The first step in taking the recapitulation journey is to acknowledge that something is wrong. Statements and questions like the following might indicate the need for deeper self-exploraton:
We have to fully explore the dark if we are to fully access the light… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
I don’t fit in.
I’m not really here; my body walks around but I’m not in it.
I don’t feel safe.
I’m always afraid.
I just want to be normal.
Why can’t I just be like everyone else?
Why do I feel so different, isolated, lonely, angry?
Why can’t I trust anyone?
Why do I feel so ashamed, so guilty, so invisible and unimportant?
What am I always apologizing for?
What is wrong with me?
Recapitulation is not just for the recapitulation of trauma or physical or sexual abuse; it is a process that can be utilized to clear up and clean up any negative energies or beliefs that may hamper fuller living. From the point of view of the Shamans of Ancient Mexico it is a prerequisite to higher learning and exploration.
How can we move on into new positive life experiences if we have not completely shed the negative aspects of our old life experiences? Our experiences of happiness, contentment, and calm balance will be fleeting or short-lived until we acknowledge that something is seriously wrong, that in spite of how far we have come in life we are slowly dying a little bit each day at our deepest core.
Once we acknowledge that something is seriously wrong with us the next step is to accept that it’s okay to have something wrong; in fact it might be quite helpful. No one is perfect or is expected to be perfect, in spite of what you may have been taught. The things that we’ve been taught and the voices that have ruled us our entire lives might be the first things to look at closely as we contemplate beginning a recapitulation.
A simple nonthreatening process might entail noticing how often we refer to or repeat things that we were taught as we were growing up. Are those things true today? Do we really believe them? Are they relevant to now? What are the messages I constantly repeat to myself? Who told me I couldn’t do this or that? Who made up the rules that rule me? Who’s voice do I hear in my head telling we what to do, how to think and how to feel? Who’s voice controls me?
Recapitulation asks us to face our issues and, yes, that is a painful process but we will never be free if we don’t fully encounter and go through all that keeps us bound to lives of stagnancy, negative self-talk, repetitive behaviors, pain and depression.
The recapitulation goal is to one day walk calmly among the shadows and be at peace… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
In acknowledging that there is something wrong with us, we must also accept that everything can be fixed, that where there is a wrong there is a right. And the personal commitment to fixing the wrongs and finding the rights is the healing journey of recapitulation.
Remember, you’re already a survivor. You can get through anything; you’ve already proven that just by growing up with all of your defenses and protections in place. Now it’s time to go on to a new level of living, growing beyond the old stuff that is no longer really working for you. Your strengths and abilities do not need to be tested; that’s already been done. You just need to reframe them into positive attributes as you now concentrate on healing you!
We live our whole lives in our physical body, housing our mental, emotional and spiritual selves. It’s important to make our body home of self into someone we really love and respect, someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Recapitulation can get us there.
The four-fold path is ever-unfolding… – Art by Jan Ketchel
Show up.
Pay attention.
Tell the truth.
Don’t get attached to the outcome.
These four basic principles of many shamanic traditions have been put to modern usage in a variety of well-established models of healing and recovery. Indeed, Carl Jung suggested squaring the circle, grounding in four points of consciousness to fully access and achieve the wholeness that we truly are. Claudia Black in her seminal work on co-dependency, Double Duty, sets out four basic agreements that adult children of chemically dependent parents follow to achieve recovery: to show up and explore their past; to pay attention to and identify what was learned as a child; to without judgment tell the truth about old behaviors, reframing them into survival skills; and to not get attached to the outcome but to break through all ideas of the past to take full ownership of true feelings, beliefs, and responsibility for new life. Angeles Arrien brought the process of indigenous shamanism alive in her own seminal work, The Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary. I see these same four strategies clearly spelled out in the shamanic process of recapitulation that turned my own life on its ear as I embarked on a journey of deep self-exploration and healing, marking the square within the circle of my own wholeness.
During the shamanic process of recapitulation, showing up might mean being present for what shows up in your life and points out what must be recapitulated and what must be received. Often a recapitulation process seems to begin out of nowhere, but deeper reflection might reveal that it has been in the works for a long time. If you are ready, if you choose to commit, if you align with the intent of your spirit, you will be on the healing journey of a lifetime, into your own body and psyche, where all that you are and all that you have the potential to become waits for reconciliation. Though many people do recapitulation on their own—indeed the bulk of the process is often done alone—a seasoned guide may become a necessary part of the process. Such a guide would offer tools for grounding and empowerment that would enable you to realign and return to your journey, fully present again rather than constricted by worry or fear.
