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Chuck's Blog

Chuck’s Place: I Want

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In the beginning was the child…
-Photo by Jan Ketchel

Yes, there really is a part of the self that simply is all about me. Born in childhood, this spark of me-ness is our earliest ego state that simply needs, wants, and expects to be given to. And at that stage of life this narcissism is healthy and necessary; it’s all about survival.

Fairly quickly the needs and expectations of powerful others require us to suppress our needs, delay gratification, and give as well as take—all technologies to form a mature adult ego. This socialization of the child ego state greatly curtails its self-centeredness, which slips into the shadows of the unconscious, hidden but hardly dormant. Polite as we might appear to be outwardly, inwardly or covertly the child still wants and gets, in some form.

In our time, new apps appear daily to rapidly cater to all our wants. In America our new president has become the poster child for entitlement. The child ego state has been freed from the shadows, its narcissism given full legitimacy as a national policy.

The wanting child has truly come of age. We are all being asked to grapple with our own wanting child ego state. However, in approaching this inner child ego state, we must be careful to distinguish between it and the many parts of the self that appear in the form of the child and are in fact not the child ego state, what I refer to instead as the child image. The child ego state itself is a universal non-personal inherited psychic structure much like a limb or any other part of the body which serves a necessary function in life. The function of the child ego state in young childhood is simply to procure, as it is too immature to give or care for itself. In contrast, the child image reflects the personal history of the personality’s unfolding in this life.

Often, an inner child image, not the child ego state, may represent a split off part of the self that was abused or neglected in childhood and had to be packaged up and stored away, often somewhere in the body, forgotten to the conscious mind. This part of the personality holds a memory that  may be triggered into awareness by a current event, seeking some kind of recognition and reconciliation with the rest of the personality. This is not the wanting child, this is the traumatized child’s experience seeking peace through integration.

A symbolic child image is also frequently encountered in dreams of  pregnancy, or simply having a child, which might represent the development of a new potential in the personality. Hence, one might decide to start a new career, enterprise, or relationship, all starting in an embryonic state, needing the conscious care of a parent/adult ego state to support and bring to fruition.

A dream variation on this theme might be finding oneself back in grammar school, high school, or college, having to learn something. Here, information or skills we missed in our formative years might need attention, asking our current adult ego state to humbly attend to an underdeveloped part of the self.

Having considered these other permutations of the child image self, we need to consider how best to deal with our structural child ego state. First, we should acknowledge that the child is the true home of innocence in the personality. This innocence has been extolled as the only state worthy of entering heaven.

Innocence approaches the world with curiosity and awe, unencumbered by preconceptions and rules. Of course, this innocence will be wounded by Buddha’s greatest discovery: life is suffering. No-one can escape the ultimate reality of old age, sickness and death. Nonetheless, under the tutelage of the adult ego state, “mature” innocence, that can remain open despite the vulnerabilities and inevitabilities of these truths, may find full expression in adult life.

As to the wants of the child ego state, these may be largely under the compulsive dominance of instincts, be it for food, power, stimulation, or attention. The challenge for the adult ego is to help its child ego state become free from the instinctive dominance of its basic needs so that they may be incorporated into adult life in a fulfilling way. Keep in mind that free will can only exist within the limits of consciousness, which is a function of the adult ego state. Beyond those limits there is the mere compulsion of the child ego state. For instance, a sexual impulse, delayed, might ultimately become the foundation of a real loving relationship versus a narcissistic release with a casual hookup. The adult ego state can reconcile and integrate the energy and power of human animal instinct with true relatedness and spiritual love.

The essential challenge with the demanding “I want” child self is to transform it to coexist with the legitimate needs of others. The child ego state dominating in adulthood is largely anachronistic, non-adaptive to a reality beyond “me.” To achieve fulfillment of wants, those wants must be channeled and transformed through the adult ego state that can navigate the world as it really is and find a home for all its deepest needs, within the greater self as well as in the world. That is recognition and reconciliation in maturity!

