Today, Eva asks Jeanne some questions.
I am struggling like crazy. Who am I? What am I? Where am I? The confusion and anxiety are endless.
I am struggling immensely over what kind of mother I am. I know I need to make healthy boundaries for my little one, but it literally terrifies me.
I moved here recently, and I panic about if it’s the right place.
I feel like I cannot relate to my husband, and I get angry about every little thing he does.
I don’t like almost all people, yet I feel like I need them.
I feel inadequate and incompetent on so many levels; it makes me spin with anxiety.
And I’m weepy, weepy, weepy, yet never getting a satisfying cry. It’s like my emotions are wavy, going up, down, all over the place.
How can I deal with this? I feel so alone.
My Dearest Eva, your troubles do not stem from inadequacy or incompetence, but from the little girl inside of you who asks you to guide her, even as your little one needs guidance. As a mother are you learning what it means to be responsible for the children you bring into the world; how to set boundaries (as you call them); how to guide them to learn what life is all about. You have two little girls to nurture and guide, and that appears to be causing your greatest confusion.
All other problems stem from this inner truth. You have allowed your inner child self to have too much power and now, as you see her reflected in your daughter, do you find that her actions are unacceptable, but she has not been instructed in how to act outside of your inner self.
Now as your own responsibilities increase, as you deal with being a citizen in the worlds of parenting and partnership, and a community member, does your inner child protest the change in position and power she has commanded all these many years.
I see that you have a queen sitting upon the potty throne, yet does she not know the first thing about command or presence in the world. She has lived in her own kingdom, even as you have grown up and gone on to become a mature woman, mother, and wife. She has remained upon her throne. Yet, if you look closely at her throne it is not the throne of an adult priestess-in-charge, but merely a baby replica upon which she sits and fusses. For you have left her there as you have gone on into the world of reality.
Your first step in gaining balance in your life must be to calmly center your self each day. To pray mantras of safety and centering; to consciously shift your self into your adult self often, throughout your day, in order to be Eva the Great, the Ruler of the Land you Inhabit.
Your child self will protest greatly, but you must proceed, no matter how much she tantrums. You must do the same with your own daughter, showing her how the world works; teaching her the rules, showing her the paths available, giving her choices within the restrictions of life. For even as you wish life to be free and easy, so are there rules to follow, laws to abide by, and general rules of conduct that must be taught, learned, and adhered to, in order for functionality to become simply a habit.
You must teach your child that the rules apply so that certain aspects of life may be dealt with easily, without forethought; so that right becomes clearly delineated from wrong; so that truth becomes known; and so that deceit, lies, and untruths do not prevent growth and progress. These issues and rules apply to the inner world and the outer world; the inner child and the outer child.
Who are you? You are, as I said, Eva the Great. You are an adult, a mature woman who lives upon that earth and has come very far, done many things; achieved a place now. Your place of residence, your home that you wonder about as being the right place, is of course the right place. You are there because you must be there, confronting aspects of the self within those walls, discovering the little queen residing within, who seeks to overthrow Eva the Great and take over this kingdom of home.
Your young one does not know the rules of this world, and especially the rules of the Kingdom of Eva. (I speak of your inner child, as well as your physical daughter, when I speak of your little one, so you must relate to both at once.) Your little queen is lost in this world of reality. The only thing she can do is sit upon her throne, already established as her territory, for she knows no other. Now must you determine how you want your home and your kingdom to be. You wish for calm, for balance, for sensitivity, for life to flow, and for old ideas of the self to shift so that your life may proceed on a more even keel. Your balance is most important as you continue this task of integration. For that is what your battles are about; integrating the parts of the self that have lived separate lives, struggling alone in their own worlds, each seeking to remain in command, while you, Eva the Great, have forged ahead into life.
Your problems are quite solvable, My Dear, but you must anchor your self. Look around at all that you have achieved. Look upon your world with a new vision; not of crumbling world in disaster, but as pieces of a puzzle that you are slowly picking up, examining, and placing together in a manner that is most pleasing to you. You are creating your own world now. All of the pieces exist, you just have to see them as not only present, but as ready partners for this time in your life. Even your anxiety, your weeping, your flow of emotions are part of that puzzle. Your home, your husband, your daughter, your inner child self, and all the people outside of you are members of your kingdom. What do you want your kingdom to look like, My Dear Eva?
