Jeanne Marie Ketchel
Channeled by Jan Ketchel
Today we have a question from a reader asking for guidance around a relationship issue that Jeanne had previously addressed in Message #586 Why Must You Return to Your Cage?
Hello again Dear Jeanne and Jan,
Several months ago, when I was still in relationship with my “soul twin” male partner, I wrote to you. I was in a state of confusion and anxiety about whether to continue being in a sexual relationship with him because for 2 years it had been triggering trauma and an aversion reaction linked to sexual violation and abandonment by my father when I was a child and teenager. I couldn’t bear it any longer and wanted to know if I should just end it and stop trying to have sex with men, because it just seemed to re-create the same awful cycle, ending every time with my aversion, revulsion, rejecting them or myself and then pushing them away.
In response to my inquiry you had written, through Jan, that I needed to go back into my cage once more, and that R was like a mirror that reflected back to me all the parts of myself that I did not want to see, the darkness, and that before I could spread my wings and fly away to be free, I had to hunker down and do the deep inner work and face my self in that cage.
I feel like R and I had made a soul contract previously, to come together to do this stretch of intensified work together over the last 2 years. We triggered each other’s early child wounds so perfectly and kept them activated, accelerating our movement forward, the pain motivating us both to keep working until it came to a point where it couldn’t continue. I didn’t exactly understand what you meant when you wrote to me. But then R suddenly, and with non-negotiable finality, ended our relationship, gathered up his remaining belongings and was gone for good within 10 minutes. He soon after that announced that he was going away for 6 months. I went into such a deep and scary journey, meeting so many personal deaths, feeling like a limb was cut off, and it sent me into places inside myself that I don’t think I’ve even more than scratched the surface of before. Layers of the bands of armoring around the excruciating pain of my inability to access my love for my father because of the hurt and betrayal and therefore my inability to really love the men in my life, the unwillingness to really love them, under the anxiety. There is such a narcissistic sense of entitlement around expecting men to make up for what my father didn’t do for me. I only want the man to meet my needs and I don’t really care about the man’s needs. In fact I resent and am angered and disgusted by the needs of the man. I have sex with men as a way to ensure that I get taken care of and not abandoned, which of course does not work. It simply perpetuates what happened with my dad over and over. In conclusion, I realize that I am still in a pre-oedipal moving into oedipal stage of my sexual development. I get that. I’m 55 and going on 6. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be ready to have adult sex in this lifetime.
On the other hand, being a Libran, I truly long to learn how to really love and be in a healthy relationship. I love companionship, I love affection, I love communication, and I love romance above all, if it’s with a man that I am attracted to, energetically and heart-wise. Even though I felt disemboweled, like my intestines were dropping out, like I was liquefying inside when it ended with R and he announced that he was going away for so long (the perfect re-creation of my abandonment issue with my dad), on another level, I felt that I had dug my way further to China than I ever had before in terms of getting closer to accessing the original love I had for my dad under all the negativity I project out onto him and the men in my life. I feel that somehow I have gotten closer to the possibility of learning to really love and want to meet the needs of a man, more than ever before. I feel hopeful, though more alone than ever before, my worst nightmare.
I pray every morning to you, Jeanne, and your soul group to stay close to me and whisper into my ear what I need to hear so that I will remember that I am energy moving forward into infinity.
My question Jeanne is, did I meet my self fully in the cage, in that reflection that R held for me? Is there anything else I am not seeing, any shadows that I am avoiding? I want to go for the “Full Monty” while I am catapulting through this accelerated growth period. Am I completed with R? It feels like it. I want to learn to love. I want to stop hating men, stop refusing to see and respond to their needs, and stop just using them for meeting my own needs, like a selfish child. I want to become an adult.
Thanks for listening. Please communicate if there is anything you can tell me that I need to do for completion re: what you said about the time in “the Cage ” with myself.
Soul Trecker, returning from the outer inner galaxies
My Dearest One, I feel your pain and see you in the shadows of your inner self, still searching for that which you lost. To refer to your self in the cage, looking into the mirror, as presented by this man in your life, is but Stage One of your progress. To understand that he was offering you the gateway to your inner work and to allow him to stay present in your life through much turmoil was quite a feat. That he has removed himself from your cage is a definite sign that you do not need him anymore. He has shown you what you need to know about the self and where your inner work lies. Do not regret your companionship with this man, for he has been your greatest ally, though now you must go deeper, and this deeper work must be done alone.
For all intents and purposes, yes, you are done with your relationship with R, but it might not be under the terms that you perceive. You are done because, as I said, he no longer offers you anything new, simply a replaying of the old scenarios, the old behaviors and emotions that will remain in stagnant rehearsal until a shift is achieved. By his removal he offers you this gift of shift. It is not time to look outward for new companionship, but only to look inward for companionship with self that will lead you to self-compassion, self-love, and self-truth.
I do not ask you to forgive or to simply move on, but I suggest that, in order to truly resolve your deep issues of rejection, abandonment, and desire for completion, the only place to look now is deeper inside the self. You do not need mirrors now, My Dear Soul Trecker. Your mirrors are but pictures pasted upon a wall now, the same pictures you have seen for many years. It is right for your companion to leave you to your inner work, and it is right for you to turn your head under your wing and find out what else lies waiting inside you.