Paying attention might mean not turning away from the truth, no matter how painfully crushing or ugly. It can be difficult at first to hold your ground as memories overwhelm or as traumatic events, or even sad events, are reckoned with, but over time paying attention becomes easier; staying present becomes easier. After a while, the way your specific process unfolds becomes more predictable. You learn the signals that a recapitulation is about to begin. You learn that you can gain a little control by asking it to wait, but you also learn that you must let it know that you will attend to it at an appropriate time. You learn that you are not a victim but a strong independent being and that although you are willing to take the journey into the deeper self you are not willing to be destroyed by the journey. You gain invaluable experience in the unfolding of the process, especially as you begin to realize that even as you once survived your trauma so too do you survive the reliving of your trauma during recapitulation.
To blossom is natural… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Eventually, you begin to decipher between what is you and what is not you, what has heart and meaning for you and what does not. You notice that blocks and obstacles begin to melt and you become softer, gentler with yourself. Eventually you are more open, able to be compassionate and giving toward others in a new and different way too. You find that life holds possibilities previously unimagined. This is paying attention.
Telling the truth during recapitulation might mean looking at your past without judgment or blame, focusing instead on discovering all that was, so that you are not left with any mysteries or burdens to bear, so that your maturity may blossom and all that once kept you locked in old beliefs and behaviors may fade away. During recapitulation you focus on expressing yourself truthfully and with integrity as you search for your authentic self, waiting to hear the voice of your own true inner being. You are recapitulating so that your authentic self may fully live and speak your truths without fear or restraint, as you are no longer willing to be held back from enjoying the fullness of the life you are in and who you truly are.
Eventually, the process becomes a fascinating journey, as the events of your life are studied and valued for what they have to teach you and for what they bring you. But the longterm intent of recapitulation is to retrieve the parts of yourself that were split off during the traumatic events of your life and bring them home. It is a holistic healing process, a soul retrieval that you do for yourself. How could anyone else ever do it for you? I discovered this during my own recapitulation; I was the only one who could possibly take my own inner journey. I was the only one who could possibly know and recognize the real me.
Not getting attached to the outcome might mean letting your process guide you forward rather than deciding where you think the journey should take you. It means learning to trust that everything is part of the journey, finding a way to be comfortable with the ever-changing self. Yes, it’s good to begin recapitulation with the intent of reconciliation and healing, but reconciliation might take on a whole new meaning, and healing, by the end of the journey, might be something quite different from what you had imagined when the journey began. Overall, a recapitulation must be undertaken with openness, with readiness to finally make sense of life on a deeper level, specifically your own life.
Recapitulation is really a spiritual practice, and with all spiritual practices it requires acquiescence of a sort, to allowing the practice itself to show the way. It also requires acquiescence to the inevitability of change and to really allowing the self to change on the deepest level. Change means letting go of a lot of things, even people who no longer are part of your journey, but it also means inviting in a lot of new things and people and moving on without regret, fully accepting of all that once was, fully open to all that is still possible.
Eventually it all makes sense… – Photo by Jan Ketchel
Not being attached to outcome is part of acquiescing, not in a giving up way or even a giving in way, but in an acknowledgement of your spirit and the truths it speaks to you of. As life, the universe, and your spirit take you forward on your journey—both during your recapitulation and in your new life beyond recapitulation—you realize you really have no control over what happens, and this too is acquiescence, yet you still exercise the ability to choose to live life according to what is right and good for you and your spirit.
Spiritual and shamanic traditions look to nature to offer guidance during times of change, to show the way, rather than denying that change is happening. Recapitulation offers a path of healing that looks to the nature of the Self to show the way, where all that we naturally are is waiting for us to free it.
I really am in the final throes of editing my next book in The Recapitulation Diaries series: The Edge of the Abyss. For this week’s blog I post another excerpt, as I am conserving my time for editing. As the recapitulation proceeded I constantly discovered just how my inner process was leading me to learn what I needed to learn about myself. Guided by the intent of the process of recapitulation itself—its intent set long ago by the Shamans of Ancient Mexico—I was swept up in that intent, for better or worse, married to it. Though I often felt that I had married a monster, at other times I knew I had married a prince. In the end I discovered that I had been married to myself all along—if that makes any sense! I don’t believe this excerpt needs the same kind of warning as some of the others that I’ve posted. It’s really just about gaining valuable insight about the journey of life and moving forward with renewed intent.
