awakening must continue no matter where you live. Your recalling of past events must not be smothered by a greater longing to escape your present situation. For there is no escaping that which calls to be known, that which seeks your attention, and that which must be processed in the context of your greater life.

Your time now is within, and in your heart center do you carry still the knowledge of this beautiful spot in New Mexico that calls your name and stills your spirit. Yet does it also stir up memories of horror and confrontation with truth, devastating and abhorrent though they may be. Your place of calm resides inside you. You already received the gifts from this place, this Santa Fe. You received knowledge of its ancient wisdom and power, and its energetic force that seeks to jolt awake those who are truly alive and aware.

But many get caught in its magic, captivated by the ambience of its power. Yet do they not utilize it. I find that your truth spoke to you there, yet were you not allowed to stay and sink into the reverie of its somnambulant power. You were offered its gifts to carry forth with you, rather than become enthralled with their powers, and not have the catalyst needed to send you on your journey by sitting pretty upon its sandy peaks and calming hills.

So look on your time there as your time of true awakening. Your journey has led you now to find your inner work, to a place where it can be done without the distractions of the ancients, who still reside in the atmosphere of Santa Fe, interrupting the lives of many. And those who live there must contend with their interferences. Such interference is not conducive to the work you now do. But you have been imbued with the ancient spirit powers, to go abroad and do the inner work, even as the shamans of that place did once go off to their own inner experiences and returned when their journeys, there recapitulations, and their lessons were complete.

So to answer your questions, know that your longing comes from an ancient connection, and your ability to recognize its resonance. Once experienced, of course you could not ever forget it, it is powerful! But its gift is tremendous, for it opens the door to your inner work, and this is your place of truth. Do not wonder where the longing comes from any longer. It comes from you, in resonance with the holy atmosphere, the spiritual atmosphere that shook you awake, and that is how it should be.

Do not seek to distract your self with wondering about your longing. Your longing must now be directed toward a longing to fully know and understand the self, the journey you have taken, the journey you are now taking, and the journey that lies ahead. Take with you into this inner work the knowledge that you have been offered; that you do feel and connect properly with the right resonance. You do not need to doubt your ability to recognize your proper path. Use that ability now, as you continue your work, as you learn to trust the ancient truth of life as a journey, as a challenge, and as a growth-oriented journey that will lead you to the proper place of resonance within the self first, so that no matter where you are in the world your inner spirit will be your anchoring place. And you will be free to live a calm and quiet life, full of the kind of resonance you felt in Santa Fe, no matter where you physically reside. You see? You have Santa Fe inside you.

You are right, in that you must not allow your longing for this place outside of you to interfere with your longing for seeking it inside you. For that is where you must find it, and that is where you must return to it, in the resonance of self, the recognition of its power and magic within.

Your journey has been sparked with great powerful potential. Your issues of abuse that emerged in such a place of ancient wisdom are drawing you to them, asking you to recall them, learn from them, grow from them, and find your own magnificent inner power and magic as a result.

All of you, My Dear Readers, have Santa Fe, New Mexico inside you. All of you have the inner wisdom, the resonance, and the connection to ancient knowing. All of you are seekers, spirit beings, and wise ones. Continue your good work on the self. Reside in your heart centered knowing that you are doing the work that is right, that is necessary, and that is going to free you, so that you may enjoy your inner sanctum, your inner Santa Fe.

And perhaps, My Dear Eva, you will also one day have your inner power in good balance, so that, if you choose to return to the real Santa Fe, you will be in tune with the resonance there, rather than overwhelmed by it, or enthralled by it, but truly at one with it, resident in its resonance. For that is how to truly live in such a place of power, fully aware of the self as journeyer; doing constantly the inner work; unafraid, freed of the old covers that seek to smother your awareness, and able to utilize the energy of that place to continue your journey.

Who knows where you will go in your future. But I see that you are beginning to trust your own abilities to take the journey, to handle the pressures and the revelations of your recapitulation, and to acquiesce to the inevitability of taking such a meaningful journey. That is what you have carried forth from your years in Santa Fe, and it is powerfully aiding you now, as you take your next steps in your growth.

Accept the gifts you have been given, and keep taking your journey forward, into the self.

Today, A Seeker asks a question.

Dear Jeanne,
I am struggling to accept that my soul chose a path of incest and abuse. Not only because it is so painful, but I cannot grasp how to view the perpetrator. If it is all planned beforehand, then is the abuser never held accountable? Should humanity not stop criminals, as it is all chosen? Of course I totally disagree with the previous statements, but it truly, truly does not make sense to me. I find it hard to believe that if someone had stopped my father from abusing me, it would have interfered with what I chose. I would most certainly stop someone from doing such things if I knew about it.

From what I have been told, these things may be premature for me to comprehend at this stage of my work. But I would love to have some clarity about this.

Thanks.