Yes, who are you? What are you? Where are you? Have I given you an idea? Have I offered you a new way to view your self? In reality, are you strong, capable, clear, and safe in your world. You are fully in charge. You are a competent woman, a responsible mother, a worthy partner to your lost husband. I do not mean to talk about him in a derogatory way, but he is far from you, in his own world; present, but not present in your world. Do your separate worlds collide? Or do they open their doors and windows to each other, to exchange pleasantries and much more? Do your worlds offer possibilities of convergence, of exchange of ideas, of possibilities to grow, to mature together upon the same path, for as long as that path may run? These things must you of course ponder, but I suggest that you take one thing at a time. Prioritize your conflicts, your battles, and tackle them one at a time.
The boundary issues with your daughter are confronted by all who wish to raise children of conscience and of heart upon that earth. Your job as a mother is to teach, to love, to nurture, but also to allow your child to experience the world. Her own world will be different from your world, but this can only be true if you allow her to discover this. She will not wish to grow up confined to your kingdom alone. But she must be allowed to discover that there are other kingdoms. For how will she evolve if she is restricted and unable to maneuver in the world outside of Eva?
Your child is lent to you, so that you may aid in the evolution of mankind; so that you may offer the world an evolving being who will, in turn, offer the world some new perspective that will aid in the progress of all. Teach your child what you already know about the world, about how it works, but do dare your self to allow her to teach you what you are afraid of. Allow her the freedom to explore, even as you show her the rules and the expectations that she needs to learn in order to navigate the world, even as you have had to learn.
I caution that you not be too strict, but that you be strict enough; that you not be too protective, but protective enough; that you not be overly loving, but loving enough; that you not inhibit, smother, or burden her, but that you protect, guide, and allow her the freedom she needs to explore her own world. Her own world is not your world, though she resides in your world for now. She has come to you to learn how the world works, and that is what you must teach her. She does not live in the kingdom of little queen Eva either, and you must not burden her with that aspect of who you are, for in so doing will you sadly burden her with baggage that belongs to you alone.
Your roles are many, and even as you must struggle to integrate your parts of self, so must you maintain your separate roles; keeping them in balance and functioning. Your integration of self will greatly aid in this process. Only as you truly learn about who you are inside, will your outer mature you find her calm place in the world. I speak here of the true value of recapitulation. It is the process whereby you find all the pieces of that puzzle I spoke of, pick them up, examine them, and place them upon the picture of your life, as you construct the true you.
Who are you really, My Dear One? You are all the parts and aspects you have already encountered, and you are also unfulfilled because you have not met the parts of self yet to emerge. But you are doing a good job discovering who you are, what you are, and why you exist.
Your job now is to construct and reconstruct, telling your inner child the story of your past together, while you simultaneously construct and tell your little flower, in this new reality, the true story of your life together. You are the creator of your own reality. As you find your balance and your calm center, use this knowledge to anchor you in the world. You will know what is right as you stay aware of your creative powers to construct the life you need, desire, and want for you, your child, and your husband. If your construction so far is not right; if you are not happy with the work you have done, so do I say that your truths of this will be revealed as you do the work on the self.
Each day do you have the opportunity to do the work of the self. Each day is a new day, with new creative opportunities, and new ideas to flourish. Give your self permission to be in charge of your life, for you must grant your self this power in order to progress. All must do this in order to evolve. For how can you evolve, if you are not in control of your powers? All must learn the rules, and how the world works, in order to fully utilize the powers being offered. Otherwise, is your energy wasted; unchanneled; uncontained in self; spent; undone; drawn outside of you; offered to outside entities seeking to steal it from you.
So to conclude, My Dear Eva, do I suggest that you begin to allow your self to accept your own power. Recognize that your daughter has her own power; that your husband has his; that the people around you have theirs. Your job is to accept that this is true for all and then, without judgment of how others elect to use their power, determine that you will use yours to grow, to teach, to learn, and to nurture your self and your child.
Your inner and outer worlds will begin to merge, more clearly defined yet also more clearly combined, as you continue to do the work of the self. Good luck with your journey in the kingdom of Eva, and the kingdom you continually create!