“Look what I bring!” my child self says… Bottle art by Haldis. Photo by Jan Ketchel
From February 6, 2003: My son, sick with the flu and a 103° temperature, sleeps in today. I get my daughter off to school and contemplate what I woke up thinking about earlier this morning: shame, and the child inside me who continues to carry it around like a heavy boulder. I’m pretty sure the adult self let it go a long time ago, but the child self sneaks into the adult world at times still bearing this heavy burden. She plunks it down in front of me and says: “See! It’s still here.”
As I peer at this big boulder of shame that she drags around, I suddenly experience complete separateness from this child self, and with utter clarity I understand that she is the one who so tightly rolls into that fetal position every night. Clutching all the pain and shame, she’s still very much alive, residing somewhere deep inside me, while I—the adult—have gone on into life. I’ve grown up and done a lot of adult things, distancing myself from her as much as possible in order to do so. Now, I clearly understand that I went on so I could one day return to this moment, so that I could one day be in the position I’m in right now, intent upon rescuing the child self still inside me and, in so doing, rescue myself.
Until today, I’ve had such a difficult time seeing and believing myself to actually be more than one being, fearful of what it might mean about me, perhaps that I’m crazier than I thought. But only in acknowledging that I am many beings simultaneously will I be able to embrace the crystal clear insight that right now, in this moment, hits me: fragmentation is a valuable skill!
In one aspect of fragmentation, my fully present adult self is able to step outside the memories and from her perspective carefully and sensitively guide my child self. I see this as an evolving aspect of the recapitulation. I realize that in so doing I’m finally able to reciprocate what my child self once so protectively did, as she fragmented, repressing the memories in the process, so I could grow up. I’ve simply not been in a position to fully embrace this insight until now, but it’s very clear that fragmentation is an important tool that has a valid place in the healing process.
“I can do this now,” my adult self says… Photo and painted bottle art by Jan Ketchel
As I continue to hone the use of this skill, I imagine that all of my parts will eventually merge. As my adult self joins forces with my fragmented child selves—my sixteen little girl selves—and grants them each an opportunity to express themselves, they will no longer be alienated parts, separate from the whole. Once each part has told her tale and been fully acknowledged for both her pain and her bravery, another part will link into this healing process, another part offered the way home. Clarity and wholeness will eventually come, as new ideas and new perceptions about life in general and the past in particular are accepted and assimilated too.
It’s really the job of the adult self now to make all this happen, to introduce the guidelines, for only she has the wherewithal and the stamina to take on this monumental task. It’s what I’ve been preparing for. She must nurture and prepare each of the fragmented selves now too, make them welcome, and fully assimilate them into the inner circle of the new self. It can’t happen without a strong adult presence, a loving, respectful, and compassionate self. That kind of maturity is key to this whole process.
Those who have returned from near-death experiences report that upon leaving their bodies and entering into an out-of-body state, their entire lives flash before them in a single instant. Every nook and cranny of life lived is relived and reviewed. This is the ultimate recapitulation experience that we will all encounter, an essential component of transitioning from this life to the next.
The Buddhists are particularly cognizant of this experience at death and spend a lifetime honing skills of detachment so they will not get caught in the trappings of fear, regret, or longing for life lived in this world. Lack of preparation for this encounter upon dying is a major karmic variable for future incarnations, according to Buddhist tradition, as one’s future life is influenced by enduring attachment or non-resolution of life lived in this world as one travels through this moment of recapitulation.
Though the Buddhists spend a lifetime preparing for recapitulation at the moment of death, within Carlos Castaneda’s lineage, shamans discovered that recapitulation could be consciously and volitionally performed while still in this world. These shamans discovered that by recapitulating before dying we not only enhance our options upon death, but vastly change our experience of life in this world. Through beginning an early recapitulation we are afforded the opportunity to make ourselves whole, and with our full energy available to us now, achieve fulfillment in this life.
As a clinician, I returned from my journey into the shamanic world of Carlos Castaneda with the knowledge that recapitulation was a tool for total healing. Regardless of the shattering impact of the most horrific trauma, recapitulation enables us to retrieve our fragmented selves and energies, as well as disentangle ourselves from the binding energies of others that have compromised our growth and fuller potential in this life.
Recapitulation is an inevitability. We will all recapitulate our lives when we die. If we can’t face and know the full truth of who we are and the life we’ve lived now, will we be able to do that at the moment of death? Will we be so overcome with fear, regret, and longing that we will have to return to relive it all again?
