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A Day in a Life: In The Pit

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You're driving me crazy!!! - Photo by Jan Ketchel
You’re driving me crazy!!! – Photo by Jan Ketchel

Leonard Cohen sings: I had to go crazy to love you, had to go down to the pit, had to do time in the tower, begging my crazy to quit…Had to go crazy to love you, had to let everything fall, had to be people I hated, had to be no one at all…

I’m a Leonard Cohen fan, have been ever since I first saw him perform in Gothenburg, Sweden in 1976. It was just him and his guitar. He sat alone on a folding chair on the stage, a cup of something at his feet. He touched the poet in me and I recognized his agony. Since then he’s spent time as a monk, but he’s also perfected his outer persona and through many trials and errors become the consummate performer, giving his all, even at the age of 78 performing for three hours to packed houses.

I still hear his agony in his songs, recognize the imperfect human creature he presents us with. And this song, Crazy To Love You, is all about that. It’s about projection and facing the self, doing the recapitulation time, going down into the shadows of the self, ascending into the inflations of the self, confronting everything hateful about the self, becoming nothing—egoless—and in the process learning to love the self. It’s all about taking the endless contemplative inner journey and not giving up, no matter what is encountered. It’s about seeking a kind of perfection, a humble impeccability that knows that everything is okay, everything is necessary and permissible, everything leads to love. When we acquiesce to our humanness we discover that our greatest challenge in life is to love the self. If we can love the self, then we’re on the way to honing a new kind of impeccability devoid of self-importance, the impeccability of being able to love others, to being able to embrace all humanity as being as imperfect and as lovable as we are. We all have to go crazy to love one another.

Recently I dreamed a dream of deep encounters with the self. I sat with Chuck and many hundreds of others at a huge banquet table, perhaps a hundred feet long and a dozen feet wide. Perhaps you were all there as well. We were all under the control of a tiny woman who stood opposite me at the far end of the table. From my position I could see that she was tiny, but her voice was booming, commanding, and her image, projected onto a giant screen above her, loomed over us, making her seem bigger than life, more frightening than she appeared in person.

Had to go into the pit... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
Had to go into the pit… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

She made demands, gave us absurd and demeaning challenges. Like a dictator, she barked out commands, telling us what to do as she timed us, and then punished us for not completing our tasks within the time limitations she had set. At one point, she told us all to take a shit, right at the table. We were only given so much time and so much toilet paper. I failed this test. I fumbled with the paper, and by the time the few seconds she’d given us had passed I was in deep doo-doo, so to speak. From then on I had to walk around with shit in my pants.

After the table scene ended we had to hike through some fields. It was dark. We were heading to a big bonfire. We were commanded to bring our most valuable possessions with us, packed in small glass jars and wooden boxes. I told Chuck that if she instructed us to “go into the woods,” that I wasn’t going. I was adamant about that, a clear reference to my abuse. “Oh yeah,” Chuck said, and I could hear him trying to figure out a way to tell this little tyrant woman that I would not go into the woods and be humiliated, that I was done with that. We knew she was unapproachable, that she wouldn’t care and that no excuses would be accepted. It didn’t matter what you had been through in your past, she was not going to let anyone off the hook. Feeling sorry for anyone was not allowed. It was expected that every experience would be confronted if she deemed it necessary. She demanded that we erase all personal attachment and self-importance, and humiliation was as good a means of getting us there as any.

We finally got to the site of the bonfire. The little woman told us all to throw our most valuable belongings into the fire. “Do you think it’s a good idea to throw glass jars into a hot fire?” I asked Chuck, but it didn’t matter. “Just do it!” the woman screamed. We all tossed our things onto the fire and stood around watching them burn. I woke up as she came over to me, looked me straight in the eye, and then turned her back and walked away. “Fuck you,” I thought.

Upon awakening, it didn’t take me long to see this dream as confrontations with habits, with the mindless things we do and how they control us. Obviously, it’s also about self-importance. The little woman was me, a part of me that sets me up to do as I have always done, keeping me a prisoner of my own doings, as I clearly felt like a prisoner in the dream. And if you were there, you were a prisoner too. “Had to go down to the pit,” as Leonard Cohen writes, had to sit in my own shit.

