Today Grasshopper, as in, “the answer is in you, Grasshopper,” asks a question.

Dear Jeanne,
I am struggling over the return of a former intimate partner. I have been resisting going back to an involvement with him for almost a year now. This is a relationship in which I feel I fully express myself, and am accepted as I am, which is what the real draw is for me. But there are significant issues of addiction (alcohol addiction-his) and my avoidance of codependency in that issue. Not to mention the huge gap in our ages.

I suspect/believe/assume the addiction/codependency thing is an area in which I am supposed to be learning a lesson and, hence, I avoided the relationship when he has pursued it because I thought that was the lesson. But it’s puzzling, because it is yet another repeated experience presented to me, so often, that I keep thinking I get the lesson, and yet I still feel drawn. This is a person who is not what I am looking for in a life partner, but highly attractive in his way, who seems fated, with whom I feel that I have some kind of otherworldly attachment to, even with my full knowledge that he will not be someone I will commit to in any permanent way, AND who has some kind of addictive issue. I don’t want to be held back from finding a suitable partner with whom I can find mutual trust and ongoing healthy intimate involvement. So if I’m getting the lessons, why do they keep coming back? And where are the men with whom I could actually have a real committed relationship?

Am I supposed to be examining my judgments of myself and others? Am I supposed to be resisting my physical desires? Confronting my fear of aging, as I am approached by a young attractive man, repeatedly? All of these things I have thought about. Even as I know “the answer is in you, Grasshopper,” I feel like I’ve recapitulated endlessly around this issue. Am I doing it right? Is this just a particularly resistant issue for me? Am I over-thinking, and is that, in some way, avoiding real recapitulation?

So maybe my question is about more insight into recapitulation, as it’s related to relationship patterns, and in my case, actual repeated relationships with return partners. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time, and I can’t seem to find the right balance of honoring the relationship for it’s value in bringing my issues to light, which the relationships in question certainly have done, as they are the only ones I am drawn to repeatedly, and being the light for the other person without crossing into codependency. And I wonder if there is just some huge vat of other gunk I need to clear that I haven’t even recognized. I sure do feel like I dig deep, but why am I here again? I really feel it is time to clear the way for more positive and committed experiences.

Is this a Mephistophelean situation, the tempting by the devil, offering a taste of what he offers, in return for giving energy to him?

Ok, so anything you can offer, Jeanne, it’s greatly appreciated,
Grasshopper

My Dear One, you are caught in the web of self doubt that does afflict many who seek wholeness, both with the self and with true partnership with another resonant being. This is not only a Mephistophelean situation with energy enticing energy, but it is happening outside of you, outside energy attracting outside energy. Underneath sits the real truth, which you speak of as “resisting going back to.” Pay attention to that underlying truth and the truths you have spelled out.

If you were looking at this situation from afar, would you have a different perspective, a truer perspective? For I do think that is what you have had as this year has progressed and you withdrew from intimacy. But now you are presented with a close-up smoldering pile of energy at your door, asking for you, for your nurturing participation in feeding the big baby its bottle. Do you really wish to be in that situation again? Yes, babies are cuddly, and fun to be around, but then you have to care for them, clean up after them, and feel exhausted by their neediness and their draining of your energy. No matter how evolved they may appear, they are still big babies.

To offer the self in this manner to someone else, to offer your “light” to them, as you speak of, is to deny your own inward turning light.

Focus not on what this man offers you, for he offers only a reflection of the self, stuck in repeated patterns of behavior. He is your mirror, shiny and appealing as that beautiful mirror is, so is it reflecting not only all your own wonderful qualities, but also your own addictive qualities of interdependence and reliability on repetition of habits, much easier to resort to than to shift away from.

Women have a tendency to want to change the image of the man before them; but how can you change a mirror image? Only by changing the self. It is not your job, nor your inner desire to really change anyone else, but only your job and inner desire to change the self. Why do you repeatedly spin your wheels in front of the same mirror images, Grasshopper? Who are you looking for in those mirrors? Or better put, who are you avoiding? Who are you attempting to see in others, but not in your self?

