Jeanne Marie Ketchel
Channeled by Jan Ketchel
Today a reader asks a question.
Dear Jeanne,
I feel very connected to you and your soul group (since I read The Book of Us) and, as I hope you can hear, I ask every morning, in my prayers and meditation practice, for you and your group to please come near to me and whisper things in my ear, guide me and help me to keep going on the right track, my head facing forward, into infinity………I’ll keep my real name anonymous, but call myself ” Soul Trecker” just so I recognize your response back to me.
My question is: As someone who has experienced sexual violation by father and abandonment in childhood and adolescence and then re-creates the same dynamic in every intimate relationship, am I supposed to keep trying at intimacy, or stop putting my energy there in this lifetime? I have re-experienced so much panic anxiety around intimacy and am currently trying to commit to a man who triggers physical revulsion and aversion in me to such an extent that I have anxiety attacks when I even think of having sex with him. When I have to have sex with him, I have anxiety and revulsion and feel rage. I am in EMDR therapy and have recapitulated so much trauma and worked on it for many years previous to EMDR through Core-Energetic therapy and Pathwork, but it doesn’t seem to be progressing, but rather getting worse. Am I supposed to keep pushing through this to possibly have a soul movement healing breakthrough? I feel like I’m about to have a “breakdown” with the conflictual feelings in me regarding committing to this man or not committing, having sex when I don’t feel attracted. Is this just my old trigger from childhood? There is very little humor or laughter in our relationship and we are both so literal and serious about things. Can I still continue to grow if I end this quest to find fulfillment/success in intimate relationships or would I be avoiding growth? Or is it time to pull up my pants for good in this lifetime and be celibate and just have good close friends and focus on using the energy to make a bee-line for infinity? I’m tired of it down here.
Thanks,
Soul Trecker
My Dearest One, I will call you Soul Trecker as you request. It is quite an appropriate name for one who struggles to understand what life is offering to guide. For all that you relate to me in your questions is full of signs. First you must fully accept that your journey through life, though it is full of pain and discomfort, is a teaching, learning, and evolving journey. Your life, as it is laid out, is asking that you take up the challenge of it, but you must also firmly accept that you have what it takes to fully take this journey. Your challenges are many, but I underscore that you are fully capable of meeting these challenges.
That being said, I ask that you next allow your self to fully accept your past, that you allow it to become your base, your early achievements meant to lead you on your evolutionary journey, rather than a devastating and destructive beginning. For in the challenges of your early life you have set a standard of ability that is far greater in its accomplishment than you have thus far allowed your self to accept. Do you understand what I mean by this? Your child self took on challenges that your adult self has not fully acknowledged as accomplishments in evolutionary growth. Yes, I fully understand the dire circumstances in which you began your life, but I also wish to offer you a shift in your perspective, away from the conventional outlook on such a childhood. As true as the conventional assessment may be, it is far truer, if you will allow your perspective to shift, that you took the journey of a warrior child. This is my common assessment of such an early journey, and I have made this statement before to others in such predicaments. Predicaments are predicated, prescribed, in my opinion, and those who undertake such predicaments are, more often than not, up to the challenge.
Once childhood is done with the next challenge becomes to fully recapitulate with this new perspective in mind, allowing the self to revisit and relive that childhood, challenging the self to do so in the company of that warrior child self. By taking the return journey, as both a mature adult and a warrior child, all experiences have the potential to return to their original intent, that of being lessons in evolutionary growth.
If you allow the self to acquiesce to a soul’s true journey, as you wish My Dear Soul Trecker, so must you also acquiesce to the true possibility that all of your experiences were specifically prepared so that you might have the preparation to evolve beyond earth’s evolutionary phase. Your pre-laid life plan, this time around, is perhaps your greatest challenge yet, and your early childhood and adolescence, full of pain and confusion on one level were, on another level, perfect for a soul’s evolutionary journey.
My next assessment of your situation, My Dear One, is to advise a slowing down of all pursuits to reconcile outside of the self and to turn inward with your warrior child self fully appreciated, loved, and acceptable to you. You must fully know this warrior child self for the journey taken, even though that journey was taken in unawareness. As an adult you have gained clarity, and as an adult your continuing evolutionary challenge is to utilize that clarity to continue growing, but now with awareness.
Awareness of the self as being on a journey, open to guidance, and seeking more of life is clearly your intent. Your path is wide open before you, for you possess a brightness of spirit beneath the current wave of confusion and disappointment that is unparalleled and this you must uncover and tap into. This aspect of self, your inner warrior, both child self and evolving self, awaits recognition and acceptance.
This warrior self, though remaining in slumber, has alerted you often enough to take action that is evolutionary, but your tendency, My Dear, has been to flit about like a caged bird momentarily freed because the door to the cage has unexpectedly flung open; opportunity arrives and of course you take it! You fly free for the experience of such freedom, release, and potential. But, My Dear Little Birdie, you must return to the cage after such escapades in the great wide world because the cage is your home, your safety, your comfort, as well as being the place where all your mysteries lie waiting to be discovered. You see, as much as you wish to flee, to be done with your past, your relationships, your sexual frustrations, they will not be resolved by running from them, by flying from the cage that though it captivates you does so for a reason.
Now the next questions I pose to you are: Who is your captor? Who feeds you and gives you water? Who cleans your cage and makes sure that you are contented so that you will sing pretty and appear to be happy? Who is your captor, keeping you under lock and key? And Why?
I contend that you are no different than anyone else in that you are always in control of the self, even when you don’t think you are. All beings upon that earth are in the position of self-control and though the wish is to turn to another with disgust or dismay, it is really the self who keeps one locked up, and it is equally the self who allows the caged self to fly free whether it is the right time to do so or not.
