I have had to remind myself lately to not forget the experiences of awe that I have had in the past and constantly have in life. I get so caught up in the mundane, in this world, that I often lose track of where I’ve been and all of the amazing things that have transpired in my life. Jeanne suggests some useful guidance around this issue in her latest message.
Life in this world can drag us down. We become so fixated on things that are wrong, things that offend us, things that make us angry, resentful, hurt; feelings that leave us shamed, blamed, helpless and lost. The Shamans of Ancient Mexico would call all of those things issues of the ego, issues of self-importance. Lose your self-importance, they constantly suggested.
I try to be impeccable, but I am not. I try to be balanced and in perfect alignment with my spirit’s intent, but I am not. I try to be selfless, kind, and compassionate at all times, but I am not. I like to think of myself as on top of things when in reality I just am not. I’m often lazy. I had to face my imperfect, lazy self over the weekend when the hard drive on my computer crashed. I also had to face my psychic self, who kept warning me to do things that I ignored. “Make a copy of this, back this up, notice this sign and this sign that things are just not working right,” she warned me. But did I pay attention? No. And so I had to suffer.
We took my computer to the Apple Store and when they ran the diagnostics on it, a large red banner appeared that read: FAILED! Immediately, I felt like a bad person, because I knew I had not backed up at the end of the work week as I normally do and I wondered how much stuff I had lost. I did attempt a backup as soon as I noticed something was seriously wrong, but did it take? Only time would tell.
Back home again with a new hard drive, I had to face the truth. Not only that, but I had to face it with other people looking over my shoulder, my techie guy and Chuck. “Seriously,” my techie guy said, “you didn’t back up like I told you to do?” “Once a week,” I said, meekly, “but I didn’t do it last week.” “ARRGH!” This is something like what the conversation went like and boy did I feel bad, and really really stupid. “So much for impeccability,” I thought. “Jan, you suck!”
As time wore on it became clear just how much stuff I had lost. The hard drive was so corroded that my last ditch backup effort had failed. I got more depressed, felt more stupid, admitted I was a real jerk and got depressed. By the time Monday morning rolled around I wondered what I would find when I looked at the last revisions I had made on my book, had I saved them? Uh-uh. Nope. More depression. Then along came a different me, the fighter/warrior, cut-your-losses and move-on person that I can be and she said: “Get over it! This is meaningful. It’s not so bad. It’s teaching you things you need to learn about yourself.” How could I argue with that?
I have my backup machine plugged in all the time now. I backup to DropBox as well now. I found that once I let go of trying to recall the changes I had made to my book, the editing of Volume Two of The Edge of the Abyss ran smoothly, with a new precision and conciseness that had been lacking for the past month. I had gotten so bogged down in trying to finish that I was forgetting to enjoy the process. I got so caught up in the mundane that I forgot about the awe that comes along even in the most trying of times. I forgot to really savor the people in my life, and life itself.
“I want to laugh more,” I said to Chuck the other day, and then someone showed us a funny video and we laughed so hard! I forgot that you just have to ask and you receive. I forgot to lighten up and enjoy where I am. I forgot that there is awe in life every single day, you just have to see it that way. I forgot to lose my self-importance and just enjoy every moment.
There is awe in my computer crash, there is awe in my depression, there is awe in my stupidity, if I so choose to see it that way. And yes, I do choose to see it that way, thank you very much!
Feeling the awe; hope you find it too,