I know you probe and ask your self all the right questions, but your mistake has been to ask them in relationship to others. To actually do a recapitulation around relationship is to take the self who approaches relationships out of the relationship, and place that self, alone, on your knee. Remove the mirror, the partner, totally from the picture. A relationship is not about the other person, it is about you. Where are you within your self? Still looking for the one true partner, the one true being who will fulfill all your dreams? Do you know that no such person exists outside of you? Don’t you know that the only place you will find such a partner is inside you?

Perhaps your question is really about the nature of relationships, and this I have spoken of, but perhaps not enough. For a true relationship to prosper and have the possibility of growth, so must each partner be able to face the dire and most tragic truths of the self, along with total acceptance of the beauty and the positive aspects of the self. The first act of recapitulation around relationship must be around love of self, acceptance of self, especially as reflected by these previous relationships you do speak quite clearly about.

You speak the words that will lead you properly, but do you hear them? Do you accept them?

From what I can see, My Dear Girl, you have not truly accepted your place in life as self, as totally enclosed, safe self. You have not refused to look into the mirrors as they appear, enticing you, saying, “Look, look what I offer!” They do not offer what you think they offer. They do not offer “fated” relationships, or gifts of “feeling” right. They only offer reflections of the self.

Where is your addiction problem? Where is your dependent neediness? Where is the aspect in you that asks the other to take over, and care, and love me? This mature you that desires to light the way for another must truly turn that desire toward the self. Find that seeking light that is buried inside your self, waiting for your nurturance of its flame.

Turn away from the mirrors. Do not look into them. Do not be enticed by romantic ideals of love, for that is where you get caught. You idealize the shiny view in the mirror, desiring, wanting what it has, but the price to get it is too high a price to pay, for it involves giving up the self, and that is not what a true relationship will entice with.

A true relationship will only entice the true self to emerge, to partake fully, and to be not only assured of safety, but expect it in return. A true partner will inexplicably be on equal ground, with not one mirror in sight; face to face; real skin, eyes, hair, mouth, touch, feel; emotions flowing; nothing hidden or secretive; no illusions, delusions, or untruths that need to be covered over, retreated from, or posed in some fashion so that you cannot see them. No hidden agenda; no questioning of, Am I doing this right? Is this the right partner? No wondering, Why am I here, again? Because it will be a place you have never been before, yet will you know that it is totally right.

Your wariness at this mirror appearing again, is your truth speaking. Your champion in this place of now, is your questing spirit putting you in a place of puzzlement and confusion, and in that place do you have your answer that, no, this is not right, for all the reasons you have already laid out.

But now what do you do? You put the mirror down gently so that you do not have to look at it again, but you take all the truths of that person and investigate your self, with them as your guide. Why must you continually look into the same mirror? You are missing some important aspects of the self that you have not quite understood correctly or thoroughly yet. Your illusions about the self must be cracked and broken, not the other person. So do not hurt the other, but simply turn the mirror down, face it back upon him, who must also do his own work in the mirror.

There are mirrors all around you. Every day do you encounter reflections of the self in others. Turn all those mirrors now to the inner spirit, and recapitulate the self, not the relationships, or the others involved, but only the self.

Yes, I know you want a relationship with a man, the right man, and you want it now. But wait, My Dear, for your true self to emerge, so that it does meet the true self of another evolving being. Only then will you emerge from the hall of mirrors and enter into living life in true reality of self. And in that world will you meet others who have also emerged from the House of Mirrors, and live in truth with the self; no ideals; no illusions; no shiny presentations, coated with possibility. In that place of self love, self safety, self nurture, and utter self truth, are there no shiny surfaces; no requests for your energy, but only an equal and vital exchange of energetic giving, and giving, and giving. Partners of truth do not drain each other, nor do they request personal feeding. But they grab you by the hand and say, “Come on, let’s go,” without dilemma, or conflict, or doubt. Yes, with some hesitation will you take in the clarity of seeing another person boldly displaying their every truth without cover of addiction, or shrouded in neediness; but no attempts to confuse or deceive will be present, so your eyes may not be able to take in the clear picture before you, but your inner spirit will know. And what it will know is that no romantic ideal could ever match perfect truth of self.