Yes, My Dear Reader, when you are ready will these things appear differently to your rational mind, which I see struggles greatly with evolutionary ideas, so far removed from the pain and intensely personal hurt of your situation.

In cases of criminal behavior, whether sexual abuse, incest, murder, or any act that intercepts the path of others, whether known or unknown to them, by evolutionary standards is no one ever freed to move on, unaccountable for their actions. There is no freedom in such cases. Everyone must and does pay, in some fashion, for the crimes they perpetrate upon others.

The only place of freedom must be within your self. You must allow your self the freedom of detachment from the perpetrator, in this case the father, in order to recapitulate your journey. You must find the aspects of the self that not only chose such a journey, but chose to confront you with your father in the role of your abuser, but also as your teacher. For he was both, My Dear, though I know that idea is far-fetched and totally unappealing to you at this point in your work.

I do not advocate that you approach him on the subject, for his own awareness is not keen enough to understand, nor factor in, any evolutionary path, such as you seek. His own path will present him with his actions, first in this lifetime, and then more fully in the next, as he seeks resolution for his decisions and choices made with you, his daughter. His choices affect you, and he is fully aware of this. His daughters are not given as play things, yet has his entire being been presented with beguiling enticements that perpetrated, within his journey, a path of deception, intrigue, and possession that he alone is responsible for.

Keep this in mind as you do your inner work. He is completely responsible for his actions with you and others. He is not your lover, your mate, your friend. Yet is he your greatest teacher, your master guide, and your leader along your rocky path. But he has left you along that path. He has deserted you; left you abandoned; forfeited his truth, and his tender love for you by leading you unsuspectingly, and wrongfully, along such a path. His own work haunts him. His decisions and choices do not sit quietly buried as you might suspect, for he hides and keeps himself buried in delusion and deceit.

These things you can have access to regarding him: know that he is punished continually for his actions, thoughts, deeds, plans, and for the many years of devastating activities that have led you along his path of choice, as his unwilling, unknowing, innocent partner. But he abandoned you along the path. Before he even took you one step along the way, did he remove his father self from the path. He took off his fatherly shoes, his fatherly socks, and walked upon the path in the feet of the monster of desire and deceit.

I do not tell you these things so that you may be enticed to feel sorry for this man, but instead for you to understand that he was not your father, but a possession of a monstrous sort. And that possession was a transmogrification*, an entity, a being who paraded in your father’s form, teaching both of you the ways of the world, both the seeing world, and the unseeing world.

So now you are a child in the arms of an entity, who has usurped another’s life in order to abuse? Is this what it was all about? No, not at all. It was far more complicated than that. Transmogrification can happen for many reasons, but always does it take place in order for learning. I myself have transmogrified, changed my shape, my energetic shape, in order to teach. But I have chosen to do so on the light side. I intend my energy only for good, and I use it only for good. As I learned to do this, so was I tested by the negative side, as there was always the possibility for that side to usurp my energy for its own purposes. This I was able to thwart, time and again; at each test gaining more awareness of the process; clarity of how to utilize my own powers of energetic intent; learning the ability to transform, transmogrify, and change, in order to be of aid to others.

So, this possession, this entity who parades as your father is your biological parent, but that is where the connection to reality of that world ends, and the world of the sorcerers begins. For in his own choice, to allow transmogrification to take place, did he enter the sorcerer’s world, where dangers lurk, but masters as well. And those masters are the ones who became your own teachers. You, My Dear One, have been learning from the Masters of the Dark Side, some of the greatest teachers in the universe.

We all had to and have to encounter them, as we learn evolutionary progress. As I explained above, I did also have to learn from them, both upon that Earth, and as I learned what it meant to truly evolve. The teachings are not necessarily pleasant, but the gains in growth of awareness are phenomenal.

So to return to now, to your specific situation, and to your questions. I would advise you, My Dear One, Skeptic and Doubter, Seeker and Spiritual Being, to follow now your own path. The transmogrified being is not in your presence, nor are his touches upon you. You are in a place of limbo, that land of uncertainty, struggling with the past and not quite fully aware of the future. But that limbo is your work area, your place of putting together all that you have experienced in the context of an evolutionary life. I believe that this concept of a life is not at all foreign or distasteful to you. I believe you seek fulfillment, you always have, though you also get lost in your whirlwind of decisive thoughts, your rational mind seeking to place the events in your life into compartments. But you have not as yet learned what those compartments should be labeled. You keep changing the labels, and that is a sign not of confusion, but of seeking for truth.

As you do this truth-seeking work that perpetrator’s life will disappear, further and further from your own awareness, as you discover the reasons for your own path. The journey that you are on will lead you to your work, your true life’s work, as a guide to others who have also taken such a journey. As a guide to those who do not understand why they hide from life and seek oblivion, as you also have done, and still do, in your obsessive and dismissive thoughts regarding growth and evolution.