It's true!!! - Photo by Jan Ketchel
It’s true!!! – Photo by Jan Ketchel

We all have a little petty tyrant inside of us, someone who humiliates us and whom we hate. We feel trapped and helpless. It could be related to anything: to constant worry or fear, to overspending or over-consuming, to being too hard or too easy on ourselves or lazy and undisciplined. It could be attached to being angry all the time or sad all the time, full of self-righteousness or self-pity, things that really get us nowhere.

Our personal petty tyrant knows us so well. She knows how to slip in and take over, how to humiliate us and make us face our shit. In my dream, the tiny woman pushed us all to be something we hated and “no one at all.” In the burning of what was most precious, she forced us to let go of everything, of both our shame and our self-importance. I was nothing more than a woman walking around with shit in my pants, my possessions gone. Had to go into the fire and let it all burn.

In this dream, my petty tyrant, whom I so viscerally hated, became my guide, and so I have to love her. She is the knowing part of myself, leading me to the naked truth that I am nothing at all, and only in that place of naked truth can I love myself. As Leonard Cohen learned: Had to go crazy to love you! In recapitulation, we discover that going into the pit means accepting everything about ourselves; even the shit in our pants must not be attached to. Even the implication of my abuse must not be more important than anything, than nothing. “Don’t get attached to anything, Jan,” this tiny petty tyrant self is saying in this dream.

Getting to the beauty in all parts of the self... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
Getting to the beauty in all parts of the self… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

Everything is of the same value and everything has no value. There is no point in shame or anger, in self-pity or specialness. The only thing that really has value is pushing the self every day to keep going—just as this tiny woman dictator did—to keep confronting the self, to keep shedding attachments to what we think we need and want. In the end, although I said “Fuck You,” I was really thanking her for helping me face myself, for emptying out. Because by the end of the dream that was what I felt, empty, light, bereft, as if something had died, but bereft in a good and cleansing way. It was as if I had finally let something go that had been bothering me for a long time, and I know that it was my own attachment to feeling that I had to be perfect all the time. How absurd!

I hope this makes sense. Our struggle is to really let go of self-importance by facing our most private and intimate self, and fully accepting that we are all really nothing at all. I find such release in knowing that I am nothing. I’m able to relax into who I truly am, offered the freedom to live without fear and without the need to always get it right. For it’s in our failures that we learn, it’s in facing our shit that we evolve.

Going on, shamelessly facing myself, living in the moment, without attachment. Thanks for reading!

In all humility,
Jan

Many thanks to Leonard Cohen for a lifetime of beautiful work!

And without self-importance—because I really do reveal my most intimate self in my books—here’s a shameless plug for my new book. It’s really a good read! The book icon in the left sidebar leads directly to Amazon. I’m working on getting the Kindle edition linked to the main book page, so you should find it there shortly.

Messages from Jeanne

Readers of Infinity: Patient Waiting

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Here is this week’s message of guidance from Jeanne.

Center the self and wait patiently... - Image by Jan Ketchel
Center the self and wait patiently… – Image by Jan Ketchel

This is a time of waiting. “But what,” you might ask, “are we waiting for?”

You, My Dears, are waiting for everything and for nothing. You wait for life and you wait for death, yet every move you make, every thought you allow to form, every word you utter, every action you take must become part of your patient waiting.

In patient waiting, practice and intent are of the utmost importance. Without attachment to outcome, personal gain, or getting your due in any way, patient waiting asks only that you live impeccably.

To live impeccably is to assign the utmost importance to the self, devoid of selfless and selfish feelings or sentiments, so that you may hone your energy, and thus your evolving self, to perfection.

“Is perfection the goal?” you might ask. Yes, I say, perfection of the self in all you do is a perfectly acceptable goal, but that perfect self must be energetically perfect as well. And even though the human self may constantly battle or defend or disappoint you as you seek perfection and impeccability in all you do, remember this: that’s its role!

I suggest you find or accept what you are good at and make it your goal to be the best at whatever that is. This seeking of perfection must enter all parts of the self and all aspects of your life. You may be a good friend, a good parent, a good cook, a good writer, a good athlete, a good doctor, a good clerk, a good gardener, a good samaritan, a good teacher, have great talent or be a good guide to others. You may even be a good lover. Learn from yourself. Notice how you have honed your attentive and impeccable self, how you constantly learn your job better and better, how you constantly seek higher ground professionally, and as many skills as possible to keep up in a changing world. Such seeking to better the self must extend into all areas of the self and life, into your inner world and your outer world.