I think, My Dear Grasshopper, that it is time for you to stop looking in mirrors. Find your self, your beauty, your inner truths, and even your specks of addictive and needy qualities that still linger. Do not look for the man outside of you now, but look for the man inside of you, and merge with him. Only then, in your own masculine/feminine wholeness will you meet another, also balanced in inner masculine/feminine wholeness, to match your energy and your desire to grow. For that must always be what fuels a living spirit, the desire to grow.

So All of You Readers, merge first with your self, with your truths, with your romantic ideals of the self. Reconcile every aspect, every speck of unfinished business about what you seek in another, first within the self. Then will you be ready to meet your match. It may not appear as you suspect, for it will not approach as a mirror does, but in a completely fantastic manner, as the universe sees fit, not as you imagine or would like to perceive based on the old notions of love and romance. But it will unfold as it will, for your grand benefit, as you pass your tests, and find that, yes, you have learned your lessons of the self at last! And the universe will reward you with a special gift for your work well done.

I wonder how your gift will arrive, Grasshopper? On a blade of grass? On a drop of dew? In the early morning light as you flex your wings and look around you in the light of a new day, the sun peaking out and saying, Wake up, Grasshopper, it’s Graduation Day? I await your discovery of the self. And now, All of You Seekers must truly turn inward, and work hard, for that new day is coming soon.

Anonymous asks Jeanne a question today.

Dear Jeanne,
In the bigger picture of us as energetic beings, what purpose or role does our sexuality play in regards to our evolutionary growth?
Anonymous

My Dear Reader, as a human being your sexuality is a defining factor in your life, your lives, and your evolution. As a sexual being are you guided through life and your many lives, constantly confronted with the challenges of the body, the vehicle of transport through that level of evolutionary progress. Your body, as your vehicle, must be attended to, and your progress is attached heavily to how you master it, learn from it, and eventually release from it. It is not only your vehicle, but your entry into understanding what is available to you and what comes next, for it is how you enter life and are presented with all of your challenges, your tests, and your master plan for doing your life upon that Earth; your many lives.

As your vehicle, your body offers many opportunities for growth. It provides many tests, and many of these, throughout your lives, will be of the sexual sort, posed for evolutionary purposes. For within the sexual aspects of the self lie many opportunities to present the challenges necessary for eventual evolution. To learn freedom from judgments; to allow the full expression of the human experience; to achieve innocent conjugal interconnectedness; and to present the self with all the challenges of procreation, and the learning of love and compassion, are at the root of sexuality. To understand your place in the universe stems from the fact that you began life as the result of sexual activity. You are a sexual being, and you will always remain so, for sexual energy is an example of the intensity of real energy as it is carried on into other lives. (Procreation is the means by which the evolutionary journey begins. In some manner, we are all a part of that process, either in being given the opportunity to take our own journeys, or allowing others the opportunity to take their journeys. —Jan)

Glimpses of exuberance, alive energy, channeled into one activity are presented during the sexual act, with the possibility of experiencing not only physical climax, but the opening of your energetic connection to infinity. (The opportunity to become a channel for another soul.) If you are not sexually energetic in this lifetime so will you be in another, or perhaps you have already been confronted with many aspects of sexual propensities in past lives. During your soul’s journey you can bet you have had, or will have, encounters with human sexuality, both your own and others. For human sexuality is not experienced alone in fulfillment, but only with another equally resonant human being.

That was my own dilemma, as Jeanne Marie Ketchel, to find my fulfillment as a sexual energy being. I did ultimately find it in my energy body, though I sought its fulfillment in my physical body. I did not need its resolution there though, for I had another more important issue to attend to related to sexuality and procreation. In a previous life had I lived the life of a prostitute, a well-known Madam, and during that lifetime did I not only explore, but fully accept my sexuality. But I also presented myself with the problem of procreation; the result of the sexual act, and eventually the act of abandonment of the child I had produced became the issue. As that issue remained unresolved in that lifetime, so did I carry it in to my life as Jeanne, who lived the life of a child who did not know her birth mother. The birth mother, the sexual being I had emerged from, gave me the mystery of my life to solve, and resolve. But ultimately, that issue emerged from my own sexual self in that previous life. So you see, your sexual self is a many-faceted being, and certainly needs to be listened to, attended to, and ultimately resolved.