I know that it is much easier to pin a label upon your man, your father, and call him evil lover, faithless father, criminal mind. But in the end will you find that another label will fit him perfectly well: evolutionary being, who struggles to gain awareness and clarity of his own deeds, and learns that the only means to salvation is through truly accepting and reliving his actions, in total responsibility. That is his journey.

Your journey will eventually evolve, from obsession with the journey you have thus far taken (and this is your recapitulation), to resolution, and finally to detachment from the ties that now bind you so forcefully still to this haunting situation, and to this man who so direly abused your innocence and your trust. And yes, if you are able, your duty to halt such perpetration upon an innocent being must be uppermost in your awareness. But not all are present enough or willing enough to confront such truths, for their own reasons. And to fault such behavior is to once again deny that each life leads to growth, and each being upon that planet is truly upon a journey that must be attended to. It is not your job to judge others for the choices they make, but to find your own path, and stick to it in spite of the hurt and the denials being spoken all around you.

You are now relearning what it means to trust a man. You are now relearning what it means to be innocent. You are now relearning what it means to take responsibility for the journey of the self. And even though you do not, at this point in your work, understand why your soul chose the path you have thus far lived, so will those questions resolve, as you continue along your evolutionary path.

A thoroughly lived life carries forth all the pain, bringing the inner hurts and the outer hurts forward. Bringing them in to the light of day, so that you may have the opportunity to examine them; with clarity spreading out before you, lighting all the pieces of your life, so that you may put them together in the intimate context of who you are NOW, in THIS life, able to clearly see what those pains have taught you about your self, and what they will mean in your future.

Your future bodes well for being actively involved in stopping such painful perpetration, by becoming involved in dealing, on some level, with the underworld, the dark side, that does inhabit people such as your father. You are tender now in your protection of the child, but the ultimate protection of the child comes in understanding the dark side, the propensity for foreign energy to take possession of those who are aware of its power, and make the choice to allow it to take over their journey. With a mix of awareness and desire for the power that such energy offers is such a choice made. Yet is there still resident acknowledgment of the other self, who gave up the struggle to stay in the light, on the side of good.

Why? Perhaps that is where your future will take you. Perhaps your fine mind and your adventuresome spirit will lead you to encounter this aspect in all beings upon that Earth. For all have to make a choice, at some point in life. And all are presented with the light and the dark. Why do some choose the dark? Are they but, as yet, unevolved? Do they desire the challenges of the battles they will undeniably be presented with? Or are they but weaklings, unwilling to fully take responsibility for their energy, lazily allowing themselves to be used, without thought or care for those they come in contact with? All of these propositions may be true, in any person you meet. Your future work may lie in deciphering the truth of these statements. You have the mind and the spirit capable of tackling such mysteries.

But for now, My Dear One, you are confronted with learning what it means to become fully aware of your own journey, to fully comprehend the meaning of it for you alone, without attachment to the others involved in it. For at this point, must you find YOUR truth. Only once you fully accept your past, the truth of it, can you fully accept responsibility for your future, but ultimately your present because that is where you live.

Each moment is your present, it is where you live, it is your NOW, and it must be sought out, as clearly as possible, as you live responsibly, fully aware that you are on a journey. And yes, you did make some choices ahead of time, but then you got confronted with things that you perhaps did not anticipate in full awareness. But once encountered did you act according to your soul’s journey, staying on the side of good, maintaining your powers of light, with your intent focused upon your spiritual path. In so doing did you not get drawn in to the dark side, as your father did. You maintained your integrity, your boundaries, un-invaded, though your body did suffer greatly in the battles you were led to fight. But you must stay firmly aware that you did not lose one battle, you remained a warrior child. And you continue to grow with that battle scarred body, and that powerful, winning spirit still leads you on.

Your work lies ahead of you, but you have opened the door once again to seeking clarity. And this clarity I speak of is not just clarity of what happened in the past, but it is also your seeking of spiritual clarity. Your inner desire to understand the spirit that drives you, and the energy that seeks to fully comprehend and understand what is truly meant by evolution, evolutionary growth, and an evolutionary journey.

So My Dear Warrior Woman, maintain your balance, but also maintain your awareness of your spiritual self who has pushed you far, to where you are now, being presented with mind-shifting ideas that you are fully capable of understanding. And you will aid your self greatly by trusting this amazing journey you are on, trusting that you chose the side of good a long time ago. You fought desperately and bravely to remain in that world of light, and you have already succeeded in that. You already won your battles. So accept that.

Now it’s all about learning. You, and many others in the world, are in this place of learning what it means to be an evolving being. You, and many others, continually seek clarity. Accept that this is who you are; and keep learning, keep trusting, and keep going. I await the results of your hard and determined work. You have amazing potential to really be a part of a changing world, to offer what you are learning to many, in the future. Your potential to change the world is unlimited. Good luck, My Dear One. You are safe. Trust the journey.

*Transmogrification as discussed in a previous message (Message #328) is defined as a change, a transformation, often to something grotesque, but can also refer to transforming into something delightful or humorous.