Excavating and sculpting the self…
The shaman’s gift of early recapitulation offers us the opportunity for deep fulfillment in this life, as well as the evolutionary advantage to advance beyond reincarnation upon completion of life in this world. Furthermore, recapitulation is a magical pass. Magical passes have been performed for centuries in the shaman’s world. Magical passes are imbued with the intent of all those shamans, and anyone who undertakes a recapitulation is supported by the vastly helpful intent set by those shamans.
Here is an excerpt from Jan’s upcoming book, On the Edge of the Abyss, the second year of her recapitulation series in which she experiences this intent: “It’s eerily apparent that no matter what arises in the unfolding of this process, in which Chuck and I are but a small part, there is a sense of everything fitting together. We both remarked on that yesterday, as if we had been thinking the same thoughts. In some way, my dreams always show me where to go next—deeper truths revealed while my conscious self is out of the way—while the memories come in such a way as to suggest that everything is orchestrated. And I sense that whatever or whoever is helping me is worried about my energy. I sense that it wants to keep me whole and safe, deeply caring that I arrive at a place of total healing.”
When we recapitulate we must encounter the full truthful impact of life lived. How could it be otherwise? If we skip over that, we haven’t truly retrieved and mastered our real selves and our real experiences. However, we must keep in mind that we are protected and guided by a power greater than ourselves, by the ancient intent of recapitulation. That intent is that we fully revamp our lives, that we fully sculpt our energetic selves, and that we fully release all the burdens of extraneous energies formerly bound to the experiences of the unknown self. With this now fully-known and energetically-replenished self in charge, we are freed to live life to the fullest and to fully love the life we are living.
Imagine the horror of looking in the mirror and seeing nothing. This is the experience of many young heroes who look to the world for safety, approval, encouragement, and love, only to be met by disapproving, rejecting eyes, or perhaps blank eyes incapable of meeting, or even worse, a wolf’s eyes intent upon feasting. The reaction of this young unwelcomed “me” is stinging shame, a curling inward around a deeply vulnerable full-of-potential self that protectively walls itself off and sinks into the womb of the unconscious. In its stead, the young hero self is charged with bringing life forward, awaiting the call from the deep unconscious to finally come and participate in the birthing of the true golden child when conditions are ripe for it to be born into fulfillment in this life.
The call to the journey of retrieval from the unconscious can come in many forms: a deep depression midway through life’s journey—where the energy to fund the current life has dried up, and the search for new energy to find meaning and fulfillment requires mining the depths of the unconscious to find the missing pieces of self—is a frequent prelude to the journey. Often the emergence of long walled-off traumatic memory may intrude upon consciousness in a dream, a flashback, or in powerful physical symptoms and pain. Often the call is mistaken, concretely, for physical ailment and only once that is ruled out can the real journey begin. Today too, much focus goes to genetic diseases requiring chemical cures, clouding the true meaning of the symptoms: a call to action by the deeper self.
Another complication in undertaking the journey is the veiled hope of rescue, of vindication by some mirroring person in the world to liberate and meet the deeply walled-off self. Though experiencing love can go a long way in healing, to truly be open to the intimacy and vulnerability of real love as adults we must first take the journey of inner liberation to free the unborn self from its illusions regarding love. We must first dismantle the walls of defense erected long ago to protect the golden but shamed self. To go to love without liberation is to invite dependency, fear of loss, and a persistent dark cloud of doubt around worthiness that no other person can ever remove. The search for the liberating other can mesmerize us for decades before we realize that the real needed partner for the journey is the ego self, willing to take the plunge into the darkness and find its lost soulmate, waiting within.
Love lies buried within
Dismantling the protective walls surrounding the true self is the task of recapitulation. In recapitulation, the present self—forged through years of heroic efforts—becomes the midwife to the golden self. Practically speaking, this means truly suspending judgment and being fully present to the truths of the buried self. These truths may come full of excruciating physical and emotional pain. As the present self meets the eyes of the buried self, it mirrors compassion and total acceptance, encouraging the buried self to reveal its deepest truths with all its emotional intensity. Without collapse, deep shame, rage, hatred, and sorrow are systematically allowed to be fully felt. Gradually, the power of the old feelings to shut down access to the gold is diminished.
As recapitulation progresses, it becomes clear that there is nothing more powerful than the truth of the self and its unborn potential for fulfillment. Driven by its desire for this fulfillment, the ego self welcomes and ultimately merges with its lost self in the truest of loving unions. In this mirror of acceptance, regardless of what is presented, lies the deep validation needed to encourage new life and for transformation to blossom.
With this union, the self is finally freed to open to the outer world and enjoy extraverted love and fulfillment. And now, a glimpse into the mirror reveals only the glowing golden self looking back.