In the annuls of restrictions set upon you by others, such as religious upbringing, parents, and the societies you live in, lie the challenges to be first overcome. But that is merely fluff compared to what lies within the self that poses the greatest barriers and ideas regarding who you are as a sexual being. All of you are sexual beings, have no doubt about that, and no denial of that truth.

Sexuality is a pure and basic aspect of the human form and function. How do you choose to approach that aspect of the self? I propose that you find your true inner self, the you who resides in truth and knowing, the one who does not abide by the outer rules imposed upon you by others, but only by the inner truths of innocence and purity of journey.

To live your life fully, must you allow yourself to be guided by that innocent you. Not the child, but the spirit self who loves, trusts, knows fully what it has to offer, and knows fully what is right to accept in a loving relationship. Deviant behaviors and undercurrents of evil intent are aspects of a spirit’s journey that must be encountered, but even such behaviors have the possibility of being diffused as innocence and truth emerge and take over.

Your evolutionary journey is comprised of: your soul’s selections for growth, the challenges presented, as well as the physical form you have elected to inhabit at each rebirth. There are no mistakes, no wrong selections, no wrong turns as you elect and begin your life. All aspects of who you are, including your sexual self, are totally legitimate and defining aspects of this journey you are on.

To fully recapitulate and discover who you are must the puzzle of the physical and sexual self be probed, and fully uncovered, or you will have residual aspects to attend to in a future life. To meet and express with another your full sexual innocence is the goal. To fully allow resonant sexual energy to express itself, merging with your own, is offering your self the opportunity to become whole, and wholly resolved as a human entity.

There are so many aspects of the human body that are repeatedly presented with necessity of attendance to; not only the sexual aspect, but body image, the desires and hungers of the body, the thoughts and confusions, the appetites and dislikes, the ego and the inner spirit; the tugs-of-war that are presented not only by the body, but by the outer world’s expectations and the proclivities of the societies you reside in. I can say this though, that as you recapitulate and do your inner work, so will you find that innocent sexual resonance, and discover that it has nothing to do with what you have learned about sex, or what is currently being taught or researched. It has only to do with pure expression of the innocent self. It can resolve in a most unusual manner, the question of your sexuality. But it must be an expression of your true innocent spirit as you tap into your pure energy. When that is released will you understand what it means to merge your sexual energy with another of like resonance.

I did present myself with quite a challenge as Jeanne Marie Ketchel. For although I did resolve many of my sexual issues in a previous life, so was I still presented with fulfillment of what comes after that, and that was, and is, the challenge of discovering true love and compassion for the self first and foremost, for only then will it be possible to achieve it on a universal level.

I propose, as always, that you continue your process of self-discovery by removing the outer world from your inner work. Do your inner work based on your inner truths of the self, freed of the judgments of others. Once you discover the true self, and begin to allow it to live your life, unafraid because it knows that everything is meaningful and meant to happen, so will you find fulfillment in all aspects of your life. Allow your true sexual being to emerge too. It may not be as you think it is now, while you still struggle with issues to be resolved. For many of you, your innocence will surprise you.

Live life to the fullest of your innocent potential, My Dear Reader. Seek not sexuality, but expression of your inner self as a sexual being, and in so doing merge the two, your inner you and your body you, the two most compatible aspects of your life. But perhaps you haven’t gotten to that place of mergence with the self yet? Don’t worry, you are fully capable of merging and, I think, most aware that you are just about to do so. Does that answer your question?

Good Luck, All of You Sexual Beings. You are going to find out who you really are only as you discover your innocence. It awaits, it holds all the answers to you and your full potential.