I want maturity,

Chuck

Chuck's Blog

Chuck’s Place: The Tripartite Self

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All begin as the Child... - Detail from artwork by Jan Ketchel
All begin as the Child…
– Detail from artwork by Jan Ketchel

If we examine the inner workings of our everyday mind, we will likely discover three distinct characters: the Child, the Adult, and the Wise One.

The Child may be observed as the one who immediately reacts with fear as the day begins or when the day ends. The Morning Child may fear what bad things await in the day, whereas the Evening Child may fear what may pop out and surprise it in the darkness of the night.

The Child might constantly feel it has done something wrong; it’s in trouble; it’s not as good as everyone else; it’s simply inadequate and flawed. Perhaps the Child holds a secret belief that it truly is unlovable, that it must hide and cover up for fear of being exposed as simply a fraud—deep shame indeed.

The Child might lodge itself in the throat or the jaw or the heart, its tension shutting down the deeply opening and releasing breath of abdominal breathing. Or the Child might pressure for constant physical activity—running, spinning, climbing—racing in some form to release its fear in constant activity. Or, in contrast, the Child might remain sluggish and hidden, seeking never to attract the attention of interaction that threatens exposure, failure, and disappointment.

The Adult is the ego self. In one form or another the Adult is formed to manage the needs, feelings, and beliefs of the Child self. Donald Winnicott, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, proposed the term “false self” to capture the compensatory nature of the adult ego that tries to cover up the felt deficiencies of the now subterranean child self. This falseness is a kind of inflation where the Adult wears a mask that suggests talent or competency, when the truth is that it’s really covering areas of deep doubt within. For example: a man who is terrified of woman might don the mask of Don Juan and become a conqueror of women, or a woman might play the role of seductress to secure a babysitter for her frightened child self, afraid to be alone in the night.

Beyond its falseness, the Adult ego is the legitimate heir or chief navigator of this life in the body. The ego ate the apple in the Garden, it is the center of consciousness and decision making. It is a powerhouse in its own right and for better or worse must steer the ship of our choices.

Our Adult self seeks balance of masculine and feminine... - Photo of art by Jan Ketchel
Our Adult self seeks balance of masculine and feminine…
– Photo of art by Jan Ketchel

Appropriately, the Adult must turn its attention toward securing its place in the world. A living must be made, basic needs must be met. The Adult must become the hero that charts the course to survival and perhaps thrives in the daily adventures of life. Depending on a host of factors, such as DNA, family of origin, finances, and relationships, the Adult ego might find itself confident and solidly grounded, adventurous and daring, or it might be barely holding on in the most basic of life’s challenges.

Regardless, however, of the degree of ego success, the truth is that all egos are equally confronted with the truth that life in this world will end, and that a far more comprehensive world awaits in death, where particles are waves—where everything is energy—and there is nothing solid to hold onto.

Fortunately, in the background of the self is the Wise One, the quiet voice in the depths of ourselves that reconnects us with the fruits of the Garden. The Wise One tells us the truth when we ask it what to do. Often there’s a moment of calm, of clarity, when we’re told, see, or know the truth—what is right action. Should we continue in this relationship? Should we eat this food, take this drink? Should we take this job? Should we speak the truth?

The Wise One generally does not press us. It realizes the futility of teacher approaching student. And so, often the Wise One sits back and let’s life with all its consequences be the elementary school teacher. When we’ve accrued enough knowledge through willful failures we become ready to ask and acquiesce to the guidance of the Wise One within and begin to choose right action as our life’s modus operandi.