Include compassion, kindness, and gentleness into your every movement and decision. Include firmness and high expectations in your intent to change as well, yet be also flowing and open to what life brings to the table. Notice when life is asking you to change, when circumstances do not permit you to move in a certain direction. Do not force what life itself says must not be forced. Accept limitations with humbleness, knowing that you are being guided to go in a new direction. Learn how life itself, without any input on your part, naturally pushes you to change.

Drop your controlling habits and acquiesce a little bit more each day to the flow of life, honing your impeccability to flow naturally without worry or regret. In this time of waiting, allow the self to be both open to opportunity as regards your skilled self and also open to the changing self as well.

Be flexible. Be aware. Be open. Be accepting of change. At the same time, firm up your intent so that in both your inner world and your outer world your intent may be heard, so that its firm commitment to change may be acceptable, adaptable, unresistant to the true self, the impeccable self you seek to know better. This is the self who, without doubt, knows exactly how to live through this time of waiting. This self also knows how to take you forward into new life, if you can allow yourself to be taken.

With patience and in full awareness that this impeccable self exists, begin your time of waiting. Set your intent and then practice becoming the new you. Each day as you awaken reset that intent and often throughout the day as well. Whenever there is a lull, remind yourself of the following:

I am a being you is going to die, but before I do I intent to fully live impeccably and with awareness. I invite my most impeccable, honest, and truly compassionate self to emerge and fully live!

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Waiting In The Void

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I feel somewhat like this little fellow, emerging from the ground after 17 years in another world... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
I feel somewhat like this little fellow, emerging from the ground after 17 years in another world… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

It’s Tuesday afternoon. I’m waiting for the proof of my book to arrive. It’s been a tense few days. I’d sent the book off at 3:45 last Thursday, declaring that I was ready to take a few days off while I waited for the proofs to be delivered by CreateSpace, Amazon’s on-demand publisher. With knowledge of Word and a techie friend who can design a cover, it’s fairly simple to publish a book these days. A few simple downloads and the book was on its way to the great digital reviewer in the cloud. A great sigh of relief and a lot of self-congratualtory pats on the back followed. I smiled a lot and felt very happy.

I decided I’d take a few days off, while I waited for the proof to arrive. I’ll do something else for a while, something else besides writing and thinking about writing, I thought, things I’d been putting off, like cleaning the bathroom and raking the leaves out of the flowerbeds and vegetable garden so I can get my planting done.

Friday, the first day off, and the weekend went by fairly quickly. The weather was nice and so Chuck and I got a lot of outdoor work done. Then Monday arrived and all of a sudden I felt groundless. After obligations were fulfilled, my usual writing time arrived and I didn’t know what to do. The allure of freedom from writing had worn off, but I felt like I had to uphold my intent to give myself a break.

Here it is Tuesday, and I’m still wandering around in the void of free time and so I’m writing this blog just to reground myself. It has to be done anyway, but on the other hand all of this wandering in the void that I’ve created gives me the opportunity to write about routine, how grounding it is, how safe it makes us feel, how important it is to who we are. Without it, I feel like a ship out of water!

When I was a full time freelance artist, I dreaded the lull between jobs. Not only was it financially stressful but I feared that I’d lose my creativity completely in those down times. I worried that I’d be unable to come up with an idea when the next job proposal came along. And so I’d keep multiple projects always going, making sure there was always an overlap so I’d never lose my creative edge. And so I never had free time either, or very little of it. I was always working in some way, keeping myself safe, because free time in the old days meant fears would seep in. It meant risking deeper depression and darker moods than normal, states that were very difficult to extricate myself from. I’m in a totally different place these days, in fact, I’m a totally different person. But I look back on the person I was with such fondness, for her ability to deal with the tension of living on the precipice of despair was impeccable.

These days, I’m a stranger to depression. It’s rare now, and so fear of depression wasn’t an issue as I faced the past few days. I didn’t worry about discipline either, for I am a very disciplined person. You can’t be a freelancer and not have discipline; your livelihood is totally in your own hands. Discipline however, involves routine, and so I come to this self-realization: I love routine! It’s so predictable. It makes life flow. It makes life so easy. I will do this and this and this, and then that will happen and that. What could be easier! But what could be more boring!

And so I face this boring truth about myself, while at the same time I look into the void of my empty writing time. I must fill it with something else! NO! I won’t. But then here I am, filling it. As I sit at my computer and write, I have to admit that my sense of groundlessness has dissipated. The void is fast receding, and yet I refuse to see this as routine—not me!