We are getting now into very sensitive and complicated areas of the human psyche and it is often difficult to accept that the self, in that human form, is an entire world. Many metaphors hold great value in describing such a world. You call yourself Soul Trecker, and that is indeed appropriate, for you are on a journey that is leading you farther than you have been ready to go before. But I am going to use the metaphor of the caged bird for you, My Dear, for it offers us the opportunity to go deeply into the you of now, into the you of this moment in time. Within your cage is a tiny mirror that you love to look into, to admire your bright eyes, your sleek and shiny feathers of brilliant color. This mirror offers you companionship as well, for that other bird in the mirror is quite fun, a delight to you in your tiny world. This mirror in your cage is the metaphor for all that attracts your attention, your relationships that mirror your innermost needs, desires, truths, and mysteries. This mirror is the key to who you are, My Dear Little Birdie. This mirror holds the answers to all your questions.
Next, I am going to ask you to place yourself inside your little cage, to take it all in, to look at what you have provided for the self in order to create a working world. You have your perch of contemplation, your mirror of reflection, your bowl of nourishment, your nectar, your seed, your toys, your swings. You have your bars to cling to, your pretty beak to peck, bite, and gnaw with, etc. You have your gripping claws to perch and cling with. Your world is quite complete. You also have your wings, which you have tried many times. Now you must go deeper and ask the self why you must return to your cage over and over again. What is in there that is, as yet, undiscovered, hidden, unknown? For though you may think you know every inch of that cage and the caged self, so is there something you have been missing.
And now, I hazard a guess that this has to do with your warrior child self who you have not noticed in the cage with you. Look around and you will see that another bird has been sharing your cage all these years, and yet have you failed to notice. This bird self, this warrior bird, is the one who allows you to escape, knowing full well that you will return, for this is the inner self who knows all, but who has also been waiting for recognition.
This is the self who is leading you in every choice you make, leading you on your Soul Trecker journey, leading you always back to the true self, connected to all things. This self is inside you, but everything in your outer world, including your relationship that you speak so honestly about, is leading you back to rediscover this self. This is the beginning self, the soul self, the spiritually evolving self who asks that you reconcile your inner dilemmas without blame, without judgments, without self-hatred, and that you detach from outer blame, outer judgments, and outer hatred as well. For only in taking full responsibility for your life, your choices, and for this moment in your life will you be able to resolve the issues you pose in your questions.
I propose that your current relationship is not about your partner, but yes, as you suggest, it is about your child self and it is also about your adult self being triggered to return to that child self, not to rescue and open the cage, but to reenter the cage, look into the mirror, and recognize and accept the journey of the warrior child. That journey has set you on your course for this lifetime. You have followed your course well, made choices in your life that have continually led you along a path of growth, but a lot of your decisions have been made in the half-light of awareness, knowing that yes, you are on a journey, but not quite clear as to why or where you are going.
Now My Dear Little Birdie, it is time to return to the inner cage, taking with you all your sorrows, your feelings of revulsion and aversion that you speak of in your sexual encounters with your partner, and ask your warrior child self, that other beautiful caged self, to peck through and show you what you need to know. Your beaks are sharp, your tiny bird feet strong and sharp as well, good tools for digging even deeper. Though I know you are quite adept, intelligent, and capable of completing this life you have assigned your self, you are the only one who can master it. You will master it, not by pulling up your pants and skipping over your truths, but by discovering why you must confront the issues that repeatedly appear to repulse you. These are your challenges leading you deeper into the self, into the cage where resolution awaits your direct attention.
In outer distraction will you wallow in despair, My Dear One. In outer turning will your journey be incomplete. My Dear Soul Trecker, My Little Birdie, only in turning inward, in flying back into the cage, shutting the door, and fully living the caged life will you find what it is that will set you free. Yes, you have wings, but they will not take you far, but always turn you back to the cage at the end of the day, for that is where you must remain until your truths are fully revealed, until your inner work is complete, until the mirror is fully explored, and the doors of the inner world freely opened, with the warrior child self leading the way with the adult self as equal partner.
Of course, the biggest challenge to you, the adult, is to trust that this is so, to guide the self back to the wounded child self and begin to accept that wounded self as transforming, working hand in hand to evolve that self simultaneously with the adult self, so that wounds may heal, strengths may assert and reassert themselves, and the mysteries of the human journey may be revealed as truths of the evolutionary journey of the soul.
Your journey is largely solitary, My Dear Soul Trecker, yet must you live with others who are your earthly guides and teachers, looking to them as much as you look to me and the other spirit guides who are available to you. This is a truth that may aid you now, as you take your next step away from your perceptions of your partner as despicable. Look upon this partner as one of your greatest guides, with fondness, for you are being shown the path you must take, and that path, though it may lead in a new direction of relationship, is ultimately meant to lead you back into the cage, back to the inner work, for there is still much to do.
I hope I have answered your questions. I will end by saying that you are on an amazing journey because your awareness of the self as an evolving being is well awakened and you possess many advanced qualities. Yet must you return, I am afraid, to a well-worn path, for you have not completed your recapitulation of that path. But keep in mind that you go back this time for a specific reason, to go deeper, with a new appreciation and a new understanding of the self as a warrior.
You have always been a warrior. This is not an ego statement, but the underlying truth and that is what you must face. Then you must use this knowledge properly, to fully excavate the self, learning self-love, self-compassion, and self-trust. For only in achieving these three attributes will you be able to move out of the cage, your ego dismantled, your wounded child clearly understood, your cage fully comprehended as both necessary and proper, and your wings fully functional, with your inner brightness freed to guide you out of the cage forever.