Our Wise One is always in balance... - Detail of cover painting from KRSNA: The Supreme Personality of Godhead
Our Wise One is always in balance…
– Detail of cover painting from KRSNA: The Supreme Personality of Godhead

Much of life is spirit developing a homogenous whole between the heterogenous entities of these tripartite selves of Child, Adult, and Wise One. The Child is the channel to our deepest needs and innocence. The Adult is our greatest hope for reconciliation and karmic advance in the sea of oppositions we must confront within and without in this life. The Wise One is our truest guide who holds the wisdom of countless generations and past lives, as well as access to life beyond space and time. But the Wise One will only come to us in a meaningful way if we assume full responsibility for life in this world and preparation for life beyond this world as well, or at the very least are humbly ready to listen. Such is the mystery and magic of the tripartite, holy trinity of self.

Homogenizing,
Chuck

Note: Although no reference is given to the illustrator of the work pictured above that we have chosen to represent the Wise One within us all, the painting is from the cover of KRSNA: The Supreme Personality of Godhead by His Divine Grace A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, Founder of the International Society of Krishna Consciousness. With thanks and gratitude!

Chuck's Blog

Chuck’s Place: Safety

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One of the scary dogfighters in the sky... - Photo by Jan Ketchel
One of the scary dogfighters in the sky…
– Photo by Jan Ketchel

As we drove past the Rhinebeck Aerodrome in the midst of a dogfight in the sky, a golden retriever with leash dragging scurried toward our car. I stopped, opened the car door, and the dog immediately leaped in and planted itself on my lap.

I could feel the dog’s terror and need for safety. He was at home with us and would have moved forward in life from that moment, never leaving our safety, never looking back. We diligently went in search of it’s owner and eventually discovered his whereabouts. He was deeply engrossed in the planes in the sky, with no consideration of his dog’s terror of loud noises. The dog was so planted in our car, clinging for dear life, that I ultimately and sadly had to lift its frozen statue frame from the car to send it back on its journey. We watched as it was led away, slunk low to the ground, peering to the right and to the left, seeking safety once again as the bombs went off overhead.

Domesticated animals are ultimately dependent on their “owners” for their safety and survival. This is the contract they make in domesticated form. Though their instincts are fully available to protect them, their survival is largely delegated to their owner.

Humans, in contrast, are charged with taking adult responsibility for achieving safety for themselves in this life. Many humans reach adulthood unable to fully achieve individual internal security due to lapses in milestones of emotional maturity, caused by trauma or compromised parents. The legacy of these lapses is a physically mature but emotionally insecure adult who anxiously seeks relationship attachments outside the self to feel safe.

These kinds of relationships may feel powerfully necessary for survival and the threat of losing them generates states of anxiety and panic similar to that of the golden retriever that anxiously attached to us and the safety of our car. Relationships driven by such anxious attachment often start off with intense love feelings—finally feeling “home”—but generally degenerate into worry, panic, and fear of abandonment.

Relationships at this level are often frozen at the level of dependency, control, and fear, leaving little opportunity for adult companionship and relatedness. This is inherent in the relationship’s initial underlying intent: safety. Until safety can be found within the self, relationships will be controlled by an over-dependency on the other person’s behavior as the locus of control for inner safety.

We must become the parent to our inner panicking child. If we allow the child’s anxiety to control our decision making and actions, we are sure to engage in external parenting relationships as we allow the child in us to go in search of a secure person to latch onto, just like the dog that leapt into our car. Our adult self must be in charge of decision making and self care. If our child self is frightened it might be time to pick it up and go for a soothing walk alone rather than desperately seek inappropriate attention elsewhere.

Blossoming as one united being... - Photo by Chuck Ketchel
Blossoming as one united being…
– Photo by Chuck Ketchel

Eventually, the child will discover that the adult self is its one true parent, the one that can take charge of decisions for the whole personality, leading it to safety, play, and fulfillment. From this place, with the locus of control coming from a place of deep inner safety, relationships may be engaged in as adult partnerships, with everyone responsible for their own inner parenting.

Self care at the deepest level is the only adult ticket to true inner safety. Inner safety leads to outer blossoming and allows for flourishing in true adult relationship.

Embracing inner safety,
Chuck