Yes, Jan, it is. I’m not letting myself sit in the lull that I’ve created by my intent to not do the routine. I’m not letting myself sit in the calm, in the moment of silence when the mind is still. When in the busyness of my routine I long for such moments. I long for the long meditation period, the calmness of a quiet day with nothing to do. I feel like I’m away on vacation and after two days I’m done, I’ve had enough. It’s time to leave. But I’m too far from home, committed, the vacation paid for and so I must stay. At times like these the challenge really is to let go, to push through the urge to jump up and go back to work and let the lull become important, sacred, and nurturing. We all need respite.

We had quite the communication this tree spirit and I... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
We had quite the communication this tree spirit and I… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

I can so easily lose sight of such basic human needs for rest and relaxation in the energy of the creative. And I think that’s what I’m dealing with right now, the energy of the creative, because although I didn’t consciously make certain that I had something to fill the gap while I wait for the proofs to arrive, my creative self stepped in and took over. Her old spot opened up and she grabbed the opportunity to reassert her priorities. Creativity runs deep, and so I acquiesce—for a little while. I realize that for some people having the free time to be creative is such a dream, while those of us who live it our whole lives might need a break from it every now and then, from the consuming fire of it. Just a little break.

Writing this blog doesn’t feel routine. I’m “not doing,” as the Shamans of Ancient Mexico say—breaking the routine by doing things differently, or not at all—by writing on a different day than usual, and when I’m done I’m going to do something quiet, in alignment with my spirit asking for some attention. It’s time to reenter the void. Hmm, I’ve been yearning to learn a new song on the ukelele…

Just taking a small break from my beloved routine,
Jan

P.S. It looks like my book, The Edge of the Abyss – Volume 1, will be ready for ordering by the end of the week. I look forward to being able to post that announcement! Feel free to write reviews at Amazon and spread the word in other ways, if you feel that it’s right. One must be an Amazon customer to leave a review on the book page, I believe. I personally have such a hard time saying that I hope you’ll like the book knowing that it’s about such a difficult subject, but I really do hope you’ll all like it!

Messages from Jeanne

Readers of Infinity: Intend A Contemplative Life

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Here is Jeanne’s message for this week, a call to connect with our spirits in quiet contemplation.

Contemplate something beautiful today... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
Contemplate something beautiful today… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

My heart pains for the beauty in all of you as yet untapped. Do not fear your innocence or your inner beauty. Do not fear your creative side, your spiritual side, your deeply knowing self. Do not fear revealing who you truly are. If you wish to change, this is where to begin, within the self, exactly where you find yourself now, at this point in your life, in this moment in time.

Note how you refuse the call of your spirit, though it calls repeatedly. Do not fear the outcome of your life, for if you heed your spirit’s call—though it may at first be a challenging road—it will eventually lead you to success and peacefulness.

Be pragmatic and fierce. Be determined and kind. Be loving and gentle with the self and others, yet be also intensely focused and attentive to your spirit’s guidance. Learn to listen to your inner truth, not the rhetoric of trends or outer world factions, but the voice of your deeply inner self. This voice will ask you to act only innerly. It will not ask you to project onto the world around you but only to reflect on the self. Your inner voice will never ask you to hurt another or the self. It will only ask you to be kind and loving. It will, however, seek to guide you to discipline so that you will find time within the context of living a busy and productive life for inner work and contemplation.

Seek the contemplative life in some form today and every day. This may mean you set aside a few minutes a day for calm sitting without distraction and that will be enough. The discipline required is a commitment to do this contemplative work on a daily basis. Eventually, its role will increase. As it becomes a more natural part of your life, like eating a meal or brushing your teeth, you will begin to notice your moments of quiet extending into the other hours of your life. You will begin to crave such moments and then you will know that your focus is working.

Commit to a contemplative life today. Set aside a time and place to be calm and utterly detached from the world around you. Do it daily and it will become easier and easier. I advise this above all else. Nothing will feed your spirit as the gift of quietude will. Just be quiet.

NOTE from Jan: Each morning before we jump into our day, we light a candle, a tall taper, and take a few minutes to gaze into the flame, closing our eyes every few minutes to experience the inner flame. It’s a great way to begin a contemplative practice. Even just 5 minutes sets a tone for inner calmness and connection to spirit. It calms the mind and the soul. I highly recommend it, though there are many other options available as well. Just do what feels personally right and is practical enough that you won’t have to make too much effort each day. Keep it simple and you won’t fail!