Your resolve to grow and your prayers for wholeness do not go unheard. Your first step each day must be to turn to the self and trust that you carry within all that you need. Your habitual looks outward must turn continually inward as you ask your self to show you where to go next. What do I still need to learn about myself? What is it that I have not truly resolved yet? If I cannot find true happiness, contentment, and peace within myself, I will not find it outside of myself either, so what is it that I am missing? Indeed, that is the question that must be presented to the self.
Do not doubt that you are on a journey of evolutionary growth. Do not pause upon questions of doubt regarding your place of growth, relationship, companionship, or the possibilities of intimacy in the future. At this point, such conjecture is not appropriate, for the future has many possibilities, as yet unseen, and you have not completed enough steps of the inner work to be shown those future steps yet.
I do not mean to discourage you, but to offer you the true insight that you must always carry within: Everything is Possible! I suggest that you admonish your self, quite harshly, for bemoaning your fate; that you become the appropriate adult director of your life’s learning journey; that, although you may not feel mature in relationship, you are fully adult and have within the necessary maternal/paternal tools to parent your self. Do not ever doubt your abilities or your journey. You are fully taking the journey you subscribed to, that you found necessary to take, and that you must take in order to free your self of having to repeat it, both in this life and in the next, for that is always a possibility too.
Reconfirm your commitment to SELF. This is your greatest challenge, My Dear: YOU! There is no other person upon that earth to look for or hope for at this point. You must embrace your aloneness, love your self in your aloneness, and nurture and parent your self through your alone time, as you have never done before.
When your partner left the sanctity of your cage he left the door open, but this does not symbolize a time of flight for you. It symbolizes a time of openness to outer energy that will find its way to you, presenting you with what you need, as you continue your inner work.
You, your SELF, will know when the inner process is completely done in Stage One, so that you may begin the Second Stage of your evolution. You will know when you have finished with all that has so far controlled your feelings, emotions, and decisions. How will you know? You will change. You will think, feel, act, and choose differently. But most of all, you will look inwardly for your answers, and you will fully trust and know that your little bird heart has all the answers. You will no longer fear the self, as you do now.
In conclusion, I advise that you tidy your cage, not in anger at the loss of your companion, but only so that your inner work may be focused, balanced, and calmed by the presence of neatness and beauty all around you. It is time to clean house, to get rid of all that is non-essential, to simplify and find only that which is peaceful and perfect for you alone to have in your presence. Your cage must now reflect the changes thus far achieved in the inner you.
It is time to bring the new inner you outward. This will aid you in seeing your growth. It will no longer be a reflection of the other, but purely a representation of the inner other, the one you have been searching so diligently for. This is where you will find your new love, you know: inside the self.
Thank you to Soul Trecker for sharing her journey on this site, and I also want to share my own story, related to hers, as an illustration of interconnection, synchronicity, the struggle to determine right action, and how guidance can come so unexpectedly when you are open to receiving it.
I have known Jan and Chuck for many years, and they are aware of an ongoing relationship in my life with a man whose childhood also involved abuse. It’s a very loving, but difficult relationship, with many separations, during which I struggle with compassion for his journey, the “triggering” of my own issues, a see-saw of heart vs. head conflict in determining right action, and also knowledge that my own life requires forward movement. I receive guidance in much the same way as Jan does, by entering a calm, meditative state and writing the words that come to me, although Jeanne has never spoken to me directly. My guidance comes, I believe, from a sort of “collective unconscious” source, through an entity that serves as my connection to that source. In addition, guidance often comes in other ways, by hearing a song at a specific moment that connects to my thoughts, or hearing a sound that punctuates a sudden insight.
Chuck’s recent “don’t ask/oops I asked” blog coincided with another event in my life with this man that reminded me how important it is that I not involve myself in codependent interactions with him. Then yesterday’s question from Soul Trecker, who I remember from her earlier post because of her similarity to my partner’s issues, struck me again. I sat reading it, and said aloud, “aw, Jeanne” (as in “there ya go again, speaking to me through your answer to someone else”) and I immediately felt this incredibly loving presence, almost like an embrace. I said “Jeanne, is that really you?” and heard “yes, dear” and as more started to come I scrambled to get a pen. This is what came to me:
“You are surrounded by loving guides who hear your every plea. Do not give up on this quest. Your heart-centered journey is teaching you much. You must be as willing to leave this dear soul to do his work as you have been diligently doing yours. Allow time; continue to give your compassion as this is his most trusted source.” I believe it was Jeanne, it felt different than the channels that I usually receive, and I felt very overcome by emotion and gratitude, because I needed someone to tell me that I am doing the right thing.
We all are surrounded by guidance, at all times. I’ve come to believe that our guides are wise enough to leave us to puzzle on our own when that will bring us the most benefit, and to give us just the piece we need to spur us to continue when the time is right. I’ve also come to believe that our willingness to take our individual journeys progressively opens us to more direct forms of guidance. Sharing our experiences in forums such as this is very valuable. You never know when your words might touch someone and bring helpful insight, not necessarily by suddenly hearing Jeanne’s words directly (although I am incredibly grateful that happened), but possibly just through the commonalities which spark recognition, which lead to increased clarity. In that way we serve as guidance for each other. Thank you for sharing yourself, Soul Trecker, and I encourage you to trust that the answers you need will come to you when you need them, in some form that makes sense to you.