Today, a Reader asks a relationship question about the mother figure.
In regards to relationships, I understand that all relationships are opportunities to understand one’s own self, to look inside of who we are and not project onto another the things we like or don’t like. As in your channeling message, “Relationships Can Be Tricky,” you were answering a question from a woman who was speaking of a man, what seemed to be a romantic relationship. What if the relationship is your mother? That the person you deem to be your supporter, encourager, nurturer, is the person who seems to be holding you back?
In my situation, my mother would give you the shirt off her back, but remind you of it later. She is very generous and loving, but also thinks much of her own self, her needs and wants. She is devout in her religious beliefs, but seems to live in hypocrisy of true faith because she has a need to control those around her. She is either the tyrant or the victim, and her communication with me is sprinkled with “shoulds” and “what I would do.” She yells when she doesn’t get her way, and I get scared. I usually give in, as do those around me, but recently I have stood in my adulthood, and that was met with insults and hurtful words.
My question is this: In my life, there are things that I want to do that go against her wants. I want to move away from home with my husband and baby, and that is very hurtful to her. I am clouded by disloyalty and guilt, as well as the idea of how this will affect my daughter, not having her extended family in her life growing up. It seems “mother” is such an important role on this earth plane. So how do I extract myself from the enmeshment of my relationship with her and do what I want in my life and not repeat it with my own daughter? How do I separate the idea of LOVE and doing what’s right for myself is OK?
My Dearest Reader, your desires for completion are strong as you rail against this icon, this stalwart presence, whom all must one day depart from in order to truly grow. Your question revolves around your own growth, separation, and preparation to become a truly great mother in your own right. You question also your own existence in this question, for all do we come from mothers, but for what reason? And how can we reconcile the mother we have chosen in light of the journey we must each take as individuals upon our own process of completion?
So, I pose these questions on top of your own, hoping to aid you to not only take your next step toward independent living, but also to the completion of this lifetime as an evolving being connected to past lifetimes.
To begin with, your process upon that earth is not contained only in your present life, but is truly connected to the life you lived before. If you can accept that fact, so can you find within your present situation reason for why you “got” the mother you got. I say that word “got” lightly and with loaded significance at the same time. For in your choosing of this lifetime so did you “get” the mother you needed.
Your first step is to acknowledge that this mother is perfect for you, for she offers you access to your own potential by pointing out to you what you are most sensitive to. In her hurtful words lies some truth you must reckon with. In her own untruths does she point out to you your own truths as well. You notice her fallibilities, but can you own those as well? Can you allow that she holds truths in her barren words that do not nurture your soul? Can you acknowledge that she points out to you what you must learn? Can you understand that she is your earliest teacher?
She did at one time protect, nurture, and allow you to grow, for you have come a long way. You are now a mother who is confronted with a child you too must protect, nurture, and teach independence to. You have already taken back much of your own energy from this mother as you have begun to disagree, to see her more clearly as a struggling being, and as a daughter who knows she must hurt this woman who has stood by her through much of life. Yes, separation at birth is painful for the mother during that birthing process. And then again and again is there painful separation, reminding us that as mothers do we give birth many times in a lifetime.
This your own mother is confronting again and again, yet does she not wish to be reminded that she is always in process of female detachment. Her own process must be viewed differently from your own, but know that you too will one day have to birth your own daughter again. Life is not ever simple, straightforward, and easy, but full of many steps that lead to fulfillment of our destinies and completion of our lives.
But to return to your current situation, must you turn to your self now without casting aside your mother, by compassionately allowing her process to proceed alongside yours, as she once allowed you to grow alongside her. In compassionate growth is there recognition of nurturing guidance. Must you now teach your mother? I think you must. But you must do this as you would teach your own daughter, for I think this is who she once was, in your previous life.
Do not deny your trust in your own journey either, for now is a time of reconciliation of a mother who must learn to trust a daughter and a daughter who must learn to trust a mother. You see? This is a reciprocal process overlapping your lives, each in present confrontation and then also in reverse confrontation, simultaneously.
What kind of mother are you seeking to be? What lessons do you want your own mother to teach you? What truths do you want to hear? What truths will you accept, acknowledge, and acquiesce to? So are these questions also viable for your own mother to ask, and your own daughter who resides inside you and outside you.
For you have within you your inner child who looks to that mother for comfort, for direction, and for love. Yet must you part, and place distance between you, if you are to proceed and truly live your dreams. In my own life, as Jeanne Marie Ketchel, did I part from my mother at birth. I lived a life of unknowing of that birth mother, yet did I transpire and grow, nurtured by her at a distance far greater than truth, for it was nurturance by intent. And this is what true love is, energetic intent to trust that your love, your maternal love, can bridge all difficulties, trials, teachings, and even distance placed before you by happenstance, or on purpose by your own desire to grow and have your own life, separate from your mother’s needs.
Question your own needs now, even as you question your mother’s needs to remain in control. For her control is but her own shield against truths that do not awaken her spirit yet. Has you own spirit alerted you to your own truths? Are you accepting of them? Are you daring enough to acquiesce to them, and deal with all that may come your way as you adventure out into the world? Are you ready to face you disconnected self? For you will be placed in uncomfortable situations, even as you venture forth, even with your intent strong, your love tethered, and your inner self learning to trust your journey.
This is the next step you must reconcile with, your own journey. What is your own journey? Where is it leading you? What is this time of transition suggesting you do? What is it proposing that you have not quite gotten yet? For with transition and change is there always an underlying discovery about the self that must be encountered or ignored. It is your choice. Do you choose to encounter something about your self now as you encounter your mother’s anger and seemingly insensitive disregard for your own desires? What is she showing you about your self? As she subjects you to her hypocrisies, her questions, her proclamations, and her skeptical behaviors, what truth is she speaking?
Do not brush her aside as too troublesome. For even in her meanness does she present you with an underlying truth. Does your inner child know what it is? I think she does. But are you ready to allow her to process it and look now at YOU for mothering and nurturing?
Your time of transition now turns to you as mother. You have the opportunity to truly turn the mother in the mirror to your self now and not look back at the mother behind you. Look at your self in the mirror. YOU are a mother. Your role is as mother to your child, but also to your self. You are at a time of separation, rebirth, and the struggle that comes with nurturing your own inner child, even as you must nurture your baby who needs you so deeply.
Does your inner child accept this baby at your breast? Does your inner child respect you for your growth into adulthood? Does your inner child look to you for continued growth? Or does she wish to remain your baby, your inner baby? What is your concern regarding her growth away from your mother, for this you must truly encounter in order to keep growing and live your own life.
I realize that I have perhaps presented you with more questions than you asked me! This is a very complicated issue, which you address, and I will say this: I had great issue with this in my own life, as Jeanne Marie Ketchel, and it is not easily resolved. It can take many lifetimes. But I see in your awakening that you are truthfully seeking resolution, and that is good!
Do not fall into feelings of sadness for your mother as you seek to take your own journey, but send her your nurturing compassion, even though you may not feel it being reciprocally sent along with you on your journey, as you make your choice to grow. That may be your challenge, to send compassionate love, even when it is not sent to you.
Do not harbor anger, or the fears your mother harbors inside her. Show her, by your actions, that you can be a loving daughter/mother and mother/daughter even though you are far apart. By your example may you be guided to free your own daughter. Your inner child/daughter requests this of you.
Good Luck with your life choices, My Dear One. You are at a crossroads. You are at a point of truth. You are at a fork in the road. The signs are being spoken, but do you understand the language? Look to your inner child for the unscrambling of the truths of those words. She knows all the answers. And then look to your baby’s innocent face, and trust the journey you have before you as her mother.