Jan's Blog

A Day in a Life: Worry Is Me!

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We sat in the warmth of the fire and talked... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
We sat in the warmth of the fire and talked… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

This morning, Chuck and I sat and talked, a fire going in the wood stove to warm us. The sun not up yet, we sat in the light of the fire and talked about how worry attaches to us and just won’t let go. “But what is worry,” I said, “except Me, Me, Me. It’s all about the self, poor me, and it consumes us!” When we worry nothing else makes sense to us, nothing else is real. We are totally fixated on the worry!

The Shamans of Ancient Mexico say that when we worry there is no room for anything else, our energy is totally usurped and we become nothing more than a dead carcass. Worry comes like vultures and picks away at us, as if we are carrion. Not a pretty sight! But when you think about it, that’s exactly what it feels like. When we are so totally wrapped up in our worry we cease to see and experience the world as it really is. Worry takes us into a dark place and our energy for life and possibility is drained. “Woe is me,” our minds say, “Woe is me!” Worry becomes Me—I become worry! Such a lifeless place to be!

When we relieve ourselves of worry we realize it was all in our heads. The sheer relief of shedding worry leaves a lightness to the mind, an instantaneous lifting of that heavy curtain of misery and woe. We all know the feeling. Suddenly we notice the world around us again, and everything looks different. So what is that thing we call worry, just an illusion? You bet it is!

In recapitulation we learn to shed our worry. We learn how it controls us and holds us captive, how it is basically meaningless, how it is a mere conjuring entity come to drain our energy. By worrying we attract negative energy and even possibly negative outcome to our lives. If we think about bad things happening, bad things will happen. I learned about such things when I was recapitulating. I was so steeped in worry and old negativity that every thought just dug me deeper into my negative ways. One day I’d had enough.

“I am so done with this worry. I now reject the bad,” I said. “I only want good in my life!” And from that day forth good things really started to happen. It took some time before I learned to totally rid my mind of negativity and worry, as I had to really prove to myself that I could change my world by changing my thoughts. I had to test this premise a few more times, but eventually I learned to leave the negative thoughts to the crows of recapitulation.

Worry is very patient... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
Worry is very patient… – Photo by Jan Ketchel

As I began to more fully invite only good thoughts and positive energy into my mind, I felt energetically very different. Physically and mentally, I became lighter. Life began to unfold in unbelievably brighter ways too.

I recommend taking note of worry, how it comes in, how it gets conjured by thoughts of what if, but is rarely based on what is. In recapitulation we face our fears and dismantle them, effectively dismantling the basis of worry as well. If we are no longer afraid of life we discover that worry is fleeting, a mere crow flying overhead, nothing to attach to, nothing to get upset about. If there is something we must face it will appear in its true form, not as something enigmatic that has no real place in our lives. The real stuff will become fully known and then we must not worry about it but face it squarely and deal with it in a practical and impeccable manner.

Sure, there are plenty of times when worry feels necessary, when one worries about children, spouses, loved ones and if they are safe, happy, doing the right thing, etc. But I’ve found that in such cases my worries regarding others has a negative effect on them. I’ve learned that if I worry about them then they are not free of Me, the same me that I’m not free of when I worry endlessly about things. I infect others with my worry, the same way worry infects me. And so I have learned to send only good and positive thoughts and loving feelings to the people in my life when worry arises.

I know they are all encountering the things they must encounter in their own lives, just as I had to encounter and still do encounter things in my own life. I set them free of too much Me. I set them free to live their own lives to the fullest, free to make their own decisions just as I have had to make mine. We are all beings on our solo journeys after all, listening for the call of our own spirits, trying to decipher when is the right moment to heed the call.

It does not serve anyone to live in the false world of worry. If I am to free myself from Me, the me that Chuck has been writing about lately—the poor me—and really evolve into a new being, I must free myself of the energy-consuming worry wart that constantly seeks me out. Think of it as being out there in the universe, flying around like the crows, looking for a place to sit down and munch away! Are you going to make yourself available for that?

My head gets so much lighter as I release worry. As if I have just woken up or come out of a hole in the ground, my energy returns and I find myself happy to be alive. Try it, it really works. All of a sudden you notice all the things you’ve been missing, and you’ll find that the people in your life will be so much happier too. You’ll hear it in their voices, and experience it in their energy, just as you’ll hear it and see it in yourself.

Enjoying the spring, watching the crows fly overhead, worry free,
Jan